Anonymity used to be solely for society’s detritus: Stalkers, angry letter writers, pornographers, minority conservatives.
But in an ever-changing culture, buoyed by technology and civic responsibility, one entity has embraced anonymity and made it a virtue, fast becoming a superhero syndicate of sorts for a blossoming generation of cyber-activists.
Anonymous, shroud in Guy Fawkes masks and secrecy, have been responsible for hacks targeting the Church of Scientology; agencies of governments; child pornography sites; the Westboro Baptist Church; and corporations like PayPal, MasterCard, Visa, and Sony. They are this generation’s Robin Hood, minus the tights.
(Why can’t vigilantes and heroes just where a pair of Levi’s and a hoodie? Why the weird outfits? Y’all look like the stars of a post-Halloween walk of shame parade.)
Time magazine called Anonymous one of the “100 most influential people” in the world, and if Time, and he/she/they/it has been publicly supported by WikiLeaks and the Occupy movement. They are cheered on by a new era of activists, whose protests are done from the dark corners of cyberspace as opposed to the streets. But who is/are Anonymous? Logic would dictate that the organization is more than one person, but we believe that may be a clever rouse.
After much research and countless hours of sourcing and interviewing, Headshots presents to you our 5 best educated guesses on the identity of Anonymous.
1. George Clooney
Anonymous and Clooney seem to share many of the same beliefs, they both look great in simple black and white, and Clooney’s wealth would explain Anonymous’ financing. Think about it. Somewhere in California is a secret lair where Clooney leads his merry band of men, (Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Tilda Swinton, Don Cheadle, all the Oceans-folks, Brad and Angelina) as they plot to make the world a better place. They’re probably simultaneously writing the screenplay, which will star Clooney as Anonymous who is Clooney.
Did I just blow your mind?
2. Natalie Portman
Anonymous is badass. Portman is badass. Anonymous is socially and politically active. Portman is socially and politically active. Coincidence? We think not.
Portman is smart, a Harvard graduate, she co-authored a paper titled “A Simple Method to Demonstrate the Enzymatic Production of Hydrogen from Sugar.” What? And she was in V for Vendetta, which popularized the Guy Fawkes mask, which is now the calling card of Anonymous. Circumstantial? Yes. Convincing? After three cocktails, we think so.
Additionally, it would be good if she gave back to the world after her part in the destruction of the Star Wars saga.
3. Bill Hader
Bill Hader? WTF? How’d he get on this list? Because the Headshots interns are hella wicked researchers, that’s how.
Hader’s versatility as a performer on Saturday Night Live proves that he is comfortable with appropriating identities. He kinda looks like the model for the Guy Fawkes mask. And finally, a well-placed NSA source (NOT Edward Snowden. Not Edward Snowden. So, like, don’t even ask Snowden, because it’s NOT him) told us that Hader has quietly arrested in 2008 for hacking Lorne Michael’s email account and changing his signature to read: “Executive Producer of Douchetown and Man Responsible for Chris Kattan.”
Also, the interns are huge Stefon fans, and have been trying to find a way to get Hader into a Headshots for a year.
4. This Guy Paul, or Paulie, or Phil, or Something That Lives Downstairs
So there’s this guy who lives downstairs from the Headshots office, Paul or Paulie or Phil or something, and he’s super creepy, but not like, Paul Giamatti hitting on your girl creepy, but more dips-his-Ruffles-in-Vaseline creepy.
Anyway, a few weeks ago we sent an intern out for lattes and she came back screaming a minute later, and said that this guy Paul or Paulie or Phil or something was in the hallway wearing nothing but a Speedo and yelling at a goat, who was also wearing a Speedo, about the Westboro Baptist Church.
A week later Anoymous hacked the Westboro Church’s website, and we haven’t seen Paul or Paulie or Phil or something since, and now there’s a computer programmer who works for the IRS living in his apartment.
5. A League of Ex-Girlfriends
Most theories suppose that Anonymous is a worldwide syndicate of like-minded individuals empowered by both vengeance and a sense of humanity fueled by a combination of blind will and spite.
The interns, with the exception of Larry, hated this notion, but Headshots strongly believes, and as such argues, that Anonymous is a group of exes, mostly ours, that has banded together and instead of emailing our mum about our infidelities or affection for fur and chocolate-related kink, or kidnapping our cat, or sleeping with our best friends, has decided to use that anger to attack the real enemy: Greed, government, and religion. We have no evidence to support this, other than that in each instance of Anonymous hacktivism, no ex has returned our texts.
I mean, they don’t return them anyway, but…
So there you have it.
When Anonymous is eventually and inevitably unmasked, please return to this list and give credit where credit is due. And if does turn out to be a league of exes, the interns will have all their letters of reference rescinded.
Good luck getting into Brown now, Angie.
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