Oscar Winner Jennifer Lawrence

The Oscars happened last night, and attractive ladies wore haute couture gowns on the red carpet.

[smattering of polite applause]

It was, for the girlwatching public, largely unsatisfying. Everyone looked pretty, but very few looked sexy. Jennifer Hudson and Penelope Cruz brought the most cleavage; we’re still a little freaked out by Jennifer’s extreme makeover, and Penelope was all engorged and juggy because she’s feeding Javier Bardem’s baby.

(Commentary of the night came from Kelly Osborne and Giulana Rancic. One: “Look at Penelope Cruz — can you believe she just had twins?” The other: “No, she didn’t have twins.” Ahem, we beg to differ, she had very large twins busting out all over the place.)

The best thing we saw was Jennifer Lawrence, actress from Winter’s Bone, who looked pretty damn sexy in a bright red dress. We haven’t seen Winter’s Bone, and Jennifer wasn’t on our radar, but we expect big things from her in the future.