Who the Fuck Names Hurricanes?

On the eve of the impending doom that is hurricane Sandy, I can’t help but sit here and wonder…WHO THE FUCK NAMES HURRICANES?!?! I am really curious to know if this is a paying job and how much medical marijuana this individual inhales on a daily basis.

“Someone get this bear out of my hurricane.”

I’m also appreciative of the weather team worldwide for letting us know that we’re all going to die a slow and painful death only a few days in advance. Hopefully, this “Frankenstorm,” (no, I didn’t make that up I actually saw that on the TV yesterday) turns out to be a bigger joke than that dumb, ignorant bitch Irene.

Remember how the actual storm wasn’t bad at all but the unnamed little baby rainstorm a few days later was the one to knock all the power out? What a win by the meteorologists. Since we here in the good old US of A decide it’s necessary to name hurricanes like they’re our adopted Chinese babies, I will go one step further and put a face to the infamous names. Here is a list of past hurricanes and what they would look like if they were people.


Irene is pissed off about life. She is full of angst and works a firm 9-5 job. She comes off shy but don’t piss this bitch off or else she can really be a whirl-wind. A lot of people in the office say Irene is all talk but no one really wants to find out. Irene’s job title is licking the back of stamps on envelopes… she has quality saliva.

Meet Irene, the walking disappointment of 2011.


Ike used to have teeth but he sold the important ones for meth. This is Ike’s calm face by the way. Aggressive is his middle name and he eats puppies for breakfast and if you’re wondering he prefers poodles. Don’t ask him about Mike, apparently it’s a sensitive subject.

Meet Ike.


Katrina ain’t fucks wit u she ain’t fucks wit me n she ain’t fucks wit none of y’all. Katrina don’t give no fuck besides da man on her booty. She does’t mind herself a good old fashioned ass-quake and if you roll your weed on her ass then that is technically considered an ass-tray. Katrina will rock your world with one tremble of a butt-cheek all while eating a McDonald’s number 13 with no hands.

Meet Katrina.


Never to be outdone by her male counterpart Wilson, Wilma takes no mother fucking prisoners. The look in her eyes says, “I was here to party but then someone put on Cast Away and things got serious.” Wilma will rip your head off with her ear and not smudge her face art in the process.

Meet Wilma.


This is Sandy. Sandy is a late bloomer and never really fit in throughout life. Sandy works at Denny’s but is destined for greatness. She serves a coffee like you wouldn’t believe. Sandy doesn’t realize that it’s October and hurricane season is long past gone but she doesn’t really mind coming in last. Sandy might end the world but that’s fine with her because she hasn’t been making that much money at Denny’s anyway.

Meet Sandy.