8 Signs You Should Be a Stripper

People tend to be destined for certain things in life. Like some people are destined to be strippers. They look sexy, they act sexy, and they have the the legs to muscle up and down a stripper pole and hang upside-down in death-defying, sexy ways.

Are you destined to be shimmying poles and shaking your ass across the stage? Probably you are? Here are the 8 classic signs to check if you’re one of them natural-born strippers.

1. YOU’RE ALWAYS BEING YELLED AT BY OVERWEIGHT MEN

Our research is in: Most strip club owners are overweight and sweaty. Do you have an overweight man in your life that enjoys talking down to you every now and then? Get stripping!

2. LOUD MUSIC MAKES YOU HORNY

Bob Dylan is great but who wants to be grinded up on to “Mr. Tambourine Man”. Do you get all horned up once the loud music cranks on? Consider jiggling your bod for cash!

3. WHEN YOUR BOYFRIEND ASKS YOU TO DRESS UP FOR DINNER YOU THROW ON A SKIMPY SCHOOLGIRL OUTFIT

Classic stripper move! If this is one of your problems then start sending out those resumes and headshots ASAP, ladies. You’ve got a future in the spotlight!

4. THE SIGHT OF A ONE-DOLLAR BILL EXCITES YOU

George Washington. He’s so dreamy. Do you get weak in the knees at the sight of that little Washington? Then, lady, you’ve got potential. You could make hundreds in one night! Start peeling off the clothes!

5. “CHERRY” SEEMS LIKE A SOLID NAME CHANGE

If you’re feeling that your name is a bit colorless and you can picture yourself as a “Cherry” or a “Candy”, then the stage is definitely a place you might feel right at home. Who wants a lap dance from ‘Barb?’ No one!

6. THONGS ARE TOO CONSERVATIVE

If you find the G-String, the C-String, or even the commando more “you,” then you are well on your way to becoming the fantasy of a handful of guys. A roomful actually. Plus George Washington’s fave lady.

7. YOUR SHOES ARE ALWAYS FOUR INCHES TOO HIGH

Let’s be honest. High heels are hot. So if you start looking around and notice that your shoes are way taller than the ladies around you, you either need to buy up some Sketchers or strut over to the nearest club and sign up for a position on staff.

8. DRY HUMPING IS SO YOUR THING

Can you dry hump anything? A pole? The floor? Your friends? A chair? If you’re a woman who loves dry humping as much as your little poodle does, you’re totally born to be a stripper. Live the dream.

 

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Notes from Strippers: Hygiene 101
Eight Sexy Videos of Sexy Women Doing Sexy Tricks

 

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