Superman Is a Whore (+ More Kal-El Fun Facts)

THIS PAST WEEK, the latest trailer for this summer’s blockbuster-in-waiting Man of Steel was released to the great ComicCon they call Earth. The newest reboot of the Superman franchise aspires to do for Clark Kent what Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins did for Bruce Wayne. The film stars Amy Adams as Lois Lane, Michael Shannon as General Zod, Diane Lane as Martha Kent, Kevin Costner as Jonathan Kent, Laurence Fishburne as Perry White, Russell Crowe as Jor-El, and Henry Cavill in the role of Superman.

The Headshots’ interns swoon at the very mention of Cavill. Seems like this latest Man of Steel gets women 18 to 25 wetter than Aquaman’s date after three cosmos. And we trust the interns ability to disseminate hotness in screen stars, so one can only assume this film will return the Man of Tomorrow to the forefront of the superhero hierarchy, a perch from which he tumbled in the Brandon Routh mess of which we shall never again speak.

Headshots: Superman Is a Whore (and Other Kal-El Fun Facts)

Man of Steel will no doubt be a noirish, stylistic reimagining of Supes and we’ll spend every second summer for the next five years getting our Clark Kent on. While we have not read the script, Headshots assumes some of Superman’s less celebrated feats will not make their way into your local cineplex. Here are 5 facts you’re not likely to find in Man of Steel.

1. Superman Gets Around Faster than a Speeding Bullet

Headshots: Superman Is a Whore (and Other Kal-El Fun Facts)

Clark Kent, Kal-El, Superman, whatever you want to call him, is a pussy hound. Oh, sure, the DC comic and superhero lobby would lead us to believe that Supes was a one-gal crusader, having responsible monogamous intercourse with Lois Lane. Not true. Supes got more action than Headshots’ second ex-wife on alimony day. There was Lana Lang, Luma Lynai, Lori Lemaris, and Lyla Lerrol. And those are just the Ls! Of course, there was an affair with Saturn Girl, and an on-again, off-again thing with Wonder Woman. We feel that Lois deserved better. I mean, she’s an accomplished journalist, hot in a hipster glasses emo kinda way, has her own apartment. What else is Clark looking for? Such a dude.

2. Underwear is Fun to Wear

Headshots: Superman Is a Whore (and Other Kal-El Fun Facts)

Headshots isn’t the biggest Superman fan in the world. We’re more of a Batman column. The dark brooding loner, a playboy philanthropist. Cool cars. But there’s nothing, in the discourse of superheroes, Headshots likes more than pulling off a lady’s dungarees to discover a pair of Superman panties waiting happily in all their splendor. Superman panties are a fetish industry of sorts unto themselves. No dude at the local regales the slovenly minions with tales of Spiderman panties, Green Arrow g-strings, Incredible Hulk tangas, or Iron Man thongs. Something about that S. It really is super.

3. Popular Music: Superman and Suck

Headshots: Superman Is a Whore (and Other Kal-El Fun Facts)

Superman’s Song” by Crash Test Dummies? No thanks. “Can’t Stop This Thing We Started” by Bryan Adams. Pfft. “Superman” by Alanis Morissette. Puh-lease. “Superman’s Dead” by Our Lady Peace. This piece of sonic shit is my kryptonite. Wait, are all those bands Canadians? Why do Canadians hate Superman? F**king socialist hockey playing hero-hating donut eaters.

The Spin Doctors did double injustice with “Jimmy Olsen’s Blues” and naming the album on which it appears Pocket Full of Kryptonite. Horrible. Lead singer Chris Barron served me a decaf latte in Williamsburg last week. And I threw in his face. What? I didn’t write the suck.

The only exception is Sufjan Stevens’ “The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts” which is, like, six sides of awesomesauce.

4. Superman is Anti-American

Headshots: Superman Is a Whore (and Other Kal-El Fun Facts)

Superman went the way of Tina Turner, Elizabeth Taylor, and Terry Gilliam (talk about a bucket of weird) and renounced his citizenship in 2000. First of all, when did he get citizenship? Did he have an alien passport? What citizenship does Clark Kent hold? Also, was it for tax reasons? Political activism? Is he a libertarian? An anarcho-capitalist? Did some asshole give him a copy of Atlas Shrugged? Does he carry a Paraguayan passport now? If you can fly, do you need a passport? Does he have a Nexus card?

Either way, Headshots pays 75 percent of our income to the IRS, has well-documented political issues with the US, and once dated a Cuban girl, but you don’t see us renouncing.

5. Great Comedic Timing

Headshots: Superman Is a Whore (and Other Kal-El Fun Facts)

Anyone who wears their gitch in public must have a great sense of humor. In 1997 and 1998 Superman teamed up with comedian Jerry Seinfeld for a series of projects which showcased Kal-El’s superb comedic talent. Part Bud Abbott, part Marx brother, part Lenny Bruce, with a sprinkling of Mitch Hedberg, Supes’ work was some of the most original comedy Headshots has seen since our first divorce proceedings. It leaves one to wonder, if the world wasn’t such a war-ravaged dystopia, could Clark Kent have had a successful run in stand-up? Could he have transitioned to a sitcom? Would the movie roles offered lived up to his abilities? We’ll never know.

So, as you get in line for the Superman reboot this June 14th, or (more likely given Headshots’ demographic) illegally download a Russian cam version, remember: There’s very little chance you’ll see a hot chick in Superman panties in the film. So what’s the point?

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