Could Ashley Z Have Saved the Heat?

Ashley ZEh, probably not.

This rookie is for our money the hottest dancer (remember when they were cheerleaders? That was fun) on the hottest dance squad in the NBA. But is she hot enough that she might have pulled the Heat out of their stupor? What if this had happened:

Mike Breen: Well, it looks like King James is going to take a rest. It is not his night.

Jeff Van Gundy: It’s not his series. He simply has failed to show up, and the Heat aren’t the same team.

Mark Jackson: Spoelstra’s going to have to pull a rabbit out of a hat.

Breen: Looks like some confusion down there at the scorer’s table. Well this is unconventional — I’m being told that Heat dancer Ashley Z. is checking in to replace James.

Jeff Van Gundy Mark Jackson Mike Breen

Jackson: Oh man, she is HOT!

Van Gundy: You said it, Mark, this girl is smokin’.

Breen: Perhaps this is the sort of “heat” the Heat can use to their advantage. Might get a little steamy out there, eh guys?

Van Gundy: Settle down, Mike.

Jackson: Wait a second, I think we’re all in agreement that she is really, really hot, but from a basketball standpoint — I don’t see it. Even a subpar Lebron is more of a threat than Ashley Z.

Van Gundy: Now Mark, let’s give the girl a chance.

Breen: I’d give her a chance. A chance to–

Van Gundy: Settle down, Mike.

Breen: Let’s go to Doris — Doris, what can you tell us about this development?

Doris Burke: Well I can confirm that you are absolutely right — this Ashley Z. is really smoking hot. I’m standing here just a few feet away from her and I think the temperature just went up about five degrees.

Van Gundy: Can you comment on what she’s wearing?

Burke: Good point, Jeff. It’s a sequined cowboy hat, very short cut-off top, and some Daisy Dukes that are also quite short. I believe this is called the “cowgirl” uniform.

Doris Burke

Jackson: Do we have underboob?

Burke: Well, we have the appearance of underboob, yes. But remember, this is a dancer’s outfit. Very precisely engineered. So this is not underboob as you might be thinking of underboob.

Breen: So to clarify, Doris, I think I can sum up our thoughts here in the booth as, well, in terms of nip-slip action–

Burke: No nip-slip, guys. She can do the Smurf in this outfit, she can do the Jerk, the Robocop, and the Running Man in this outfit. Not popping out of this top. Not gonna happen. One thing I can tell you, though, and it’s creating quite a stir here among her Heat teammates — these shorts are showing a lot of cheek. A lot.

Breen: So you’re saying…

Burke: I’m saying, if you want to see something pop out of this girl’s costume, it’s already popped, and it’s called her ass cheeks.

Van Gundy: Great journalism, Doris. Can you tell us, how does she, eh, measure up?

Burke: Well she isn’t listed on the stat sheet, obviously, but although she is one of the taller dancers she will be the shortest player on the floor for either team. Even J.J. Barea has a couple of inches on her.

Van Gundy: Ok, but actually I was asking…

Burke: C-cup, guys. It’s a full C. I know that from where you’re sitting you’re thinking D, but I’m up close and I can tell you there is a lot of lateral squeezing in that area, and some padding. A lot of cleavage, but she’s a C. A full C — and really, that’s all you need.

Breen: Right you are, Doris. And it’s game on here at American Airlines Arena. Wade takes the inbounds pass, immediately dishes to Ashley Z.

Jackson: Look at that — she dribbles like a girl. The Heat have problems, but I gotta tell you, this isn’t the answer.

Breen: She manages to get it in to Ilgauskas with a low bounce pass — running a classic give and go here.

Jackson: Oh, no…

Van Gundy: Yikes.

Breen: Ashley Z leveled by Jason Kidd. Wasn’t even looking, never saw him.

Van Gundy: She’s a pretty girl, but that was anything but pretty.

Jackson: She may be a dancer, but she went down like a sack of potatoes.

Van Gundy: That’s a pretty nice looking sack of potatoes.

Jackson: Ore-Ida is Alright-a.

Breen: Ashley Z. not getting up, I think the trainers are breaking out the smelling salts. Looks like LeBron won’t be getting the breather he’d hoped for.

Jackson: Listen to this crowd now, they’re really giving Jason Kidd an earful. It would seem they liked the idea of having Ashley Z. on the floor even though, in a basketball sense, she was destined to be a non-factor.

Jeff Van Gundy Mark Jackson Mike Breen

Breen: Hey, I liked the idea of having Ashley Z. on the floor. Still do.

Van Gundy: Settle down, Mike.

Jackson: Taking a look at it on the replay, and — just brutal.

Van Gundy: Kidd not the beefiest guy in the league, but still — that’s a 210-pound man just dropping a 120-pound girl.

Jackson: I know there’s a lot on the line, but you just have to ask, Jason Kidd, how could you do that to a girl?

Van Gundy: Ehhh…

Jackson: Uh, I mean, during the course of a game. A girl you’re playing basketball against.

Van Gundy: Absolutely, we’re not saying he did anything illegal.

Jackson: We’re not saying call the cops.

Breen: To your point, guys, there is no foul on the play. We might all agree that it was excessive, but it was within the rules of the game.

Van Gundy: It’s not like he slugged her.

Jackson: Ah… no, it’s not. Um.

Van Gundy: Yeah, I didn’t mean to imply that he’s the kind of guy…

Jackson: This is not a good conversation to be having. Mike, can you take us to commercial?

Breen: Sorry, Mark, that’s not my call. That’s up to the guys in the truck.

Van Gundy: Fuck.

Breen: Well if you think it’s awkward in the booth, things are worse down on the floor.

Jackson: The mood in the arena is not good right now — feels as if this NBA crowd is turning into a professional wrestling crowd.

Van Gundy: I hope the viewers at home can’t hear some of the things we’re hearing from this crowd. They’re really tearing into Jason Kidd. Really chanting some things about his personal struggles that I think are not helping anyone.

Breen: Let’s not forget that there is a young lady still lying there on the court. A young lady, Cuban-American, a college student, she came here tonight to dance but the organization called upon her to play a, frankly, a bizarre role, one which she was not suited for.

Van Gundy: That’s heart. Girl’s got a lotta heart.

Jackson: Gutty, gutty effort by the young dancer.

Breen: I like her moxie. She’s got spunk.

Jeff Van Gundy Mark Jackson Mike Breen

Van Gundy: Settle down, Mike.

Jackson: She comes here with a dream, who knows, maybe a small boat, maybe she has to stow away. She spends her last few dollars to hire a guy — who knows, maybe he’s a pirate? Maybe she’ll be sold into slavery. But it’s that dream that keeps her going, she decides she’ll take her chances. She wants to own a TV and drive a Buick someday, she wants to live in America…

Breen: Hold on, Mark, it just says she’s Cuban-American. She wasn’t necessarily born in Cuba.

Jackson: Oh.

Van Gundy: She’s not Elian Gonzales. This is not an eight-year-old boy.

Breen: I’ll say it’s not. No, that’s no eight-year-old boy, that’s all woman.

Van Gundy: Settle down, Mike.

Breen: The crowd taunting Kidd. He’s just standing there at center court, a very lonely figure right now. The Mavs milling about near their bench, not looking particularly supportive of their teammate. I think security might need to get him out of here before somebody does something unfortunate.

Van Gundy: Kidd is not well liked here in Miami.

Jackson: Let’s face it, these Miami fans don’t like anyone. This is — well as you can see the beverage cups have started to rain down.

Van Gundy: Starting to feel like a scene out of the Roman Empire. Only it’s the whole crowd giving him the thumbs-down.

Jackson: I am really not comfortable right now. I don’t like this.

Van Gundy: I don’t want to be here.

Breen: I’m with you guys. The good news here is Ashley Z is struggling to her feet, she seems to be conscious. But she is just in a great, great deal of pain.

Jackson: I think tomorrow a lot of people will be questioning whether this was necessary. I just don’t know what Spoelstra could have been thinking.

Van Gundy: I agree, as hot as we all think she is, there is just no way she could have helped her teammates as a ball handler.

Breen: Well, actually, when you put it that way–

Van Gundy: Settle down, Mike.

Breen: Ok, I’m being told we’re going to go to commercial.

Van Gundy: Thank you Jesus.

Breen: You’re watching the NBA Finals on ABC.

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