LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader in Vancouver.
dear TSJ, help me settle a fight. who is hotter david duchovny or gillian anderson?
Hey X-Filer stuck in 1997,
This is a very important question, but in order to address it we must understand your endgame. A simple fight, perhaps not.
Hotness has more to it than gender or sexuality. It has to do with what’s HAWT. What gets your motor running, what puts a charge in your iPhone, what slaps your monkey out of its diaper and get it to yell, “Sylvia, mommy’s home, and we need us a sloe gin fizz up in this mutha!”
So, even as a hetero male, I believe the obvious choice is Duchovny. An attractive male with a well documented sex addiction who stars in a TV show (“Californication”) that is essentially porn with better writing and less downloading. Duchovny oozes sex, he’s hot-and-a-half.
And that’s the truth,
It doesn’t matter what team you bat for, there’s absolutely no contest. Gillian Anderson for the home run.
How come? That would be because Gillian Anderson, aka, Agent Dana Scully MD, is everything exceptional all tucked into one very nice, legal-sized X-Files folder.
Intelligent green/blue eyes that prove there’s some big wheels cranking inside her pretty head? Yessiree. She’s a MD! Plus, she’s not into anything too heebeejeebs — she’s skeptical. Like Mulder’s alien business? Girl’s not so sure, right. And you gotta admire a girl with some natural UFO suspicions who’s willing to voice them. You know?
I tried Googling “percentage of crime-solving women who are doctors” but the Internet wasn’t so helpful. Thanks for nothing, Internet. However, given the distinct inequality of the genders on most continents it would be safe to say that there are less female crime-solving docs than male ones, which makes Dr. Scully that much more extraspecialsauce, to steal a word from Mike, if I may.
Another thing is she’s a redhead. What’s the percentage of redheads in the world? Not a lot. In the US it’s an estimated two to six percent of the population. This is actually a lot of people, it’s like around 6 to 18 million people. But pecentage-wise, which is what I’m talking about, it’s definitely a rarity.
So why wouldn’t you pick brains and brawn and beauty and suspicion and the occasional adorable nose-bleed over Duchovny’s blablabla Fox Mulder? Who’s named Fox? What is he, a character in a children’s book? That’s a dumb name. Plus he believes in aliens! You don’t need that.
But don’t listen to me. Who says you have to choose? If you’re such hot shit you’ve really got your pick of the lot, you’re all hanging at the Chateau Mormont, and you can sleep with X-Files celebs of either gender depending on how our vote comes in, just eat your cake and let David Duchovny watch, too.
This is why I’m HOT (Dana Scully)
Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.