Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is Much Better in Hindsight, Actually

Victoria's Secret Fashion ShowThe Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show aired last night to record ratings and a now-familiar, ever-louder chorus from body-image crusaders.

“Too skinny!” they say, “The Angels are too skinny!”

Seriously, people, these are superhuman models and they are too thin in the way Shaq is too tall. And you shouldn’t be traumatized that you’ll never be as skinny as Alessandra Ambrosio any more than you should be traumatized that you’ll never be as tall as Shaq.

So to the Curvinazis I have this to say:

Um, I agree. They are too skinny.

Maybe Doutzen Kroes is blessed with an inhuman metabolism, and maybe she has the ability to push her figure into eating-disorder territory without actually having an eating disorder. Maybe Miranda Kerr’s freakish rebound from pregnancy was accomplished in a totally healthy way. These are insanely beautiful women, but it’s up to every man to decide whether six-pack abs, countable ribs and pointy hipbones and clavicles do the job for him. I’m not accusing anyone of being anorexic or unhealthy—my only thought is that this is just not as aesthetically pleasing as it ought to be. This is the sexiest lingerie show that we can put on prime time TV? Really?

I think to myself, would I want all women in the world to look like this? And my answer is no, I would not. I would miss the Shay Marias, Carrie Keagans and Lucy Pinders too much. I would prefer a room full of Lucy Pinders to a room full of Candice Swanepoels. Although in either case I would make the best of whatever hand cruel fate had chosen to deal me.

There is also the issue that the skinnier the models get, the more elaborately cantilevered the lingerie must be to give them cleavage. I really have no idea what most of these girls would look like topless but I would be very surprised if any are packing heat like Helena Christensen, Tyra Banks and Laetitia Casta did when they were Victoria’s Secret Angels a decade ago.

Bottom line: The best pictures in this gallery are the butt shots, I think. A woman can obsessively tone her trunk and boot-camp away her boobs, but to lose a nice ass you really have to be gaunt and genuinely sickly-looking. You probably do have to have an eating disorder to achieve a truly bony butt. But don’t take my word for it. No, really, don’t; I am not a doctor or fitness expert, I am just a guy showing you pictures of girls in their underwear.