Ask TSJ: Hey Beyonce, Can You Make Me a Model? (Seriously, We Got This Letter)

LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

This week’s incredible question comes from an unnamed TSJ reader in Louisiana.

This  is  to  beyonce u  never  seen  me  before but we are related by the derun and the roys  from delcamber and  kaplan newlberia louisanna and  my   baby girl  look  like   u the only different she  want to be amodel and  she  got the looks so could u  please write  us  back

MIKE SAYS:

Dear (insert your name, that means you who wrote this, here…should you somehow, God willing, find your way back to the Ask TSJ page which you, apparently, found all by yourself one day),

I don’t speak whatever it is you speak, so I’m going to try and guess as to what you’re blathering on about. You’re a distant relative of Beyonce’s and your baby is cute, and you’d like to monetize that child. Lucky for you, inbred Southern children are all the rage in reality TV land. I would contact TLC (network of Honey What What, starring Honey, sister cousin 4-year-old “Beauty” Queen) via their owner, the Discovery Channel here. They’re going to love hearing from you.

All the best, and pass along my condolences to the Louisiana school system,
Mike

MELISSA SAYS: 

Hi,

I know it’s the Internet and we don’t really know each other, but I am about the furthest thing from Beyonce you ever saw. Unless I am related to her Irish/French Canadian branch of the family and I gave her all my sexy genes. And if that’s the case, aren’t you glad I did?

Me, I’m too short and plump for modeling, which is why they made me a writer. Though as a child I was kind of Scandinavian kid cute, and I was approached by some scout, or like my mom’s friend or something to be a model. I was too shy to even talk about it, and my folks told me there would be a boy in the pictures, and I didn’t like boys then as much as I do now, so I said no, though inside I was screaming, “Yes! Yes! Yes!” a la Meg Ryan. Like in a Toddlers in Tiaras way. Uh. Metaphor trip up going on. I’m so in trouble right now.

Now I’m growed up I def regret that my parents didn’t stage-hand bully me into modeling. I can totally see why you want to get your baby girl into the game. Imagine the gargantuan former child star loft/meth/eating disorder I’d have/she’ll have? Sigh. It’s like Sliding Doors all over again.

Anyway, it’s been so great to catch up! Best of luck with the baby modeling, and the reconnecting with your long lost Jay Z family. And speaking of Sliding Doors, I hear the Z fam are friends of Gwyneth Paltrow’s? I mean, I read that? So, like, maybe ask Gwynnie to hook you up?

Love,
Melissa

“Crazy in Love”

Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately. 

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Ask TSJ: How to Keep Loving Up on Strange 
Ask TSJ: The “Accidental” Boob Tweet 
Ask TSJ: Dude Wants to Do it to Enya 

468X60AD