Smoke ’Em if You Got ’Em

Our group of friends doesn’t agree on many topics, but one thing we’re unanimous about is that the whole “demonization of tobacco” movement is a crock of shit. Most of us aren’t even smokers, either. We just feel that if it’s such a scourge on society, then outlaw it already. Of course, we all know why that won’t happen—there’s too much tax revenue to lose. Just don’t give us this secondhand smoke B.S.

Hell, when we were kids, everyone smoked openly everywhere, even in workplaces. People weren’t shamed into puffing away in some shitty, windowless broom closet down the hall or on the nearest street corner outside. Even women in a family way smoked like chimneys. Their kids apparently turned out fine, since they’re the ones protecting us all from those sinister cigarettes these days.

We always had a hunch that your mom smoked while she was pregnant with you; let’s face it, you’re a little off. If she did, we’re certain that even with a big-ol’ baby bump, she looked damn sexy doing it—because your mom was hot!

Model: Miss November 1960 Joni Mattis