I’M SURE SOME OF YOU OUT THERE watch tennis, play tennis, care about tennis, consider the game a time-honored tradition, respect the history, know the history.

But I don’t get it. Every year come summer, as the major sports wind down, Tennis’ marquee tournaments start cutting into my morning sportscast and I find my self watching, but rarely enjoying, the sport. I see so many ways to make it better, such as:

1. Somehow Demonstrate the Power Better

Did you know that some of these tennis players can hit the ball 120 mph? And that’s the women!

Tennis players smash those serves but it’s hard to tell sometimes because their opponents return them so often. I think they should have the two players fire balls at targets, something breakable like bottles or windows or vases and create like a shooting gallery or carnival game with points based on accuracy and damage done.

Also if some targets exploded that wouldn’t hurt.

2. Take A Page Out Of Dodgeball

It seems to me that combining tennis and dodgeball into one violent array of overhead smashes and circular welts, and people being beaned in the face by high-speed balls is a natural progression for both sports.

Imagine the pain and agony of being nailed by one of those high-powered serves. Now imagine the joy and excitement of watching others being nailed by one of those high-powered serves. It might be difficult to find willing participants, but it’ll make one hell of spectator sport.

3. Make it Full-Contact

My biggest beef with tennis—and all games involving nets that you must remain on your own side of—is that you can’t engage your opponent. It’s not physical. There’s no contact.

Wouldn’t it be better if they could tackle or hip-check each other? Or use their rackets as weapons? Maybe doubles tennis should mena one player from each team on the other teams side of the net as a defender who dishes out punishment. I’m not sure that you can make tennis full-contact without transforming the game into something unrecognisable, but maybe that’s the point.

4. Use Different Surfaces

Yeah, I know they do this already—some tournaments are played on grass and some on clay, but what about playing on ice? Or hot coals? Or trampolines? Maybe make the whole court a giant bouncy castle?

A change in surface changes the style of play, so just imagine the adjustments that would be needed to play on ice or trampolines. As it is there are grass-court specialists and clay-court specialists, so new and different surfaces will open the door for new, potentially exciting, specialists. Not to mention the increased potential for spectacular spills and injuries, generating the types of highlights that can outlive an athlete’s career—can’t imagine the players would have a problem with that.

5. Light the Ball on Fire

This is an actual thing. People do this. For fun—so they claim. It’s quite simple, really, you just take an average everyday tennis ball soak it in gasoline and spark a match. It does make lobbing the ball for a serve difficult, and requires a flame-retardant suit, but also makes everything else about the game way more awesome—some might say more fiery.

The best thing about fire tennis is that it proves conclusively that I’m not alone in thinking tennis needs to make a few tweaks to improve the game.

6. Stock the Women’s Ranks with Statuesque Eastern Europeans

Wouldn’t tennis be better played by beautiful tall blondes who look more like fashion models than athletes? Women who look like this:

Or this:

Or this:

Wouldn’t that like drastically improve the ratings and general interest in women’s tennis? Wait, this is already happening? It has raised awareness and interest in women’s tennis—and, perhaps more importantly, the prize money? Well, that’s one suggestion taken I guess, good to see they’re listening.

When can I expect the game to go full-contact?

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Bar Refaeli, We Can’t Quit You  
She’s Pretty: Tamara Ecclestone  

Turns out we should have consulted this thing called … the internet. Here’s what she says about herself on her Vimeo page:

My name is Anri aka Apricot, I was born in Hiroshima Prefecture, Japan on June 12th. I live in Tokyo, Japan. … I started modeling in 2003. My hobbies are movie appreciation, traveling, gardening vegetables, calligraphy, chopping, movies, and enjoy pop music.

“Chopping” probably means “shopping” — and if you too enjoy a bit of chopping you can do so at Anri’s store anr-anri.com, where she sells Anri Sugihara sneakers, Anri Sugihara boxer shorts, Anri Sugihara baseball caps, Anri Sugihara bandanas, and a $100 dollar-bill Anri Sugihara beach towel.

She is even on Facebook. So much for not knowing anything about these Japanese girls. Now if only we could read Japanese…

Young Animal from Anri Sugihara on Vimeo.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Wednesday Wasabi: Anri Sugihara
Wednesday Wasabi: Spring Cleaning with Japanese French Maids

1. THE 50 BEST LIFE HACKS OF ALL TIME (Complex)

2. BECAUSE IT’S THE CUP, QUOTE OF THE DAY AND LOVELY LADY OF THE DAY (Sports Illustrated)

3. SNEAKY WAYS TO EAT MORE GREENS (Huffington Post)

4. STOP EVERYTHING: THE OFFICIAL ‘ANCHORMAN 2′ TRAILER IS HERE (Brobible)

5. OLIVIA MUNN, MILEY CYRUS WANT YOU TO ‘CHANNING ALL OVER YOUR TATUM’ (Uproxx)

6. KATY PERRY LOOKS PRETTY DAMN HOT IN VOGUE (Egotastic)

7. SELENA GOMEZ, VANESSA HUDGENS NAKED FOR ‘SPRING BREAKERS’ (Celeb Jihad)

8. 9 SPORTS YOU CAN PLAY WHILE DRUNK (Guyism)

9. YET 8 MORE PHOTOS VIBRATING WITH IRONY (Buzzfeed)

10. 25 HOTTEST WOMEN OF SUMMER T.V. (Coed Magazine)

11. COLTS FAN TAYLOR RICE (Tempe 12)

12. 5 THINGS EVERYONE HATES (SCIENCE SAYS YOU SECRETLY ENJOY) (Cracked)

13. THE RIDICULOUS THINGS THAT HAPPEN THROUGH TEXTS (Bro My God)

14. 6 WAYS YOU CAN GE TA GOOD WORKOUT AT WORK (Made Man)

15. HOW TO COURT LADIES LIKE A BABOON (Gunaxin)

LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader in who gets around.

Hey TSJ,

Love the column, thanks for giving back! Y’all are like Oprah but with bikini pics. Double help!

So, here’s my dealio/problemo/sitch: I travel a lot for work (I’m a creative consultant for TV, film, and theatre companies) and so I split my time between home (Brooklyn), LA, Chicago, and Toronto. Problem is, I fall in love easy. I just love the ladies. LOVE ‘EM. Like, not just grind up on them and catch my flight, but, like, flowers and cuddling and shit. Real love. But I’ve got myself in a bit of a pickle. I’ve got ladies in all four cities, and it has become a bit overwhelming. I love them all, and can’t imagine life without any of them. But I’ve been offered an opportunity that will take me off the road and keep me in one place (Chicago) pretty much permanently. What the fuck do I do?

Thanks in advance,
Joffrey in Park Slope

MELISSA SAYS

Heya Joffrey,

If you had to pick a fave, would Chicago be your girl? Your one and only? Your one true love? If she’s like number three or four out of four, and the lady you like mostest is the Brooklyn girl, or the Canuck, then you’re def in a pickle. Because what I think you’re worried about is that Chicago will cramp your pimpin’ love machine style. And if that lifestyle is what you’re after, there’s only one way to go.

Break up with Chicago girl and get to know a lady who’s cool with being part of a bigger love fambly. Since love for you comes so easy and all.

Man, you must be tres sexy. Because love — real, flowers and cuddling and shit love — don’t come so handy to most.

Please write back and tell  me your tricks.

Meantime, happy heave-ho-ing.

Hugs!
Melissa

MIKE SAYS

Dear Joffrey,

Back in March, we had a similar question from Matt H. in LA who had fathered two children with two different women on opposing coasts. My advice to Matt was to be bold and tell both women. We never heard back from Matt, and can only assume he’s either happy or dead.

What intriguing about your “sitch” is that somehow you’ve found four women who don’t seem to mind your travel schedule or part-time lovin’. Congrats. And you’ve found a cool gig in a city we dig, so congrats again. My suggestion. Well, if it (probably) worked for Matt it could (perhaps) work for you. Be honest with these ladies. Suggest a mormon/commune/poly-type set up in a nice loft in Chicago. Odds suggest at least two of these ladies will be into it.

Don’t underestimate these women, Joffrey. I think they’re progressive attitudes may lead to a liftetime of bliss. Or a Lifetime movie of the week: Double Polygamy in Chi-town!

Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away.
If we use it… your life will improve immediately. 

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Who’s Hotter? Gillian Anderson or David Duchovny?
I Hired a Warlock to Bring Back My Ex, But–
Ask TSJ: Do I Got to Tell Her I’m Not Into Jesus?

REMEMBER THE TIME we used to connect our giant computers to the telephone and dial up some Internet just to get connected only to be disconnected minutes later when your mom picked up the phone? It’s amazing that we even sat through those five, sometimes even ten, long, insufferable minutes to get online but back in those days, we had patience because we had no other choice.

Now, with high speed Internet, sometimes for free if your neighbor doesn’t know how to put his WIFI on lockdown, patience is in short order. Studies show that if a video doesn’t start up within 15 seconds, we go clicking on to the next thing. So it comes as no surprise that movies condensed in 60 seconds would appeal to us instant-gratificationites. Because who needs to waste time with with ‘plot development’ and knowing the characters?  Just tell us the story so we can go look at more cat memes and porn already.  Jeesh.

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

BACK TO THE FUTURE

ALIENS

MATRIX

FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS

STAR WARS IV: A NEW HOPE

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The 6 Most Irritating Misquotes in History 

EVERY DEDICATED GAMER knows certain levels or bosses are so maddeningly difficult they reduce you to a controller-smashing rage-a-holic. But some are so difficult that they are actually impossible, or seems so as no one you know or have ever heard of have beat them, they are the Unbeatables. Here’s a look at some of the more notorious ones:

1. Pac-Man

In the early days of arcades, there were more than a couple of games which, usually due to coding errors or oversights, would eventually crash if you reach a certain level of number of points. Two of the most famous of these games would freeze on a so-called a “kill screen.”

The most famous of which is probably Pac-Man, even if most gamers have only seen photos of it. Due to the 8-bit nature of the original Pac-Man, its level-counter could only hold 256 values (0-255) so if—that’s a big IF—you made it too level 256, you crashed the game, leaving it frozen on the kill screen. Which is about a good a beating as one can give a arcade game though far less satisfying then actually beating a game and reaching an end screen.

2. Donkey Kong

The original Donkey Kong arcade, which introduced the world to our beloved Mario, had a glitch that was similar to the kill screen, only more annoying.

A coding error in the algorithm determined the amount of time a player got on any given screen, and this led to a situation in which the player would have only 7 seconds to beat level 22 (screen 117), a feat that is impossible.

In fact, it is not possible to get above the second girder in the allotted time. The screen however, does not crash, so you are forced into playing out your remaining lives as the unbeatable level restarts and times you out, eventually causing you to lose the game. And even if that loss is really just a technicality—you’ve gone as far as anyone can—it’s still a bitch to lose.

3. Ghosts and Goblins

In this classic, you’re a knight names Arthur who must fight his way to a castle to save a princess—where have I heard that before? Only unlike some other princess- saving quests, Ghosts and Goblins was rage inducing not joy inducing. One hit and your armor was gone, leaving you running around in your underwear—literally—waiting to be hit again and killed. A death that would—since the idea of checkpoints hadn’t occurred to anyone yet—send the player to the start of the level.

Many things about this game were sadistic, but two of the worst were the spastic movements of enemies you were trying to hit and the fact that when you jumped you had to respect the laws of physics and not turn around in midair—like some other, more enjoyable, princess-saving games allowed for.

4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

This game is a bitch!

The first of many games based on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may have been a commercial success and named game of the year by Nintendo Power but it is hands-down one of the most infuriating games ever. Available on NES and PC, each with their own fatal flaw, the NES version had no save function so it was a one-sitting completion or bust, while the PC version had a level which could not be beat, literally.

Whenever you tried to jump a particular gap you would hit you head and land in the sewer—which would kill you.

There was so much hype around this game, so much excitement before playing that was all lost after the first couple of hours or replaying that first water level—it’s amazing this game didn’t kill the whole TMNT franchise.

5. Battletoads

Battletoads may be the most notoriously impossible game of all time.

Thousands of gamers have fond memories of playing Battletoads but few if any can claim to have beat it. And the worst part is the game was pretty innovative and fun up to a point. The hoverbike level gets most players everytime, there’s just too many obstacles to dodge—over 100—and they come almost too fast—the level is only about 2 minutes long.

And if you did manage to beat the hoverbike, you advance to the surfing level and basically have to do the whole thing over again, only with more obstacles and at a higher speed. If you love platformers and you’ve never played, it’s worth checking out just to see if you have the rarefied reaction time to actually beat it—but you won’t.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Ask TSJ: “World of Warcraft” Sex?    
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5 Signs You’re a Video Game Addict 

 

Unable to bear the thought of having to spend an entire week waiting for it to end, we thought we’d ask all the fun and sexy girls who pose for us to help bring you a new day to celebrate Playboy models at the beginning of the week. That’s right. We love you like that. We dubbed our day: #TuesdayTease. 

We’re proud to bring the brand new weekly feature, #TuesdayTease, where our Cybergirls, Playmates, and Playboy’s hottest fans tweet out their sexiest selfies for your viewing pleasure.

TUESDAY TEASER

Wanna take part? You just have to tweet your photo to @PlayboyDotCom with the hashtag #TuesdayTease and we’ll post your sexy pics right here.

We’re all doing our part to make the world a better place, after all.

Happy #TuesdayTease!

CLICK HERE TO ACCESS THE FULL GALLERY 

CLICK HERE TO ACCESS THE FULL GALLERY 

Alyssa Arce, an experienced model who’s already appeared in fashion magazines and the like, will be Playboy’s July 2013 Playmate.

And we just have to say — having a style can be a good thing. It’s nice to be dependable. A lot of the time, people like to know what they’re going to get. But the behind-the-scenes pictures Alyssa has sent out over the Instagram from her Playmate shoot look unlike anything we’ve seen in the Playmate space in recent history. A style is nice. But change is good.

It was a dusty, sunny day at the Willow Springs race track, outside of Los Angeles. There was a very hot girl (Alyssa) wearing leather jackets, jumpsuits, mirror shades, an Evel Knievel-ish star-spangled helmet, and posing with a 1987 Ferrari. This looks very hot to us. The photos were taken by Sasha Eisenman. For a little more info and a couple more pictures, visit the Playboy Blog.

Check out the pictures in this gallery — the first 12 or so are from her shoot day. There’s also a video below that is about a year old and is more proof of her super hotness.

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This is a collection of 15 great stories from some of our favorite sites around the web. Those of us in the industry call it a “link dump.” We call it “Morning Dump” because it’s early and we’re immature. Click the pics to read each article.

1. THE COOLEST VIDEO GAME PRINT ADS OF THE LAST 25 YEARS (Complex)

2. THROUGH THE LEGS SPINNING OVERHEAD SHOT AND LOVELY LADY OF THE DAY (Sports Illustrated)

3. EDWARD SNOWDEN: “I’M NOT A SPY” (Huffington Post)

4. AN ODE TO THE OPEN BAR (Brobible)

5. THIS GIRL’S YEARBOOK QUOTE IS COOLER THAN YOURS WILL EVER BE (Uproxx)

6. PAIGE BUTCHER BIKINI PICTURES (Egotastic)

7. KELLY BROOK TOPLESS BEACH CANDIDS (Celeb Jihad)

8. MAN TEXTS ‘I NEED TO QUIT TEXTING,’ ALMOST DIES IN TEXTING-RELATED ACCIDENT (Guyism)

9. OBAMA DEFENDS NSA SPYING (Buzzfeed)

10. 9 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW COULD CURE BAD BREATH (Coed Magazine)

11. DOMIMINQUE IS A DIEHARD 49ERS FAN (Tempe 12)

12. 5 AMAZING THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW BABIES COULD DO (Cracked)

13. HOTTIE OF THE WEEK: ALEAH JASMINE (Bro My God)

14. SO MUCH FOR SUPER “FRIENDS” (Made Man)

15. UNREAL MOVIE REVIEW: MAN OF STEEL (Unreality)

TSJ ROUNDS UP 10 OF THE HOTTEST LADY LINKS FROM SOME OF OUR FAVORITE SITES AROUND THE WEB. Click the pics to access each gallery.

1. EVEN CAMERON DIAZ COVERS UP NEXT TO KATE UPTON (Complex)

2. THE LATEST SELFIE TREND: THE CAR SELFIE (Bro My God)

3. NINA AGDAL AND ARIEL MEREDITH ALSO HAVE BODY PAINT (Brobible)

4. ALICE GOODWIN TOPLESS TRIBUTES (Egotastic)

5. THE HOTTEST GIRLS OF G4 T.V. (Celeb Jihad)

6. REAL LIFE WITH CATIE PARKER *NSFW (Sexy and Funny)

7. 100 BEST NFL CHEERLEADER SWIMSUIT PICS (Busted Coverage)

8. WHAT DOES GINA VAIA LOOK FOR IN A GUY? (Tempe 12)

9. THE GORGEOUS GIRLS OF MISS USA 2013: BIKINI EDITION (Coed Magazine)

10. MAXIM SATURDAYS AT TAO BEACH TAKES YOU BACK TO SUMMER CAMP (Maxim)

TwitPic Theater is a collection of the sexiest pictures posted by Playmates and Playboy models from the week. Take a peek into the sexy lives of the girls at photo shoots, on nights out, and more.

Follow the girls on Twitter and see what goes on behind-the-scenes 24/7, all friendly-like. 

@JessaHinton and @Ciara_Price suit up

@NikkiLeighxo gives some sideboob

@Jaclyn_Swedberg vamps it in fuschia

@crystalhefner remembers to smell the roses

@JessicaBurciaga shooting for DOLL Swimwear at Laguna Beach

@FrancescaFrigo looks amazing sitting in a car

@hiromioshima is perfection, lounging

@RaquelPomplun and @MissAudreyAllen run off to Disneyland!

Good times at the Playboy Jazz Fest!

@MsAnnetteWhite spells it out for us

@TheMissKristen could be a goddess

Everyone’s got some bad habits — the trick is learning how to hide them long enough so your dates don’t end up in disaster. Let her see you for the gentleman you hope to be down the road by following these five simple tips…

1. INTOXICATION

This isn’t a late night dance party with your buddies where you are safe in the “no judgment, because we won’t remember it tomorrow either” zone. She’ll remember, so make sure you eat a pre-date meal to soak up that Old Fashioned you’ll be sipping on all night Don Draper style.

2. SMOKING

Fifty-three percent of people surveyed, like on the PLANET, say they would not date a smoker. That’s a lot of humans.

Improve your dating odds by cutting back on cigarettes before, during and after your first date. Don’t panic, tobacco comes in all shapes and sizes – try using Camel SNUS, a discreet smokeless, odorless and no-need-to-spit option for smokers. She’ll never know you’re “snusing.”

Let’s face it, you may think you come across as smooth as Robert De Niro in Goodfellas when you light up at a bar, but your date might think otherwise. “You talkin’ to me?” – said your unimpressed date after you blow a ring of smoke in her face.

3. STARING AT OTHER WOMEN

So you are on your first date, but you can’t stop staring at all the other available single ladies in the bar. Solution? Sunglasses, at night. Sure you look like an idiot, but at least you’re a gentleman.

4. DRESS CODE

Coming across as trying too hard is never good, but that’s no excuse to look like you just woke up from sleeping on your buddy’s sofa either. Fashion is subjective, but a bad smell resonating from your unwashed lucky “100 percent guaranteed to get you laid in college” T-shirt is not. Bottom line, trying to look your best is much appreciated by the ladies.

5. EGO

You may be eager to impress on your first date, but be sure to check your ego at the door. No one wants to listen to you ramble on about your life’s drama. Ask questions, LOTS of questions.

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Virgin, homophobic, Christian fundamentalist, generally phobic NFL quarterback Tim Tebow has signed with the New England Patriots after a failed season with the New York Jets. Tebow, a college superstar at Florida, and a reasonable success in Denver with the Broncos, has a build and skill set that doesn’t sit well with the pro football establishment. His throwing motion is awkward. His build is more derivative of a tightend or a QB in a Madea suit. he gets more attention than a third rate NFLer should. But, alas, Tebow is a headline in waiting, and will always get a chance. So, here at Headshots, we’re going to make things right.

Here’s how to fix his career: Heavy amounts of fucking.

I’ve made this argument before, on national television no less, that pro football quarterbacks can’t be virgins. Well, maybe in the CFL. But, for the most part, professional athletes need to revel in sexual awareness, and usually promiscuity, in order to be a success. Athletes renowned for fierce sexual appetites have graced the sports pages for as long as there were sports pages: Babe Ruth, Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, Alex Rodriguez, every NFL linebacker ever, the list goes on. Oddly, very few hockey players, but we imagine that has to do with the difficulties of getting laid if you’re a toothless Canadian no one has ever heard of.

So, in order to fix his herky-jerky throwing motion, and give him a chance at NFL stardom, Headshots suggests five modes of laidness (laiditude? laying? layvishness?) for Tim Tebow to correct his lacking football prowess.

1. Gold Ole Christian Hetero Lovin’ 

This will be the easiest for Tebow to adapt to. Heterosexual Christian intercourse is as close as you can get to virginity while still poppin’ cherries.

Heterosexual Christian intercourse allows for sexual activity only in certain instances: Wedding night, procreation, and Super Bowl wins. All Timmy Blue Balls needs to do is find a nice lady, marry her, retreat to the honeymoon suite at the Hilton, get little Timmy to run a slant pattern into Mrs. Tebow’s red zone, drop off his pass, and TOUCHDOWN! Suddenly, Tebow will be able to hit receivers and read defenses like Aaron Rodgers on Ativan.

Yay Christianity! Yay intercourse! Yay ejaculation!

2. Homosexual Experimentation

In the wake of the brave and admirable coming out of NBA center Jason Collins, it’s apparent that North American pro sport is (finally) ready to join the twentieth (that’s right, two decades slow) century. What we need post-Collins is a player in the spotlight to admit his homosexuality. Enter Tebow. If Tebow’s a virgin, how does he really know if he likes boys or girls. I didn’t know I was straight until I loved up on Evelyn Anderson in the back of my parents’ Honda Civic Wagovan in grade 10. Plus, you know, Tebow has spent most of his life “under center”.

Maybe a man is just what Tim Tim needs to get his throwing motion fluid. Is that a euphemism?

Probably.

3. Greedy Bisexuality 

Tebow seems to like having it all. A worshipped athlete from a young age, Timmy is used to opulence: NCAA championship, Heisman, 1st round NFL pick, playoff upset over the Pittsburgh Steelers, and awards and ribbons and trophies to fill three sets of parents’ basements. And in terms of sexuality, what is more opulent, greedy, trophy-like than bisexuality.

Bisexuals can enter any room and just think, “Let’s get us some!” Tebow could not only cure his football woes, achieve the successes he so desperately desires, and make all other players look like prudes, but he could also get a shittone of action. The interns, including our newest addition “Stu”, voted heavily in favor of this option, and even volunteered to make it a reality in a Days Inn in Jacksonville.

4. Getting’ Down on a Kardashian 

This is the TMZ route. The pop culture icon route. The Dancing with the Stars season 21 option. Tebow would just need to head out to Bruce Jenner’s talentless fembot farm in California, and chose him and Kardashian or Jenner or whatever bikini candid stars they’re growing for US magazine.

He’d be back on the front pages of every rag mag in the USA. He’d be the opening segment of every news cast from Anderson Cooper to Wolf Blitzer. Barbara Walters would do a special. And, most importantly, those girls get them some. Tebow’d be able to audible at the line of scrimmage and hit a receiver in triple coverage on and out pattern in his sleep after a round with a Jenndashian.

5. The Weird Go Pro 

The phrase Headshots has employed most commonly is from the late, great Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” In the context of Tebow and the fact he’s never ejaculated into a real live being, and as such throwing a football like an angry Thalidomide baby, we’re going to flip Thompson’s salve on its head.

The pro needs to turn weird. Tebow’s gotta go on a sexual field trip that’ll shame Lionel Hutz and get Madonna working on a second book. Tebow’s gotta Te-bag everything that’s legal and consenting. And video tape it. And have Swedish midgets involved. And electric eels. And a Masai dude with a sword who narrates the nasty in a Scottish accent. And then Tebow puts it on the Internet for free. And then he wins a Super Bowl and the MVP.

But, most importantly, he’ll have gotten laid.

  FOLLOW MIKE SPRY ON TWITTER!

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Yet in some of these catalog shots you’ll see that Victoria’s Secret is using just half of Erin Heatheton and Adrina Lima’s available parts! In several pictures, they’re wearing panties — but no bra! That’s like owning two billboards and just leaving one of them blank. If Victoria’s Secret hired a consultant to do a cost-benefit analysis the first thing he or she would say is Get some bras on those girls. Goddamnit we’ve got crates full of bras here and they’re not all getting into the catalog. What is this artsy-fartsy peekaboo no-top crap. We are paying these fancy girls to model bras AND panties and I wanna see bras AND panties in every goddamn shot.

Clearly this consultant is a jerk, and we don’t need his/her advice. This topless approach to lingerie modeling works just fine for us.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Adriana Lima Isn’t Having Any of That
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This is a collection of 15 great stories from some of our favorite sites around the web. Those of us in the industry call it a “link dump.” We call it “Morning Dump” because it’s early and we’re immature. Click the pics to read each article.

1. THE 50 FUNNIEST COMEDIANS ON TWITTER (Complex)

2. WE HAVE A SERIES, IT’S GOOD TO BE TOP DOG AND LOVELY LADY OF THE DAY (Sports Illustrated)

3. 12 REASONS TO STOP MULTITASKING (Huffington Post)

4. 10 THINGS A GUY SHOULD KNOW WHEN TRAVELING TO NASHVILLE (Brobible)

5. PATTON OSWALT’S ‘ CLOSED LETTER TO MYSELF’ ON THIEVERY, HECKLERS AND RAPE JOKES (Uproxx)

6. VANESSA HUDGENS IN A HOT BRA AND PANTIES (Egotastic)

7. EMMA WATSON GETS FINGERED (Celeb Jihad)

8. 14 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MEET ON TWITTER (Guyism)

9. 12 CHARACTERS FROM OUR CHILDHOOD THAT WERE TOTALLY A LITTLE QUEER (Buzzfeed)

10. REALLY BAD DADS (Coed Magazine)

11. BLONDE BOMBSHELL DIOR SERRA (Tempe 12)

12. 5 TERRIBLE LESSONS WE LEARNED FROM SUPERMAN MOVIES (Cracked)

13. BIKINIS MAKE THE WORLD GO AROUND (Bro My God)

14. 11 BIKE COMMUTING MUST-HAVES (Made Man)

15. 20 INSANE SPORTS ITEMS TO BLOW YOUR $600 MILLION POWERBALL JACKPOT (Busted Coverage)

Every Sunday, TSJ rounds up some of Playboy Plus’ heavy hitters and brings them back over to you. We want you to see the world through rose-colored glasses. Ponies. Rainbows. Girls with long hair who aren’t shy. You’re welcome.

CYBERGIRL VERONICA LAVERY IS AWESOMESAUCE

 See more of Veronica HERE. 

AMATEUR MYA BARRYMORE IS SMOKIN’ HOT

See more of Mya HERE.

CYBERGIRL KIMBERLY KISSELOVICH HAS ARRIVED

See more Kimberly HERE. 

 

We live for this shit. Let’s not beat around the bush about that. We LIVE for the hilarious shit that goes down all over our feeds every day. (Maybe especially Mondays.) And this week the video crazy was at red alert. We got nutters and hooters and potty-mouthed entitled chicks at the Dunkin’. We got nudity and grave robbers. That’s why we called this week red alert. We got the gamut. It wasn’t just kittens. No sirree.

Here are our four favorite moments of Internet insanity the week threw up at us.

FLORIDA’S ASSHOLE DUNKIN’ DONUTS CUSTOMER 

This girl. Her name is Taylor Chapman and she was on one motherfuggin’ entitled mission at the donut shop last weekend.

NAKED GYMNASTICS MAN AT SUBWAY STATION 

Our question is this: How do you get to the subway station with no clothes on to begin with? Like did dude leave the house with no pants on? Or did he stealth-ditch them someplace on the way?

Turns out Mr. Scary Acrobatic on the Turnstiles Nekkid here’s a carnie who freaked out. Huh. Who’d have thunk? Everybody? Yeah. So. Anyway. Nekkid acrobat!

EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING

This is strangely satisfying. We don’t know why. Sometimes the Internet is mysterious like that.

GRAVE ROBBING? HUH 

The Elvis-lovin’ tanning addict sometimes model, Trisha “Grindhouse Barbie” Paytas maybe doesn’t know that much about necrophilia, but it’s cute how she tries to have it? Sorta cute. Funny? WTF? Mostly it’s WTF.

So yeah. NSA. Spyware. Google. The government. Barack Obama’s all up in your emails and Jesse Eisenberg’s down your pants now. And according to The Economist, the time to do anything about you showing your ass to any and all Earthlings and their pet parrots is a ship that sailed like around the time Nirvana collapsed. We’re bugged. We’re fucked. Heya privacy, nice to know you back in ye olde nineties. That was a good party.

Welcome to the new frontier, chumps.

As we type this, wealthy dweebs in California are slurping their Google food from their twirly straws and shitting their Google shits into their Google blankets and poring over every word in case we write porn, or war, or MILF, or whatever. Is there a targeted MILF ad by your browser now? Of course there is. But that’s your fault. Anyway.

What we’re trying to get at is the fact that no one ever talks about the good side of all this loss of privacy. Like, for one, knowing what kind of business people are letting get up all over their business. How much boning is going around?

We want to know.

Like, for posterity. For science. If we’re gonna up and martyr our unique selves to the technocrats of the world the least we can get is some deets on how much action people are seeing, right?

Okay, fine. Here it is. It’s been coughed up. It’s a sex infographic based on Internet trends.

We got your sex spying back, yo.

That’s why we’re your girlfriend.

TSJ ROUNDS UP 10 OF THE HOTTEST LADY LINKS FROM SOME OF OUR FAVORITE SITES AROUND THE WEB. Click the pics to access each gallery.

1. ANNE VYALITSYNA OWNS THE BEACH IN ELLE (Complex)

2. ILKNUR MELIS DURASI IS A TURKISH HOTTIE (Bro My God)

3. THE LOVELY ELENA HOSK (Brobible)

4. JODIE GASSON TOPLESS PICTURES (Egotastic)

5. THE WOMEN OF STEEL (Gunaxin)

6. SARA RANDALL’S BAYWATCH TRAINING *NSFW (Sexy and Funny)

7. STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS GIRLFRIENDS: LINDSEY VECCHIONE (Busted Coverage)

8. WHAT IS LIZ WHITNEY’S FAVORITE FOOD (Tempe 12)

9. KATE UPTON’S ITSY BITSY WHITE BIKINI (Coed Magazine)

10. GIRLS GETTING READY (Maxim)

We started out the show today by checking out what the NSA spying program has from Andrea’s phone! It’s a gold mine of nudity, seriously.

We also talked on the phone with Mr. Skin (as we do every Thursday), and he had a lot of naked bombs to drop on us this week. Game of Thrones won’t be on for another nine months, so we’ll have to say goodbye to many sets of wonderful breasts. An old film from the thirties features a previously undiscovered Gretta Garbo nip slip! And finally, check out Mr. Skin’s website to check out his 69 weirdest movie nudity scenes. If the first few are any indication, it’s gonna be a trip and a half. We will still miss Game of Thrones the most, though.

From there, we talked on the phone with jilted Playboy Robot, who was none too happy about being bumped from the show yesterday. So, do as the robot says and send us your intro on our twitter feed, and you could be on TV! Your mom will be so proud.

We also Sex-i-fied another dad’s tie, and got a summer straw slurping tip from our sun goddess, Erika.

Our guest today was none other than B-Real, the famous rapper from the group Cypress Hill, to talk about their upcoming tour with 311and his television station breal.tv.

We also brought in 4 sexy ladies by the names of Canon, Dani, Jade, and Lindsey to play a game we like to call “B-Real… or Be Fake?” In this game, we had these four lovely ladies get in varying degrees of nudity and guess which breasts were all natural, and which were “enhanced.” In the end, they were all enhanced! And there’s nothing wrong with that.