For most of Hollywood actresses, winning an Academy Award is the pinnacle of their career. Win one of those babies and the sky is the limit. You will have steady work that pays ridiculous amount of money until the day you die. And no matter how hard some actresses might try to, you know, suck the devil’s dick for an Oscar, they just don’t hand those things out to every drug-addicted fool in Hollywood. The amount of “perceived prestige” that comes with winning an Oscar means a WEALTH of alternative opportunities to cash in.
Enter instant easy mega-money for Oscar winning actors: Commercials. Some people have a stigma against slapping a brand tattoo across their faces and turning themselves into some kind of corporate swine only interested in bacon bit money that they really don’t need. But fuck. Dangle $2-million in front of my face for one day of filming and I’ll stick whatever you want up my ass in front of whatever camera you got in the middle of Times Square. But I’m poor. So I don’t have any morals.
And my asshole is BIG.
I don’t blame any one of these beautiful leading ladies for selling themselves for a product. I mean, look, one of these babies could mean that 10 generations of Julia Roberts ancestry can go to college 50 times over just to drop out and become actors themselves.
ALL Roberts are actors. Even you, Lisa.
Commercials are a quick-n-easy way for these award winning hot commodities to make some real good extra scratch without ever even thinking about breaking a sweat. But the commercials these leading ladies put themselves through can be just down right embarrassing. This here is a collection of the most embarrassing commercials from Academy Award Winners in the Lead Actress Category.
Sorry, Shelley Winters. NO SUPPORTING ACTRESSES.
1. Meryl Streep: Kramer vs. Kramer (1979), Sophie’s Choice (1982), The Iron Lady (2011)
1990 American Express
What’s an Academy Awards anything list without Meryl. Seventeen times, she’s been nominated! She could jiggle man arm fat at a football game and the Academy would stand, applaud and give her that statue (at the very least nominate her). In this acting de force commercial, we have the “greatest actress of all-time” acting out a story to a bunch of kindergartners because, you know, there isn’t a stage that Meryl doesn’t bring the house down at. The fact that she has to fucking over-act in front of a bunch of kids is ridiculous. Can she just turn it off once in awhile.
All around shitty silly situation. Embarrassing blemish on Meryl’s career which isn’t a blemish at all because its Meryl Streep and people will take bats to the head for how great she is. Bats. To head. For Meryl. People go nuts for that woman.
Hit me again!!! ANYTHING FOR MERYL!
2. Faye Dunaway: Network (1976)
Maybe the funniest commercial of all-time, a glum-looking Faye Dunaway peels a hard boiled egg and eats it for Parco. That’s it.
3. Nicole Kidman: The Hours (2002)
In some Slumdog Bollywood scenario, Nicole Kidman pets an Indian kids face, unzips her dress and proceeds to chug half a bottle of Schweppes. The day I start drinking Schweppes without gin is the day I cut out my tongue.
4. Julia Roberts: Erin Brockovich (2000)
In a scenario that seems like a cheesy euro gangbang is about to happen, Julia Roberts got $1.5 million bucks for this shit.
5. Jodie Foster: The Accused (1988), Silence of the Lambs (1991)
A little Jodie Foster with a bunch of old farts standing on the golf course talking about Crest like it can cure AIDS.
6. Shirley MacLaine: Terms of Endearment (1983)
Have you ever heard of someone drowning their sorrows with Diet Pepsi? What about the phrase, “You don’t want a PhD in failure.” Those words spit out the mouth of Oscar-winner Shirley MacLaine at her daughter. Package that with a Martin Sheen voice over and you got one ridiculous commercial.
7. Marlee Matline: Children of a Lesser God (1986)
I’m sorry. I’m probably a monster for even including this. But the silence in this commercial is hilarious. Bunch of sign language and keyboard clacking.
8. Jane Fonda: Klute (1971), Coming Home (1978)
Jane Fonda Workouts
When everything else fails in your life — men, career, that baby you decided to throw away because it was cutting into your meth time — turn to Jane Fonda workouts.
9. Diane Keaton: Annie Hall (1977)
Hour After Hour Deodorant
Diane Keaton a young house mom hocking a deodorant brand nobody born after 1980 has ever heard of.
10. Susan Sarandon: Dead Man Walking (1995)
When will you ever see Susan Sarandon holding a skateboard in one hand and a glass of milk in the other? Never. Except in this commercial.
11. Natalie Portman: Black Swan (2010)
Lux Super Rich Shampoo (2006)
I’ve always been a fan of Natalie Portman. She’s a talented actress who is not afraid of doing both complex pieces (Black Swan) and down right raunchy comedy (Your Highness). Oh, yeah and she’s smoking fucking hot.
You don’t look like this.
Portman is not shy to putting her face and little body to a brand. She did a pretty nice commercial where she was Audrey Hepburn for Isaac Mizrahi. But the most embarressing one she has ever done comes from Japan (of course). Natalie is hocking Lux Super Rich shampoo that features her fucking sword fighting.
12. Helen Mirren: The Queen (2006)
Marks & Spencer
I love Helen Mirren. I one time accidently brushed her boob at a premiere and I went home that night wanting to write a homage piece to Helen Mirren’s left breast.
But in this ad, I’m really not sure what’s going on and what the hell is that girl doing swimming in my cocktail?
13. Kate Winslet: The Reader (2008)
Basically, this commercial is one long resume. She acts like these acting roles actually happened in her real life. Her credit card saves her. Kate Winslet’s bank account would probably save me too.
14. Reese Witherspoon: Walk the Line (2005)
Yes. Reese Witherspoon one an Academy Award. Biopics have a way of making everyone think you are doing something talented.
In this commercial, Reese tells us that AVON lipstick is vivid AND high-tech. Lipstick. High-tech. Yeah. Oooookay.
15. Elizabeth Taylor: Butterfield 8 (1960), Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966)
Elizabeth Taylor Fragrant Jewels
What is going on in this commercial? Spy? Jewels? Everyone involved in this commercial is dead. Just like you. Because you watched it.