By Charlie Jones
The end of the year decided to drop by unannounced YET AGAIN, forcing us to sit back and reflect on the events of the past 12 months. What kind of year was 2012, what did we learn from it, how much did the world grow during that time? These are the questions we should be asking ourselves but unfortunately those questions are boring so instead let’s go with a few naughtier ones. Like, what was this year’s…
Best Porno – The Rocki Whore Picture Show
In the world of adult entertainment, porn parodies are the equivalent of those “love coupons” you get your partner for Valentine’s Day, i.e., lazy, unimaginative and sexually disappointing. So how crazy is it that a porn parody of The Rocky Horror Picture Show would end up as THE greatest junk-slam flick of 2012?
At least, that’s the opinion of the AVN committee, which awarded the movie 9 awards total in 2012, including Best Direction and Non-Sex Performance. You read that right: not only is there non-sexual acting in this movie, it was also GOOD, apparently. The Mayans might have been right, people.
Best Adult Book – The Casual Vacancy
1) It was written by the author of Harry Potter and includes scenes of prostitution and rape;
2) Fifty Shades of Grey came out in 2011.
Best Sex Toy – The $4,000 Gold-plated Vibrator
This gold-plated orifice-stuffer, worth more than your car, does not make the list because of its insanely high price but because of its potential to inspire a future smash comedy hit. You see, in mid-2012, the device was actually stolen from an upscale sex shop in Brazil.
After tying down the shop assistant, the thief went to get the dildo (which must have set off 60 different alarms in the shop employee’s mind) before walking out of the store with it. The robber most likely hoped to melt it down for the gold, which as it turns out is unfortunately impossible due to the toy’s stainless steel core. So… that means this guy basically just stole himself a gaudy, dick-shaped grand larceny charge. And that’s hilarious.
Best Sex Scandal – Don’t Tickle Me, Elmo
The Don’t Tickle Me, Elmo scandal, as every hack comedian (hi, mom!) has been calling it, involved the accusations by Sheldon Stephens that he and Kevin Clash—the puppeteer behind Sesame Street’s Elmo—had sex when Sheldon was still a minor.
That’s really all there needs to be said about this because if you don’t consider the idea of an ELMO SEX SCANDAL to be the greatest, sex-related public humiliation of 2012, that clearly means you must know something about Big Bird and his affinity for Thai ladyboys.
Best Breasts – Christina Hendricks
Since the premiere of Mad Men, millions of young men have started wearing suits and hats to establish a believable excuse for obsessing over the show so much. For the fifth year in a row, Christina Hendricks’s breasts were their actual reason(s).
Best X-Rated TV Series – Game of Thrones
Game of Thrones has single-handedly revived the public’s interest in the fantasy genre and taught us all a valuable lesson: Expositions in TV shows are fine as long as at least one character is naked. The show’s frequent usage of sex scenes to deliver information about its characters has even earned the technique the very clever name of sexposition.
Be it introducing the key players of the series while one of them is getting a blowjob or exposing the past of another character while a girl goes downtown on another girl in the background, Game of Thrones has made sure that its audience is always—and I mean ALWAYS—paying close attention to what’s happening onscreen.