On the Sauce: Top 7 Hangover Foods

I’ve known some shameovers in my day, and I ain’t no spring hatchling. And it’s true that I’ve been seen shuffling my way downstairs to my kitchen hungover, prematurely believing myself to be prepared for a meal consisting of toast, to then toast a slice of toast and to mulch a mouthful of toast, and to know in my gut that it was not the time for any kind of bread, and leave the slice on the table to sweat it out without me — one little half-moon bitemark chewed out of a corner.

Sometimes bedrest is better than food.

But in that isn’t the world so paradoxical way, oftentimes food is the ticket to curing a wicked hangover.

In case you overdo it this weekend, some cure-alls, below. No, thank you!

1. Water

Water to wine was Christ’s first miracle, and that’s real partay times of him and all, but sometimes even the Jesuses among us need to take it back a step and sippy-sip some agua. Sometimes you’re just not ready for solids.

2. Toast

Toast is the best food group and it’s useful on a touchy stomach. Delicious with butter.

3. Poutine

You don’t live in Canada and that’s too bad for you. One, because of the no free health care thing, and two because if you’re hungover what you get yourself is this mess of fries and gravy and cheese curds called “poutine”. It sounds like a dictator, a French whore, or a mistake, I know, I know. But so did everything you did to yourself last night. And two negatives make a positive. That’s math.

4. Greasy Breakfast

Two eggs and bacon? Yessirree. You can’t go wrong with a five-dollar breakfast. Plus it’s the perfect moment to ask the girl you slept with’s name.

5. The Smoothie

When your GF is over and she’s freaking out about the fat in the hashbrowns that will totally scientifically cure your hangovers, whip up a smoothie for the poor girl in your little bullet blender thing. Downer: Requires thinking in advance and having frozen fruits in your freezer. Solution: Get a 12 dollar version at Starbucks.

6. Prairie Oysters

In Thunderball, James Bond talks about his binge-drinking days, saying, “a month ago there wasn’t a week went by but that on at least one day I couldn’t eat anything for breakfast but a couple of Aspirins and a prairie oyster.”

WTF’s a prairie oyster? It’s a drink fit for a wrestler. What you do is crack an egg into a glass and smother it in Worcestershire sauce, some salt, pepper and Tabasco.

Be warned: In some circles, prairie oysters are fried up bull’s testicles. What.

7. Hair of the Dog

Day’s pretty much wasted. Most people mean a Bloody Mary when they say “hair of the dog” but who wants to make cocktails in their pajamas. Just crack open another, why don’t you. Take the time to delete any of yesterday’s drunk tweets. Eat a bowl of cereal. Fall asleep with the TV on.

You’ll feel better tomorrow.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
On the Sauce: Cuba Libres in My Living Room 
On the Sauce: Kentucky Derby Mint Juleps
On the Sauce: A Jarful of Rotgut and Two Sheets to the Wind