COLLEGE. A time to grow as a person, to reach out into the dark abyss of the unknown. To shed the infantile skin of adolescence and don the brave costume of adulthood. To do Century Club on a Tuesday afternoon. To accidentally impregnate your best friend’s girlfriend. To fail magnificently, publicly, nakedly.
College is about finding oneself. It’s about getting away from your parents so that you may discover what you are without bagged lunches and allowances. It’s about taking a break from your career which last year paid you $22 million dollars so you can go to a party school and write essays on the representations of the Southern Gothic in Flannery O’Connor.
Last week, word began circulating that Twilight star, emo wunderkind, and tabloid favorite Kristen Stewart had enrolled at UCLA, majoring in English Literature. While since, representatives for Stewart have denied the rumor, it left us here at Headshots with a lot to think about. What kind of new world would be open to K-Stew if she actually did go to college? Here’s what we came up with…
1. (More) Affairs with Married Older Men
Stewart had a well-publicized affair with the married director of Snow White and the Huntsman Rupert Sanders. Sanders, two decades Stewart’s senior, has since filed for divorce from his wife and the mother of his two children, Liberty Ross. Two decades? Two kids? Divorce? The ain’t nuthin’.
In university, Stewart will have ample opportunities to contribute to the cuckold population: Professors, graduate students, deans, intramural soccer coaches, campus policemen. The affair with the married older man was born in universities, the first incident occurring in 1088 at the world’s first university, when noted jurist and professor Irnerius looked at a comely coed who had just lost her father to leprosy and thought, “Yummy.”
2. Unpaid Internships
A degree in English from a respected and reputable institution like UCLA can lead to all sorts of opportunities. But, most likely, upon leaving UCLA Stewart will have her pick of an infinite amount of unpaid internships. Random House, Penguin Books, Harper Collins, McSweeney’s, will all coming knocking on K-Stew’s door offering her the unique opportunity to fetch coffee, procure cocaine, walk dogs, and do countless hours of good work whose credit will go to others.
Headshots has four English degrees, and each of the seven current interns has at least two, so we know a little something about not getting paid. If Stewart is really lucky, she’ll get an unpaid internship at a Hollywood studio. Perhaps she could be an unpaid intern on her next film. She could be her own intern. She could take advantage of herself. Woah. Meta-internship.
3. Graduate School Applications
If there’s one thing anyone with a degree in the Humanities knows, it’s a worthless piece of overpriced shit. Stewart has a job to go back to, so it’s no big deal to her that a BA in English Lit is like getting a tattoo on your forehead that says “Unemployable”. Oh, sure, a BA Eng can get a job a Barnes & Noble. Part-time. Or, serving tables at a Dave and Buster’s. Or, giving tuggers to businessmen in airport washrooms at five bucks a pop.
But, more than likely, K-Stew will be inundated with grad school options. Three to four more years of reading, writing, fucking, and foregoing the notion of getting on with your life. And, then comes the PhD…
4. A Collection of Poetry
If there’s one thing every 23-year-old English student has in them (besides a married prof) it’s a collection of self-indulgent, self-deprecating, darkly humoristic narrative poetry. One look at K-Stew tells us here at Headshots she may have a few volumes. Gray Wolf, Wave Books, and Melville House will come a calling with promises of huge bonuses in the dozens of dollars for Stewart’s Eyes of Pattinson and it’s inevitable follow-up The Vampire in Us All. Given her fame, the books will no doubt be best sellers, surpassing the previous best selling collection of American poetry, which sold over 132 copies.
5. A Healthy Distaste for Her Own Work
One thing to note about English Lit students, is that just weeks into their first semesters they all become pretentious assholes. They’ll only read Dostoyevsky and Faulkner. They start drinking tea during the day and bourbon at night. Everybody wears scarves, even in southern climates. Only art house films, like the indulgent works of Jean-Luc Godard, Ingmar Bergman, and Jim Jarmusch if you’re feeling crazy.
Stewart will quite quickly become appalled by both Stephanie Meyer’s books, and Stewart’s representation of them in film. English students can’t enjoy; they lose that ability the first time they utter the phrase, “Žižek would be offended by these Cheetos.”
Will K-Stew actually go to college? Probably not. And why would she? She’s 23 and a multi-millionaire with job opportunities. He enrollment is, frankly, offensive to those of us who went to college so that we could one day be unemployed, yet conceited about it.