RECENTLY, A VIDEO SURFACED THAT, according to Gawker and later the Toronto Star, shows Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. Let me repeat that just in case you’re skimming this week’s edition: The video shows Toronto mayor, Rob Ford, smoking crack. Now understand, this isn’t the mayor of Nowhere, Mississippi, population 12. This isn’t Marion Berry. This isn’t the mayor of East St. Louis. This is the mayor of one of the largest cities in North America, and the economic capital of Canada. Sure, it’s just Canada, but if their economy falls apart, where are we gonna go when World War III starts? Or to get our discounted prescription drugs? Or goaltenders?
Rob Ford is a special kind of politician. Inexplicably elected by right-leaning suburbanites who are afraid of tattoos, minorities, the poor, and women with jobs, he has taken the once wonderfully boring Toronto political scene and made it the Great White North’s favorite sitcom. Except instead of featuring a wacky neighbor, it features a mayor who smokes crack. Actually, that would be an AMAZING show. Someone call Chuck Lorre.
The whole affair likely brings to an end the tumultuous reign of Ford, who at times has face planted into cameras, fallen down playing football, stolen a city bus for his varsity squad, and bent the rules of morality and ethics like a Kardashian over a pool table. It got us all here at Headshots HQ (interns, kittens, that guy who Googles pictures of half-nude chicks for us) which drugs would best suit politicians, whose rigid, uptight, politically correct way of living has a trickle down effect that makes all of our lives a little more difficult.
Nothing happens quickly in government. Bureaucracy is efficient because it is inefficient, and the populace suffers for it. Filibusters, partisanship, superfluous additions to legislation. There’s more stalling in government than in my 1993 Honda Civic. Now imagine a world where everything in government happens at light speed, without sleep, and while smoking ten cigarettes at once! Yes, politicians and cocaine need to have a summit on how they can help each other save the Western world.
It’s ironic that something as slow as government needs to chill the f**k out, let’s say once a day, maybe around 4:20? For the love of Bob Marley, these politicians need take things a little less seriously and a little more spliffily. Around the Headshots offices we partake every so often, and let me tell you, we get stuff done.
We also eat a shittonne of Doritos and watch Pineapple Express a lot, but we never miss a deadline, we never leave the masses in the lurch, and we’ve never run at a deficit. We’re a model First World nation. Except for the slavery we call internships. (I keed, I keed. I love you guys. Someone get me a coffee and Google “monkeys with erections” for me.)
Why is Ritalin readily prescribed to every high school and university student that briefly loses interest in their essay on The Great Gatsby, but governments can be distracted for generations, and nobody calls the health services clinic? The modern-day politician, part used car salesman, part D movie star, part asshole, needs to be more focused if we’re going to reduce our dependency on foreign oil, legalize marijuana and gay marriage, and stop bombing the good goddamn out of every country that doesn’t love Jesus.
What governments lack most in this day and age is imagination. Their ambitions lack ambition. Government and its politicians have less creativity than a 16-year-old about to enter his first girl, and before our goals and dreams get left six inches from the vagina of prosperity, making a mess of the inner thigh of hope, let’s attempt to reinvigorate the minds of our leaders.
Headshots once popped a few caps and re-imagined the Bible so as not to cause war or hate or Jon Cryer vehicles, but then we lost it in a moon world populated by sheep people in Ray Bans.
Is sex a drug? Yes, yes it is. Just ask David Duchovny. Or his ex-wife Tea Leoni. Or their nanny. Or watch Californication. Fornication. Hey, I just got that!
The problem with most politicians is that they look like they haven’t gotten laid since hanging chads were a punch line, and walk around with a stick so far up their asses they’re essentially human popsicles in power suits. They need to get hooked on some loving, release some tension. Seriously. You think Obama would be drone bombing the Jesus out of every Third World country with a fireworks factory if he was rubbing up on Michelle a little more often?
Rob Ford’s crack smoking isn’t a problem, but rather a gateway solution. One day he’ll be celebrated as a mayor ahead of his time.
Okay, that’s not going to happen. The dude smoked crack. On camera. He’s going to end up working at a 7-Eleven. And dealing crack.
Life and politics are a vicious cycle.
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