Tuesday Totty: Sophie Howard, the Horny Man’s Keeley Hazell

Sophie Howard

Has anyone ever lamented that Keeley Hazell came along back in 2006? Put us down for a maybe — we’d just discovered a new face and figure on the British scene, those of Sophie Howard. Yes scarcely a month into her career, she was scooped by Page 3 Idol winner Keeley. And really, there is no arguing that Keeley is wonderful, but Sophie is, in our book, just as good, if not better. Take, for instance, Sophie’s dirty mind and constant sexual frustration. Here are some cool things she’s said to Nuts:

On masturbating: It’s literally first thing in the morning, have a quick one. And then depending on what I get up to in the day, I’ll have a few more. If I’m doing something where I can’t touch myself, by the time I get home I’m ready to explode!

On naked celebrities: I’m nosey, I want to see what everybody looks like with no clothes on. Everyone should record a video so I can see what they look like naked!

On how she would win a wrestling match: You might think I’d smother them with my boobs, but I have strong thighs so I’d go for the legs-around-the-body technique and crush them, then boob-smother them.

On porn: I love porn! Now that you can get it free all over the internet, it’s great. Whether you’re with someone or on your own, porn is just brilliant!

On spanking: All sex should involve spanking. If she’s riding you or you’re taking her doggy style, give her bum a slap and make her squeal!

On lesbionics: It’s no secret that I like a bit of lady action — it’s really amazing. But for me its not proper sex unless there’s a willy involved!

Makes Keeley seem like a bit of a goody-two-shoes, doesn’t she?

(A goody-two-shoes with her boobs out in the daily newspaper, sure. It’s different over there.)

Best of all about Sophie? While Keeley’s fucked off to Hollywood for some unlikely movie career, Sophie remains happy to get topless for the same silly magazines week after week. She keeps threatening to retire, and then, it’s Oops, I’ve gone and got me boobs out again! Oops indeed.