HOLLYWOOD HATES A NEW IDEA. They’re not tested, there’s no built-in audience, no guarantee of return on investment, so they prefer to make movies based on books, or comics, or riskier still, video games.
Now sure, some movies based on video games are good films, make money and launch further sequels in both video game and movie; but most of them are garbage, with a select few being absolute garbage. Like the ones on this list:
1. Super Mario Bros.
Great game, no doubt about it, maybe the greatest game ever. Yet somehow the story of two Italian-American plumbers discovering a portal to a dystopian dinosaur-run parallel universe wherein the must rescue a princess from the evil tyrant king just didn’t translate to the screen so well.
Could be that the joy and fun and popularity of the game had nothing to do with the story at all, but more the fine margins and limited lives, the button mashing and moving your controller to simulate jumping? Neither of which were incorporated into the film, sadly.
“SUPER MARIO BROS.”
It could’ve used some button mashing, and an increased production budget. There’s nothing “super” about this movie at all, they didn’t even get the costumes right.
Surprise, surprise, the film failed to make a fraction of the money the game did.
2. Double Dragon
I don’t remember Double Dragon the game, having a storyline per se, you just moved to the right and beat up who ever you came across, and when you couldn’t move right any more you beat up all remaining enemies to pass the level. Or you died and started over.
So I was as surprised as anyone to discover that it was set in the future—2007—in “New Angeles” and why are they wearing those stupid outfits? That’s one of the many problems with this movie you can’t get past the ridiculous outfits. In the game it was fine, made things easy—you’re blue, I’m red—but in a film, when you see real dudes are wearing those things, you have to wonder if this is a future worth fighting for. It was a mediocre game and mediocre-r movie, maybe, I don’t know, has anyone ever made it all the way through this rubbish?
3. Wing Commander
Who would’ve figured a film starring Freddie Prinze Jr. would be a pile of crap? Proving once again that a while convoluted story may easily disappear behind solid game play it will be exposed for what it truly is on the big screen.
The fact is no one really cares what’s happening in 2654, or whatever random year you’ve chosen to set your interstellar war against the cat-aliens in, and they certainly do give a shot whether Capt. Whatshisface can get back to warn Earth of the attack of the cat-monsters or not, unless, that is, they’re controlling Capt. Whatshisface.
Full disclosure: The charcter’s name is not, in fact, Capt. Whatshisface, I’m giving him too much credit, he was never a Capt. Point is, just because people liked to play a game as a character doesn’t mean they want to watch a movie about him, they probably don’t even like him, they probably only ever wanted to shoot cat-aliens.
It’s possible that this film suffered from some unfortunate timing, coming out just on the cusp of the Twilight-inspired vampire craze and never quite getting sucked into its vortex of success.
While BloodRayne does explore some of the effects of human-vampire copulation, it goes full-vampire, its set in eighteenth-century Romania not exactly you’re most romantic of settings, and it also makes no damn sense!
Unexplained betrayals follow unexplained magic and there are body parts scattered across the countryside with special powers.
The critics panned it, audiences avoided it, and even the actors tried to disassociated themselves from it, openly trashing the film. If you missed this beauty consider yourself lucky because the few dozens suckers who did catch it will never get their 95 minutes back.