Christmas cheer is in the air; and it smells a lot like cheap red wine, Lysol and polyester. Perverted men everywhere are currently gracing their thrones and making questionable comments towards their scantily clad “helpers” under the title of Santa. As the days creep closer and closer to everyone’s “favorite” holiday of the year panic ensues. What the fuck do you get your girl for Christmas? It seems like ladies are never satisfied when it comes to gifts; they legitimately act like you handed them a swift high-five gift-wrapped with a bow.
It’s either not good enough, insulting or “TOTALLY THE WRONG COLOR!” If your girl is being vague about what she wants this holiday season good luck playing the guessing game but be sure to avoid these five gift-bombs that will for sure get you dumped (unless that’s what you want).
1. SHAKE WEIGHT
This gift is like the 2 Chainz of the gift game; wrong, absurd and insulting. You’re either insinuating that her saddle bags (flabby skin under the arm) are getting out of control OR that she needs to work on her hand-job game.
Including a tube of lube with this may or may not send you straight to county jail. Unless your girl has a great sense of humor and this is being followed up by some random silver bangle from Tiffany’s YOU’RE OUTTA HERE. Try a jump rope, at least you can watch her boobs bounce.
2. BOMBSHELL BRA
You might as well save your money to buy her a boob job or at least put some cotton balls in a zip lock so she can shove that in her bra. Guys seem to have a love-hate relationship with this infamous bra; they love the way it looks until it hits the floor then they feel like the biggest chump on the planet, kind of like when people found out that Frank Ocean was actually gay. Handing this to your girl will insinuate that you aren’t happy with her rocky mountains and you’re ready to hit the bigger slopes. There is a good chance you will meet your maker on Christmas morning from being suffocated to death by a bombshell.
Good way to go? You decide.
3. WEIGHT WATCHERS MEMBERSHIP
“So babe, before you open this I just wanted to let you know that I support you and want you to be the best you that you can be… You’re looking a little like Jessica Simpson 2011 but you can definitely become Jessica Simpson circa Dukes of Hazzard by at least March” has never worked in the history of time. The only way to POSSIBLY pull this one off is to buy yourself a membership as well and turn it into a “couples weight loss” goal (if you’re 55+ and on Viagra).
Just buy her a case of beer and tell her she’s beautiful.
4. LASER HAIR REMOVAL SESSIONS
So it’s wintertime and your girl is getting lazy with the shaving. This happens to many women around the holidays; some just don’t care because they’re wearing pants every day and some prefer a nice fur coat for warmth. I mean, you guys have “no shave November” we at least deserve “fuck you legs are a pain in the ass to shave” December right? No? Okay.
Regardless, no (girls or guys) appreciate being lacerated with hair stubs while getting hot and heavy. Most men don’t even know what laser hair removal is in the first place so to purchase this gift may leave your lady questioning your sexuality. No one really wants to hear “wait… are you saying I’m too hairy?” on Christmas morning.
Buy her a hairbrush instead.
5. A STRIPPER POLE
Guys love strip clubs. Just like cars, grills and sports…it’s one of those things that us women just take as it is. No questions asked- we’d rather not know (unless we’re there with you). When your guy loves strip clubs so much that he takes the most vital part of the club into the bedroom; then it becomes a gift that will land you right on the couples therapy couch. A stripper pole is usually something that the performer should purchase themselves; it’s not like buying a broom because you think your girl should clean more. It’s buying a large silver pole and asking for an acrobatic performance on a daily basis.
If this sounds like your idea gift then it sounds like you need to take an adult time-out in your car blasting “I’m In Love With A Stripper” until it’s out of your system. Otherwise you might end up replacing the star on top of the tree hanging from that pole.
Tracie Kurtz is on Twitter — follow her! @IWASLIKEYOTRAYY