LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader in Florida.
My girlfriend is a chartered accountant and I’m just a philosophy grad student. She’s used to rich guys taking her out and I can only buy her pizza and stuff. Should I break up with her?
- George, Tampa Florida
Hey there Georgie boy,
Tough spot, my friend. Tough spot. Or wait, what I meant to say was: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, MAN? Listen, Virgnia Woolf and Rosa Parks didn’t march on Washington so that Norma McCorvey and Gertrude Stein could vote for Nellie McClung and David Bowie could have a hit with “Suffragette City,” so that you could worry about your lady friend thinking you less a man because you don’t pick up the tab at Applebees.
Is your lady hot? Does she do that thing you like? If you asked, would she have a threesome with your ex? If the answer to two of these three questions is maybe, then you’re in paradise, my friend.
Let her pay for stuff. Hell, let her pay for everything. Stay in grad school until she gives you an ultimatum. Then go do a PhD. Just make certain you can bring your lady to orgasm 68 percent of the time, and keep yourself tidy. This is what we’ve been fighting for!
Do you get tired of people calling you that? Do they say even say that in Florida? I was just wondering.
So. Yeah, you’re not alone with the my lady is making more money than me situ. It’s the whole sending chicas to the university thing.
Why don’t you be a good boyfriend and cook your wealthy lady a nice meal? Give her something to look forward to when she comes back from a long day of crunching numbers. Bonus: You can buy almost everything you need at the dollar store — candles, paper towels, pasta, sauce, spices… or you’re a Rhodes Scholar so you go to the nice grocery store and get the swanky versions of this stuff.
Aim to make a girl “wink-wink” happy and you’re doing okay by her.
Accountant lady wants the coke and the clubbing and the rub-a-dub dudes in their muscle cars blasting Aerosmith post rough and tumble volleyball game with Ice Man and the boys then she’s the lame-o and you should look towards undergrads to play baller.
Got a question for Melissa and Mike? Click here and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.