10 Animals That’ll Help You Pick Up

EVERY HERO HAS HIS SIDEKICK, and a pet is the perfect wingman. Your furry/scaly/winged buddy will draw a lady suitor over from wherever she was standing at the park right to your side. It’s the cute factor. Works like a charm.

10. Ferrets/Rodents

A ferret and a cape is all you need for your little goth date.

9. Reptiles

There are a few reptiles that are sufficiently cute (turtles, geckos), and some that are sufficiently cool (iguanas, frogs), to pique her interest. Key phrase: “Kiss the frog!”

8. Rabbits

Rabbits have the cute and furry factor that draws girls in every time. But it’s the my-bunny-is-my-buddy thing that will make her think you’re sweet, even if you’re not. Bonus: If bunny-as-pet fails to reel the lady in, no doubt a gamey French rabbit stew will woo. (Bunny sandwich leftovers!)

7. Miniature Pigs

Girls who liked the movie Babe will dig you if you have a pig. Pigs are almost like dogs, but they bark less. And are uncommon enough that you’ll seem cool by proxy. Also, guess who has a pig? George Clooney. And he dates one hot lady wrestler.

Drawback: Eating bacon will feel awkward, maybe, so be sure to put the pig in another room when you have morning-after breakfast.

6. Cats

Cats and bachelors go together like meat and potatoes. They’re the lowest-maintenance living things to upkeep, next to plants, and sometimes they like to cuddle. Cats are also bitches, so once yours rejects your date, you can swoop in and make her feel wanted again. You’re such a hero.

5. Birds

Owning birds is weird. They can fly, but you clip their wings and keep them in a cage. Which kind of makes you a jerk. But if you’re conniving enough to teach your budgie or parrot to mimic sensitive phrases like “I completely understand,” and “I know this is crazy but I think I’m falling for you,” you’ll have both bird and girl eating seeds from the palm of your hand.

4. Fish

For whatever reason, having some fish swimming in an aquarium is like having a roaring fire in your living room. They’re mesmerizing. And a great conversation-filler. Things a little quiet with you and the lady? Just point to the tank. Say, “Look at the way they swim.” Plus fish make you look rich. Done reel.

3. A Human Child

Pro: Kids are cute and girls like them, and if you can prove you’re capable of keeping one alive, you’ll seem like the kind of man a girl could settle down with. Aaand that’s its built-in con. Another con: You can’t leave a kid in a crate with a bowl of water. What.

2. Big Dogs

A man with a large dog comes off as rough-and-tumble masculine in a very well rounded way: You appear sensitive enough to care for another living creature, but also strong enough to establish yourself as the alpha male with another wild thing. Chicks dig alpha males.

1. Little Dogs

They can be annoying and yappy, but girls love them so give the girls some lap dog. Not unlike big dogs, a little dog showcases your masculine ability to provide, but also shows how you’re secure enough to own a pet some might consider effeminate. You love your fluffy, yappy little mutt, and you don’t give shit what anyone thinks. It’s kind of punk rock.