GONE ARE THE DAYS WHEN PEOPLE FELT THE URGE TO HIDE THEIR SEXUAL DESIRES. In a post-Internet world saturated with sex, drugs, and alcohol, fetishes are things that our society no longer shies away from. We embrace the sex-hungry nymphos we would once put into institutions, and we give them reality television contracts, film their sex quirks for documentaries or give them daytime talk shows and book deals. We can’t get enough of crazy. But not all sexual fetishes are entertaining; some when practiced precariously are deadly. Seriously, there are some kinks out there that take sadomasochism to a whole other level of bedroom play. We’re all for acceptance of all sexualities but gorging yourself on high fat foods to the point of orgasm is something that’s going to take a little while for us to understand. (If you haven’t obsessively followed the fast food sexual saga of Gabi Jones get Googling this instant!)
So the next time you take a girl home and she asks you if you’re into some kind of fetish you’re not too familiar with, be sure to keep this list on hand if you want to live to see another day.
When in doubt, don’t do what you can’t pronounce.
1. Vorarephilia (Vore)
Meaning: Getting hot and heavy about the thought of being eaten, consuming another or observing someone eating someone else.
Possible Outcomes: Waking up in a tub missing your kidney, general Satanism shenanigans, cholesterol problems, finding yourself on the FBI watch list, actually enjoying the Dahmer Biopic.
Avert a Crisis By: Building limbs made out of meatloaf and somehow attaching them to your body, finding as many Vorarephilia comic books you can online and taping the pages to walls in your ‘special room’, getting a degree in Visual FX and make money on other vore enthusiasts.
Meaning: Getting choked way past the point of foreplay for pleasure.
Possible Outcomes: Splurging on overpriced designer belts at Saks, leaving behind a legacy of family shame upon your imminent death, coming to consciousness and having to deal with a woman in hysterics, passing out before ejaculating, believing that it’s trendy to wear a chocker in public.
Avert a Crisis By: Common sense, using really cheap rope in case of an ‘accidental hanging’, keeping a photo of David Carradine in your home to remind yourself that you have to be careful.
Meaning: The sexual thrill of being in life-threatening situations.
Possible Outcomes: Having to sleep in an alley somewhere in the Bronx, getting stabbed, spending your night in emergency with a knife jutting out of your chest, dying of blood loss, not getting laid.
Avert a Crisis By: Buying lifelike replicas of weapons the day after Halloween for really cheap and spray painting them so they look legitimate. Invite your autoassassinophilia booty call to an undisclosed location and let your inner Dexter shine.
Meaning: Being sexually aroused by someone enforcing pain to your sexual organs.
Possible Outcomes: Penis surgery, crying when you pee.
Avert a Crisis By: Using nerf tools? Foam bricks?
Meaning: Being sexually aroused by someone who has committed a horrific crime.
Possible Outcomes: Becoming aroused by made-for-TV serial killer biopics, still following what Amanda Knox is up to, joining a cult, idolizing Bonnie and Clyde, being killed by a loved one.
Avert a Crisis By: Strictly dating via long distance relationships, only having sex in policed facilities, making sure your partner is not into asphyxiophilia or vore.