10 Things You Never Knew About Vampires

THERE WAS ONCE AN AGE where vampires were among the most feared creatures on the planet. They were a truly terrifying glimpse into the purest horror the human mind can produce. Those days have since given way to a myriad of effeminate and glittery, skinny emo freaks in porn for middle school girls. These are truly sad times for the once mighty bloodsucking beasts of our nightmares.

That’s all stuff you know about vampires. Here’s 10 things you didn’t know about them.

1. Fear the Ginger

Ancient Greeks were a weird bunch of folks. Sure, they are on record as being the creators of democracy. They are a people that have brought many a great idea to the human social fabric.

But they were a little weird, what with all the orgies and belief in the mythological. Their lore is filled with many amazing stories of superhuman beings, so when it comes to vampires they probably made them something truly frightening, right? WRONG! Ancient Greeks believed that gingers turned into vampires when they died. Gingers have been putting people off for centuries.

2. OCD Bloodsuckers

The subtle traits of Nosferatu are many. The Vampire is an immortal being that can only be killed with a stake to the heart. It’s no fan of religion. Blood fuels it’s undead physical form. Oh, and they had a mean case of Arithmomania, which is an incessant need to count things. This is why Sesame Street’s character The Count is constantly
counting. This little quirk makes it way easier to escape getting your life-juice drained, no word yet on how germaphobe vampires get over the ickyness of drinking blood.

3. Willem Dafoe Plays the Shit Out of a Vampire

Vampires have been making their dent in the film industry for decades. Dracula, Nosferatu and the onset of the softcore porn for sad awkward pre-pubescent girls make the vampire no stranger to being on a set. With all those vampire movies out there, it seems like there should be multiple Oscar-winners and nominees in the realm of these bloodthirsty beasts. Fact, Willem Dafoe is the only actor to ever be nominated for an Oscar for a role as a vampire. He was nominated for his uber creepy role in Shadow of the Vampire.

4. Violent Crimes and Lack of Explanation May Have Birthed the Vampire

There was once a time where forensic science was non existent. The officers of the law were nowhere near as skilled as the Ice-T character you watch in action every week. This fact doesn’t mean that there weren’t sick, twisted murderous weirdos… it does mean that they were harder to catch.

Long ago, if there was a truly violent crime that couldn’t be properly investigated, people found it pretty easy to blame the supernatural. Unexplained violent crimes may have been the reason our minds conceptualized the idea of vampires and werewolves.

5. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO TINKERBELL, PAN?

Peter Pan is an iconic character that has been delighting youth across the world for quite some time.

Joel Schumaker’s ’80s classic The Lost Boys is a weird ’80s movie where a mullet-sporting Kiefer Sutherland turns a kid into a vampire, while Corey Haim and Corey Feldman scamper around trying to figure out why things are so weird. These two things have absolutely nothing in common except for the fact that the concept for the film stems from the idea that Peter Pan was a vampire. The ’80s were a really bizarre era filled with crack, terrible music and acid wash jeans.

6. The Classic Film Nosferatu Was a Ripoff

The insanely old classic film Nosferatu was so jam-packed with urine inducing fear that it still holds weight in today’s time. The fact that it’s such an old film seems to elevate it to even creepier levels. The film has been hailed as one of the most original works and also helped to solidify the vampire in pop culture as one of the world’s most feared beings. And the whole time it was just an unauthorized ripoff adaptation of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. The studio changed character names and places when they couldn’t obtain the proper rights to adapt Stoker’s ultimate vampire tale.

7. Twilight Was Almost Cool?

Twilight seems to have driven the final stake into the badass nature of the vampire. Instead of mindlessly killing to quench their insatiable thirst for human blood, the filmmakers turned vampires into whiny depressed centuries old goth kids who like going after high school girls. This franchise has done irreparable damage to the street cred of the undead. They almost made the right call with it, however. Paramount originally wanted to turn Twilight’s Bella into an ass-kicking vampire warrior being hunted by the CIA. Vampires came so close to not sucking.

8. Malaysian Vampires Are Hilarious

Malaysia is not known for its forward-thinking nature OR it’s amazing entertainment industry. This can be showcased by diving deep into what the Malaysian people have turned vampires into. Vampires to them are nothing more than tiny creatures that burrow into their victims skull and do horrible unspeakable things… wait, nope — they burrow into skulls and force them to talk about cats. Seriously.

9. I Don’t Like the Way That Tree Is Staring at My Jugular

There are only two instances where trees become terrifying. The first is when they come alive and throw their apples at you and the second is when they become a vampire. That’s right, according to vampire lore — trees can also become bloodthirsty re-animated tree corpses. The good news is that they are super easy to get away from on account of their root system.

10. Vampires and the Art of War

There would be very few military conflicts with a country that was deploying badass vampire soldiers. War sucks enough, without the fear of an immortal creature mutilating you for your sweet, sweet blood. The United States knows the true pants-pooping power of the vampire and even used them to best an adversary. US Psyops actually killed Filipino insurgents to scare the ever-living fuck out of their comrades.

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10 Things We Forgot About Sesame Street 
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