Now that it’s finally October again, we can officially start counting down to one of the greatest nights of the year…Halloween. Fat kids love it for the CANDY, cheap people love it for the FREE candy, ladies love it because it allows them to let out their inner “naughty school girl,” and us guys love it because it allows ladies to let out their inner naughty school girl. It’s really a win-win situation, as hot girls get to share their sexy goodies with the world and fat girls get a pile of Tootsie Rolls.
But with thousands of “sexy” costumes to pick from, some women are just plain missing the point altogether. Putting the word “slutty” in front of pirate, police woman or slut is just fine, but some “sexy” costumes are NOT SEXY. Avoid these like the razor-blade filled apples from your creepy neighbors.
Deciding to dress like anything that is known for having a smelly ass is usually not a great idea. Unless you have the sweetest smelling snatch in all of the land, this costume should be avoided for obvious reasons. Skunks make me think of a lot of things (weed mostly), but “sexy” isn’t one of them. Do you really want to be blamed for any and all smells that occur that night? Ladies, if you must cover yourself in fur, and don’t want to pass out under an Armenian man, pick any animal other than the stinky skunk.
Acceptable Alternative: “SEXY” Rabbit aka Playboy Bunny
“SEXY” CHINESE TAKEOUT
In theory this costume makes perfect sense. I love ladies, and I love Chinese food. Hell, I even love Chinese ladies (as long as they are not driving anywhere near me). But, why would anyone want to associate a hot chick with a carton of hot (and sour) chicken that has been sitting in the fridge since last Halloween? Trick or Treat. The girl who chooses to wear this costume is probably a huge fan of receiving oral sex, but what’s the point? You’ll just be hungry again in a half hour. Plus, the only thing worse than a cookie you can’t eat (see hat) is the likelihood of having your eyeball shish-kabobed by the drunk carton of “shimp flied lice’s” chopsticks.
Acceptable Alternative: “SEXY” Asian Masseuse
I’ll have nun of this. Religion and sex really don’t mix, unless you yell out “Jesus” during an orgasm, or you’re one of those Catholic priests, who’s always getting so much ass. In real life, nuns are usually one of the following: old, fat, old and fat, or just so unattractive that a convent is the only place where they can hide their shame. It’s not a good sign when Whoopi Goldberg makes your job look “hot.” Nun costumes are equal parts baggy and judgmental.
Acceptable Alternative: “SEXY” Catholic School Girl
“SEXY” FOOTBALL PLAYER
Girls who dress like guys should be left up to the WNBA. I love me some football, but I like it the old fashion way. The last thing I ever want to do is take a chick home and unhook a bra followed by a set of shoulder pads. The cheerleader was invented to include ladies into the football fold, so dress as a sexy cheerleader, sexy referee, sexy ticket scalper, etc., just not a player. If I wanted to watch women play football, I’d be a fan of the CFL (sorry, Canada).
Acceptable Alternative: “SEXY” Field Hockey Player
“SEXY” LADY GAGA
Two types of people find Lady Gaga sexy: women and gay dudes. Not one self-respecting straight man finds Lady Gaga even the least bit attractive (the penis rumors didn’t help, either). I know that this costume is going to be all over the place this year, but it saddens me to the core to know that what will most likely be a bar full of Lady Gagas could have been a bar full of just about anything else. The only meat that woman should be covered in this Halloween should be ours.
Acceptable Alternative: “SEXY” Katy Perry
“SEXY” Tootsie Roll
Do you really think it is sexy to dress like a piece of candy that most closely resembles a piece of rabbit shit? Nuff said.
Acceptable Alternative: “SEXY” Blow Pop
“SEXY” MR. POTATO HEAD
Dressing like a children’s toy is always a little creepy in my book. But why pick the one toy that is about as sexy as a… uh… potato? This costume isn’t sexy and doesn’t even make you think of something sexy (unless you are into rearranging girls ears and lips). There are some foods that are used to describe a woman’s body: melons, tacos, a peach. A potato, however, isn’t one of them. No one is going to get excited bragging on November 1 that they took home “Mrs. Potato Head” last night.
Acceptable Alternative: “SEXY” Rag Doll
Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter.