New Year’s resolutions aren’t easy to keep. This could have to do with the fact that they’re usually a bunch of bullshit you never wanted to do in the first place. Like “cut down on the drinking” or “pay the rent on time” … eh, you know you weren’t going to do that.
So having something on your list and actually checking it off—well, that’s cause for celebration.
And when it looks like Marsha Ann—that’s cause for jubilation. That’ll make your whole year. That’s an according-to-Hoyle miracle.
We told you we wanted to bring you Marsha Ann, and here she is. She skates better than you, shotguns a beer adequately, rolls a blunt like Superman (if Superman rolled blunts) and is probably no slouch in the video gaming department as well. Marsha Ann is the dude you wanted to be when you were 14; except that she’s not a dude at all, and as if to prove the point she does all these awesome things with her hair whipping wildly about her face, DD boobie pillows nearly spilling out of her bikini, maybe even giving you the side eye when she sees you can’t keep up.
If you have any interest in skateboarding, this Hubba Wheels model might be the hottest thing you’ve ever seen. And if you don’t have any interest in skateboarding, you may find that suddenly you do, as long as the skateboarding involves Marsha Ann. She tweets @MarshaAnnn and Facebooks at facebook.com/marsha143 and you’ll find her on Instagram as “Marsha Ann.”
A nickname I have had: The only nickname I have, I gave myself—Marsha Ann.
The worst movie I have ever seen: Battle for Los Angeles—so much shooting and no alien sex scenes.
I’m a nerd about: Videogames and skateboarding.
Please worship my: Everything, I am a goddess.
I would rather have a root canal than: Have to listen to a dubstep remix of anything.
Sex is: Almost as fun as skateboarding.
My greatest weakness: Redheads.
If I was a Bond girl, my name would be: Redbone.
Food that turns me on: If food could turn me on, men would be obsolete.
I don’t understand why people think I’m: Single.
Something cool about having boobs: When they’re this big, you can lay down and rest your chin on them and watch TV. Seriously, there is nothing better than a tittie pillow.
I cried unnecessarily the day: I realized they really weren’t gonna make new episodes of Seinfeld.
When I throw a party I make sure to have: Swishers.
The funniest comedian is: Larry David.
People tell me I look like: Rosario Dawson, Alicia Keys, and my friend Glossy.
I wish people would stop Tweeting about their: I wish people would stop tweeting period so I can be number-one supreme tweeter.
When I was 8 years old I thought I would be: The fourth member of TLC.
Stay out of my way when: There’s a controller in my hand.
I’ll let you know I’m feeling frisky by: How hard I’m biting my lower lip when I stare at you—if there’s blood it means I’m getting ready to pounce.
My super power: I’m pretty sure I can roll a blunt faster than the speed of light.
I am completely freaked out by: ANONYMOUS, because I’m scared they’ll shut down Twitter and all the funny things I have to say will go unsaid.
The most unpleasant word or phrase in the English language is: “Is this organic?”
I will never understand why men: Don’t jerk off on stuff and bother using restrooms. If I had a dick I’d be pissing anywhere and jerking off on everything.
My most recent wardrobe malfunction was: I can’t even remember—I live in a state of constant nip slip.
My relationship with spectator sports is: They’re good for falling asleep to.
The most interesting compliment I ever got from a stranger is: “You look like a really hot tranny.”
The most exciting thing I did today was: I just ate 3 bags of peanut m&ms in less then 10 minutes, that’s pretty exciting!
My secret weapon: Humor.
Song I am most likely to play turned up to 11: Motorhead, “Fast & Loose.”
My backup career if this whole “being pretty” thing doesn’t work out: I certainly don’t plan on making a career out of “being pretty”—I’d like to be an embalmer.
On the worst bender of my life, I was drinking: I’m not a big drinker; I did take mushrooms once and chase some girl for like six blocks because I thought she was Lindsay Lohan. I’m still pretty sure it was her actually.
The best thing I learned from an ex-boyfriend was: “It’s easier if you relax your asshole.”
The first time I can remember feeling sexy was: When I exited my mother’s vagina.
The most rough-and-tumble outdoor activity I do is: Skateboard.
A grown man should not: Text “lol”.