10 Batshit Crazy Things About Presidents

THE POSITION OF PRESIDENT, whether it’s in politics, for a Fortune 500 company, or even a freaking nudist colony — is a powerful position. You’re a boss. The buck stops with you. You move the masses with but a mere utterance of your thought. To be a President is to truly be winning at life.

You probably were aware of all that. In honor of the upcoming Presidential Election — here is some seriously weird shit about presidents you didn’t know!

1. Andrew Jackson Ain’t Nothin’ to Fuck With

What is it that you know about Andrew Jackson? He wears sweet ass shoulder pads. He sports a KILLER pimp hat. He’s on the 20 dollar bill. The man was obviously fond of swords. Another thing you should know about the seventh President of the United States is that he was a very bad dude. Not only did he serve his term as President with a musket ball in his lung and a bullet n
ear his heart–but he also chased down the poor dumb bastard who tried to assassinate him and beat the guy’s balls to a bloody pulp.

He was like the Sean Penn meets 50 Cent, back in his day.

2. Worst President Name Ever

If you’re gonna be the President of a country, you need a badass name. You need to lead men in battle and rally them to the fight. Your name should pretty much be letters with giant balls. No country needs a Prez with a lame name. President Spud doesn’t quite cut it. President Frank… doesn’t really have what it takes. Another one you want to avoid is fruit names. “President Strawberry… should we launch the missiles?” just doesn’t sound quite right. Apparently nobody told that to Zimbabwe since their very first President was named President Banana. They came too close to having that ridiculous Gwen Stefanie B-A-N-AN-A-S piece of crap as their Presidential ballad.

3. Andrew Jackson Took Care of the Bills

Here we are again, blabberin’ about the Most Interesting President in The World. Andrew Jackson is the Presidential version of that Dos Equis guy. Seriously, you read about him beating his own assassin and living with more metal projectiles in his skin than a skin covered Terminator who has really pissed off Sara Connor. If all that wasn’t enough, he’s also the only President to ever pay off the national debt in full. He doesn’t always serve as President… but when he does, he does it like a boss!

4. A Golden Shower in the Name of Duty

Lyndon Johnson was one of America’s most fascinating presidents. He’s one of the very few Vice Presidents who took office after the death of the actual President. Johnson slid in there after the assassination of John F. Kennedy. He went on to win re-election and served another full term. It’s easy for us to forget that these leaders of men are also men themselves and have to drain the lizard from time to time. Johnson once had to piss so bad that he used a secret service member to block the crowd from getting a great look at Johnson’s Johnson… and in doing so that guy took more than a bullet for the President. The poor guy got urinated on.

5. We’ll Have What Uruguay’s Having, Please

These volatile times of ours are poked and prodded like a victim of an alien abduction, until the wounds are so bloodied and sore that there is no other option but for everyone to seriously freak the fuck out. Modern day politicians have become nothing more than cheap Bernie Madoff copycats. They disguise themselves in an even more diabolical nature than those greedy shock and awe preachers that are legally allowed to rile-up fat immobile redneck idiot demon-spawn who are so stupid that their brains are only capable to mail in a check. The whole American political system needs to be zapped back to what it was intended to be… a public service. President was never meant to be a career, so we need solid honest dudes steppin’ up to lead the lands.

If only Uruguay’s President Jose Mujica could throw his hat into the ring. He donates 87 percent of his state salary and drives a busted ass Volkswagen Beetle.

6. Alexander Graham Bell, Why So Stupid?

Alexander Graham Bell is a name that echoes in the halls of children’s classrooms all over the world. The man was an iconic inventor, made famous by inventing the motherfuckin’ telephone. He’s a certified genius.

Sadly, even genius can be reduced to the level of total moron from time to time. Such was the case for Mr. Bell, when he brilliantly invented the metal detector to find an assassin’s bullet in the body of President James Garfield. The metal detector’s presidential calling was unsuccessful because no one, not even Bell thought about the fact that the president was lying on the metal springs of a bed. He shoulda changed his name to Alexander DUMBELL… (snicker, hysterical crying.)

7. Twelve Year-old Sounds the Whistle on Most American Presidents Being Related

When you were twelve chances are you were still vague on what exactly a vagina was. It wasn’t the brightest time in your life. Masturbation was right around the corner and you had absolutely no interest in solving a weird political conspiracy theory a la Tom Hanks in The Da Vinci Code.

A 12-year-old girl named BridgeAnne d’Avignon researched and created a family tree that shows how all American Presidents descended from King John of England, signer of the Magna Carta. Her chart showed that the only President who wasn’t a descendant of King John was Martin Van Buren who was of Dutch descent.

8. Gotcha Covered, Mr. President

When you become President, you will notice a huge jump in the number of people who want to kill your ass. In America, all grounds are covered when it comes to protecting the Commander In Chief. Secret Service members leave no stone unturned when scouting an area the big man will be at. They spare no expense to keep him alive. In the Cadillac that transports him, vials of blood that is the same type as the President’s are on hand in case there needs to be an emergency transfusion. You could also use them to really freak people out.

9. President Grandpa John Tyler

John Tyler is a President who doesn’t stand out as one of the greats. Especially since he was all about that whole little Confederate States of America thing. He has two first names, that’s kinda neat. Oh, he also had crazy amounts of children and even has two grandchildren that are alive today. Yeah you read that… two people who called President John Tyler “Grandpa” are still alive. Tyler’s son Lyon Gardner Tyler had two sons in the 1920s. Lyon Gardner Tyler Jr. and Harrison Ruffin Tyler are still alive today.

10. Al Capone, We’re Gonna Use Your Car if You Don’t Mind

Al Capone is probably the most legendary gangster that ever picked up a gun. He was known for his ruthless nature and his nonstop rise to the top of the ranks. He was a very bad guy. Lots of people wanted to see him dead, so naturally he had to protect himself. He drove around in a bullet-proof Cadillac with run-flat tires, that is–until the U.S. Treasury Department confiscated it. After realizing what badass job he did to the vehicle, the government actually started using it to tote the President around.


Related on The Smoking Jacket:
7 Things You Didn’t Know About the Internet 
The 10 Best Appearances by Satan in the Movies