IF THE WORLDLY CREATOR had wanted civil society to engage in sordid and sloppy affairs known as ménage à trois, he would have created all men with two peckers immune to every unfortunate occurrence from the common cold to a nuclear holocaust, a floating jaw, and the uncanny ability to maintain an glass cuttin’ hard-on for more than fifteen minutes without huffing hard liquor gasses or cramming prostate-numbing narcotics up the old sphincter.
And while we are happy to report that there are many legions of the sleazy bastard still feverishly on the prowl within this degenerate nation of ours, we were shocked, however, to learn that the majority of white bread civilization does not have any experience when it comes to having a threesome, much less a working knowledge of the brass ball in-and-outs of inciting a full blown sleazy threesie.
You see, unlike the common, all-American, household threesome, the sleazy threesie flirts with more of a sure thing by incorporating a slightly skankier version of that high budget porn actress that you’ve had bent over the left anterior cingulate cortex of your brain ever since you were old enough to start stealing your dad’s Playboy collection. Toss in a case of beer and a complete disregard for both standards and inhibition and you got yourself the meanest goddamned sleazy threesie ever witnessed by even the most decedent community of trailer park goons and two-for-one prostitutes.
So, if you have aspirations of luring more than one woman at a time into your filthy bed, we suggest that you lower your standards and utilize the following tips to help you make it all happen.
1. Boning Besties:
The Beer-Bellied Charmer
You will not a find a better opportunity to stretch the moral fiber of your altar boy upbringing and commit unspeakable acts of neck slobbering carnage with two girls at one time quite like you will with a couple of best friends. These girls are typically inseparable, and they share everything from their checkered tales of sexual depravity, right down to their fantasy of double-teaming some young stud that they just picked up at the local tavern.
The trick here is to not give all of your focus to just one of the girls. You have to lure them both in with a high level of charm and convince these curious kittens to spend the remainder of the evening with you
Now, if you happen to be blessed with dashing good looks and the body of an Abercrombie model, you may find that capturing the attention of some sleazy threesie prospects is not that difficult of a task. But for the mutt majority of the short, bald and beer-bellied, lots of booze and bullshit will have to work. Be interesting – be charming – be polite, but don’t be too eager.
Regardless of the situation, remember, your ultimate goal is not to immediately sell the girls on the idea of rolling around naked with you, but to simply get their asses to a more private location where you can eventually go in with both balls blazin’.
2. It’s Party Time:
Wild Turkey and the Power Ballad Aphrodisiac
If the sleazy bastard gets this far, he should know that the hard part is over – and while there still remains quite a bit of room for a guy to ruin his chances of giving his new female friends the old Jack Tripper treatment, there isn’t much under these circumstances that some patience and subtle determination will not conquer.
Seriously, you will want to ensure that these girls are distracted from the rest of the world, while making them feel as comfortable and in control as humanly possible.
Also, give the girls the power to establish the overall vibe of the entire wicked scene by allowing them to select their favorite music from the extensive collection of eighties hair metal cassettes that you should have stashed somewhere in close proximity to a couple of dragon statuettes and a vintage Iron Maiden mirror that was won in a game of Flukey Ball during some redneck carnival back in 1988.
Hey, don’t laugh! There is no better aphrodisiac than turning up an analog playlist of pretty boy, power ballads complete with screeching guitar solos for showing off those air guitar chops of yours and bullshit lyrics for sing-a-long time with the ladies. Remember, the most important aspect for creating the ideal atmosphere for a sleazy threesie is to make sure everyone gets ripped out of their minds and is having a good time.
3. It’s Time to Get Sleazy:
Caligula and the Two Whores
Even the most inexperienced sleazy bastard must be able to determine when the time is right to start getting, well, sleazy.
Rest assured, you will know the time is right for transitioning this little social orgy of yours into the triple-X spectrum of sleaze the moment the whole twisted affair starts to appear as if you are governing a couple of sex slaves like a ravenous Emperor of the Roman Empire suffering from complications of advanced neurosyphilis.
However, regardless of your Caligula-esque instincts, it is best to allow your new pets to make the first move, as you always want to give them a sense of security and make them feel that every despicable move they make is essentially their idea. Yet it is crucial to never lose sight that your objective here is to have sex with two women – not just one. So, be sure to keep slinging the same amount of attention and bullshit with respect to both girls in your madcap attempt to make them both your pillow ornaments by sunrise.
It is worth mentioning that even the worst possible case scenario in your pursuit of the sleazy threesie will result in one hell of a good time – so just go for it!
Follow Mike Adams and his journey into the uncircumcised mind of the sleazy bastard on Twitter @adamssoup!