Claudia Verela Fears Clowns, Lacks Booty, Loves Granny Panties

Claudia VerelaClaudia Verela needs no introduction at this point—this is now her third time on TSJ, you loved her way back when and then when she did it again.

Poet but didn’t even know it! So again here’s Claudia who appealed to a lotta ya, making you feel pervy because she’s so curvy, wearing bikinis that are generally teeny. But here’s a surprise, guys: You won’t see her hiney because, apparently, it’s tiny.

Ah, poetry—the last refuge of a scoundrel. Please accept our apologies for the doggerel. It is Friday and editing this interview called for a couple of margaritas. Mix your own and enjoy Claudia.

A nickname I have had: “Tiny Hiney.” I used to bartend in Miami, and my coworkers started calling me that because I would wear these low rider hiphugging pleather pants and let’s face it … my hiney is pretty tiny!

The worst movie I have ever seen: Hot Tub Time Machine. I didn’t get it and it wasn’t funny to me.

I’m a nerd about: Dirty dishes in the sink.

Please worship my: Poor weathered feet!

Try not to stare at my: Toes.

I would rather have a root canal than: Eat oatmeal.

Sex is: Good even when not so good.

My greatest weakness: Shoes.

If I were a drag queen, my name would be: Ida Slapter

If I was a Bond girl, my name would be: Anita Haveit or Double Didi

Food that turns me on: A sizzling steak and lobster with mashed potatoes! Rrr!

I don’t understand why people think I’m: A lesbian.

Something cool about having boobs: The one with the boobs gets to play with them at the end of the day.

I cried unnecessarily the day: I broke up with an ex. What a waste of a day!

When I throw a party I make sure to have: Plenty of booze!

The funniest comedian is: Dave Chappelle.

People tell me I look like: Kourtney Kardashian.

I’m too sexy for my: Shirt. So sexy it hurts…

When I was 8 years old I thought I would be: A teacher

Stay out of my way when: I’ve been standing on stiletto heels on a wooden platform for an entire day.

I’ll let my boyfriend know I’m feeling frisky by: Waiting on the bed with nothing but a red bow on. Just kidding.

My super power: Projectile vomiting.

I am completely freaked out by: Clowns.

The most unpleasant word in the English language is: The C word

A type of ladies’ underwear I don’t enjoy wearing is: G-strings… ouch! But I love me a granny panty!

I will never understand why men: Are always grabbing their crotches in public.

My most recent wardrobe malfunction was: At a recent shoot. Oh my—nipple!

My relationship with spectator sports is: I watch the Super Bowl every year. Mostly for the commercials. And because who doesn’t like watching a bunch of men bending over wearing tights. Go Giants!

The most interesting compliment I ever got from a stranger is: A guy recently came up to me at an auto show and told me that I’m so well spoken! I guess he hasn’t heard me after a night out drinking Patron.

The most exciting thing I did today was: Eat a cupcake named the Michael Jackson! Only in Austin, Texas.

If I were to go that way, my lesbian lover would be: Megan Fox. Just look at her!

My backup career if this whole “being pretty” thing doesn’t work out: To become a trophy wife. Duh!

Something my parents made me do that still traumatizes me today: Eat runny scrambled eggs

Last time I ate way too much was: Last night, at a Mediterranean/Arabic buffet.

The best thing I learned from an ex-boyfriend was: To never let them get away with anything.

The first time I can remember feeling sexy was: When I bought my first bikini. It was pink and had a ruffled bandeou top!

The most rough-and-tumble outdoor activity I do is: Lay by the pool

A grown man should not: Lose his cool.