Alex Sim-Wise Answers a Bunch of Questions

Alex Sim-WiseBritish model and Attack of the Show correspondent Alex has always been a favorite of ours. A hearty thank you her for answering these silly questions.

A nickname I have had: I used to be called “Pink” when I was at University. I used to wear pink a lot and had pink hair at one point so my flatmates just started calling me it and it spread… but it was a pretty lame nickname. Better than being called “Brown,” though, I suppose.

The worst movie I have ever seen: The Notebook. My boyfriend made me watch it and it was terrible. I dunno, I thought it might be alright seeing as it had Ryan Gosling in it, but it was all just really stupid. I’m not much of a fan of rom-coms.

I’m a nerd about: Zombies. Tank Girl comics. Knitting. Twin Peaks. Final Fantasy. Silent Hill. Japan. North Korea. Foreign Films. Junko Mizuno.

Please worship my: Tenuous wit and fading intellect.

Try not to stare at my: Face, for too long. You’ll get rabies.

I would rather have a root canal than: I’ve had so many root canals in the past few weeks that’s its really not a big deal anymore. I even did the last one with no anaesthetic, although it did make me almost buy a budgie AND a kitten afterwards so it must have warped my mind. I’m surprised I have any teeth left.

Sex is: Filthy but private.

My greatest weakness: Nature shows on TV. I actually can’t watch them as they make me too sad. I don’t understand how the cameramen can just sit passively by and not try and intervene when some wolf is eating cute tiny animal babies.

If I went into porn, my name would be: FISTY MCBUTTPLUG THE WONDERDOG.

If I was a Bond girl, my name would be: FISTY MCBUTTPLUG THE WONDERDOG.

Food that turns me on: Anything from Fortnam & Mason. It’s a posh old-fashioned department store in London that feeds the Queen (apparently) and I just love it in there.

I don’t understand why people think I’m: Intimidating. I have people tell me that a lot that I look super confident and intimidating, but I’m really not. I’m a giant dork if you get to know me.

Something cool about having boobs: You can make them clap like a big meat sandwich. See also: Motorboating.

I cried unnecessarily the day: “The” day? How about every day? Haha. I’m very sensitive. I cry a lot, but the last time I cried the most unnecessarily was while watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I don’t know why but it got me man, it got me right there. *Touches heart*. *Chokes*.

When I throw a party I make sure to have: Cakes. Lots and lots of homemade cakes, lube, and blow up dolls.

The funniest comedian is: I love Melissa McCarthy, she had me LOLing hard in Bridesmaids. I wish I could have best friends as awesome as her in that film. I heard she is Jenny McCarthy’s cousin? Jenny was a total role model to me growing up and another favorite comedian of mine.

People tell me I look like: Christina Hendricks, which I really don’t mind as she is mega hot, although sadly I think I have a long way to go to get boobs as big as hers!

I’m too sexy for my: Top hat.

I wish people would stop Tweeting about: What to have for lunch. Seriously. That is not what Twitter is for. I don’t know what Twitter is for, but it’s not that. Have you ever looked in the dark corners of Twitter though? I found a bunch of Twitter feeds from guys who call themselves ‘hungry bottoms’ who just post pictures of their cock and bumholes while at work. That was interesting. I don’t know why I found that. Also the people who send sexy tweets pretending to be someone famous, to other tweeters doing the same thing is pretty weird too.

When I was 8 years old I wanted to: Make the entire cast of Ghostbusters out of toilet roll. That was actually a legitimate ambition of mine that I thought I could do. I even got my friends to collect toilet rolls and ended up with bin bags full of them that I never managed to do anything with. I was a strange kid. My other ambition was to play for the Boston Celtics, despite the fact I was British and couldn’t play baseball [sic]. I had big dreams.

Stay out of my way when: I lose my temper. I’m a feisty one, but it’s usually short-lived.

I’ll let you know I’m feeling frisky by: Putting on my sexiest underwear and jumping around like Austin Powers on heat.

My super power: Pterodactyls.

I am completely freaked out by: Vomit. I have emetophobia and it pretty much controls my life. No theme parks or boat rides for me!

The most unpleasant word or phrase in the English language is: Queef.

A type of ladies’ underwear I don’t enjoy wearing is: Tights (pantyhose?). They are so unsexy, give me a pair of stockings over tights any day!

I will never understand why men: Cheat. Like, I’m a big fan of Mad Men, but every time Don cheats it makes me so sad inside. Obviously I know it’s not real, but he has such a beautiful family at home I kind of feel like he doesn’t need to do it. I know that’s not a very Playboy way of thinking but I guess I am just traditional at heart. When I love someone I give everything to them and never cheat. I don’t think it’s too much to ask them to do the same.

My most recent wardrobe malfunction was: My life is just one long, unrelenting wardrobe malfunction. I’m probably one of the only people who misses the days when life was easy and my parents would pick my clothes.

My relationship with spectator sports is: Err… pass? I used to be a cheerleader so I’m more of a fan of American Football than British Football, but I don’t have a team that I support.

The most interesting compliment I ever got from a stranger is: I never get compliments from strangers! Actually, that’s a lie, the best anonymous compliment I have received is this: “I would get that guy ffrom ‘hunny i shrunk the kids’ to shrink me so i could go inside her and explore her and she could give birth to me and i would know the feel of her up on my chin.” it’s very creative.

The most exciting thing I did today was: Become director of my own company! I won’t bore you with the details of what I do but it’s super creative and I am mega excited about starting a new chapter in my life!

My secret weapon: Pterodactyls.

Radeo Suicide

If I were to go that way, my lesbian lover would be: Radeo Suicide. She reminds me of a 60s playmate, I think she is beautiful and such a fun person to be around.

Song I am most likely to play turned up to 11: “Moves Like Jagger” — it’s so naff but it turns me into a silly person. Imagine a 5 year old that’s had too many E numbers dancing on their own at a party, and you’re close to imagining what I look like when that song is played.

My backup career if this whole “being pretty” thing doesn’t work out: My being pretty card ran out a while ago so I have fully branched out into doing other things. I present now for G4TV and write for Front Magazine, which I suppose are moderately reliant on me not being horrible to look at but I think my nudey modelling days are definitely behind me. But it’s okay guys, according to Google I am forever nude, so never fear!

Something my parents made me do that still traumatizes me today: Dance at parties as entertainment. I was a fat chubby ginger kid and my parents thought it would be hilarious to wheel me out at parties to showcase my bad dancing skills to their friends. It was so painful, I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

Last time I ate way too much: Was in San Diego during the Comic Con. Everyone had been raving about this blueberry steak and how amazing it was, so of course I had to try it. There is a hilarious picture of me looking like I’m about to explode while Sara Underwood stares at me like I’m a human cow/waste disposal unit.

On the worst bender of my life, I was drinking: You know, I’m not a big drinker. I’ve only gotten paralytic once in my life from alcohol and ended up huddled in a ball and weeing myself on the floor outside a nightclub, which was… how do you put it?… ladylike.

The best thing I learned from an ex-boyfriend was: What not to look for.

The first time I can remember feeling sexy was: Not until I was about 19 or 20 and started cheerleading. Up until then I’d been a bit of an ugly duckling. I don’t think I’d even heard anyone call me pretty until then, which is kinda sad if you think about it…

The most rough-and-tumble outdoor activity I do is: Horse-riding. I used to be really good at it.

A grown man should not: Cry, unless he’s at a funeral.