AS YOU’VE PROBABLY HEARD from various news outlets and nerds across the Internet, J. J. Abrams will be directing the first of a whole slew of new Star Wars movies. The move was a surprise to everyone except those who thought Abrams’ Star Trek was a better Star Wars film than all three of the prequels put together.

One major plus going for it: It had none of this.

Yes, Star Trek shared so many similarities with Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope that it wouldn’t surprise us one bit if this was the main reason Abrams was chosen to direct Star Wars VII. Does this mean we should expect Star Trek Into Darkness to be as awesome as The Empire Strikes Back? It’s tough to say since Abrams already used that whole ice planet thing in the previous movie.

Oh, don’t look so surprised.

Fortunately, there’s plenty of other Empire hallmarks that Abrams could and probably already borrowed  for Star Trek Into Darkness. Among them…

5. The film is already a whole lot darker

Pretty much everyone saw this coming, and not just because of J. J. Abrams’ overuse of lens flare in Star Trek.

However, it probably surprised some people that the next Star Trek would be so dark that Abrams flat out titled it Into Darkness. That is… unless you consider how The Empire Strikes Back was a pretty straightforward title. Ditto for Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, which came out two years after Empire more or less rewrote the book on how sequels are made.

Rule #1: More acting lessons!

In short, Abrams didn’t have a choice: This film had to be really, really dark because it’s the only way the audience will be interested enough to stick around for another sequel.

Unless, of course, Uhura spends the first half-hour of Star Trek 3 in this.

4. Home will not be safe

This one should not be too surprising based on what we’ve already seen in the trailers. Hell, in some cases, the writing is on the wall.

Translation: “Earth gets fucked.”

So, Earth takes one for the team in Star Trek into Darkness. What does this have to do with Empire? Quite a lot, actually. For starters, Luke Skywalker could not have been any more out of his element than when he was on Hoth. The dude grew up on a desert. So, how does he fare against an ice planet? In short, not well.

Pwn3d.

Also, since the Rebels are forced to flee Echo Base after it is epically smashed by AT-ATs, our heroes didn’t really have any safe spots where they could relax and catch their breath. Be it a swamp, an asteroid, or a floating casino, danger was lurking around every corner. And why? Because it makes for good storytelling. It keeps our heroes on the run in unfriendly territory with danger lurking around every corner, be it in a swamp, an asteroid field, or onboard a floating casino.

In short, Earth is fucked. As are our heroes.

RT if you can totally picture Spock saying “approximately 3720 to 1” in this scene.

3. A persuasive villain steals the show

We knew this was happening the moment they cast Sherlock as… whoever he’s supposed to be in this movie.

However, the truth is Star Trek Into Darkness required a charismatic villain because Eric Bana’s Nero was about as one-dimensional as villains get in science-fiction. If they tried the same things twice, it would have been a major strike against the sequel. Don’t believe us? Imagine how The Empire Strikes Back would have fared if Vader spent the entire movie standing behind some bad guy in a uniform.

The Empire strikes back… while Vader watches.

Star Trek Into Darkness has shown us every sign of following the same path. As such, the big question is not “if” but how Benedict Cumberbatch will own every inch of this movie…

Especially while wearing a rain poncho.

So, who is he playing? What is his secret? How interesting of you to ask…

2. There will be a major twist

J. J. Abrams is too big a Star Wars nerd to pass this up. There will be a major twist in Star Trek Into Darkness. There has to be.

“I am your father.”

So, how will it happen? What will the big twist be? We imagine a quick trip to Google will provide you with whatever spoilers you’re looking for. That is, unless Star Trek Into Darkness is plagued with the same predicament that forced Han Solo to get frozen in carbonite. Specifically…

A gambling debt?

1. Nobody knows what to expect from the sequel

Han Solo’s carbonite vacation may be one of the most iconic moments in motion picture history, but the truth is the main reason he was put on ice was because nobody knew if Harrison Ford would be sticking around for Return of the Jedi. As a result, not only could The Empire Strikes Back have become a completely different movie retroactively—say, though Han dying in hibernation in Jedi—but this may explain the rather odd choice of costume Lando wore at the end of Empire.

What if he’s not really wearing Han’s clothes, but clothes Han found on the Falcon after he won it from Lando???

As such, if J. J. Abrams ends Star Trek Into Darkness with a cliffhanger, odds are he will not be the person to iron out the details in Star Trek 3. Abrams is not expected to direct the next Star Trek, which could completely transform Star Trek Into Darkness in retrospect. Don’t believe us? Imagine how different X-Men: The Last Stand would have been if Bryan Singer did not quit to direct Superman Returns. Or how much more satisfying the ending of Aliens would be if we didn’t know how many survivors were going to die in the first few minutes of Alien 3. Or how disappointing the Joker’s last words to Batman are in The Dark Knight due to Heath Ledger’s death demolishing whatever Christopher Nolan originally had in store for the character.

Or how much better the world would be if this movie never existed.

In short, no matter how good Star Trek Into Darkness turns out to be, all we need is someone to reveal in Star Trek 3 that Spock and Uhura are siblings for us to never look at the first two films the same again.

Hey, it has happened.

Follow Jacopo della Quercia on Twitter!

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The Billboard music awards aired this past weekend and everything went down as expected. Pop stars showed up, sunglasses were worn indoors and giant light shows were performed onstage with some music thrown in for good measure. It was show-business-as-usual for Billboard and with “the usual” comes sexy performances by female pop stars, which seems to be a prerequisite for every music award show. A little ass, a lot of leg and some cleavage really goes a long way, especially when the vocals are lacking because who cares about how they sound, did you check out that side boob?!?!

Here’s five sexy performances from the Billboard Music awards this past weekend you might have missed (or want to relive again with some lotion and a sock).

SELENA GOMEZ – COME AND GET IT

TAYLOR SWIFT – 22

JENNIFER LOPEZ – LIVE IT UP

NICKI MINAJ – HIGH SCHOOL

213519223415 by YardieGoals

ICONA POP – I LOVE IT

DEEP INSIDE OF EVERY ONE OF US lies a savage, drooling beast, with a wicked disposition and cocaine jitters, ultimately on a seek-and-destroy thrill mission to pounce, hump and devour every gruesome opportunity that presents itself with legs wide open.

This fearsome ghoul in which we speak is the societal equivalent of a deranged animal; a sex crazed war dog with seven flaming erections, a foul case of whiskey breath and the devilish capacity to force innocent men with highly distinguished moral fiber into some of the most unspeakable, sexually depraved acts ever committed by the sub-human race.

You should be warned that it is summertime that awakens this fiendish monstrosity and all of its rotten intentions. This because that filthy bastard and its throbbing red rocket have been confined to celibate dormancy all winter long, impatiently waiting to catch the first pussy-steaming whiff of mating season in hopes of gnawing on the backs of anything with a wet spot and very little will to fight back.

It is for this very reason that regardless of how disgusted you are destined to become with your actions, you are doomed to engage in some morally incomprehensible sexual practices over the summer. You simply will not be able to help yourself; you are teetering on a loathsome genetic defect, just like the rest of us, being led on a pornographic hunting expedition by a ghastly deity that permits no standards. In other words, you’re only human and you’re bound to do some fucked up shit.

So, through some painful research, a little personal reflection and a nasty case of the jungle clap, we have compiled a list of the most sexually depraved acts that have the most likelihood of being committed this summer by you twisted imbeciles. And while a few of these may seem a bit far-fetched to those men who subscribe to life through the eyes of the missionary position, rest assured the moment will come when you too will join the ranks of the sleazy bastard.

1. Cougar Antics and the Sugar Momma Sweet Tooth: Losing Your Ass Virginity to a Dildo

Many of you will be carted off to your graves without ever once experiencing anal penetration deeper than the slip of your finger through cheap toilet paper or a slightly over-zealous prostate exam. However, the chances of a man losing his ass virginity are greatly increased once he succumbs to the sadistic temptations of a summer fling with a woman twice his age.

The reality is, every straight man on the face of the planet has an insatiable desire to hook up with at least one sugar momma in his lifetime as a means for fulfilling that teenage fantasy of having an exuberant amount of wild-eyed cougar sex while getting the rent paid by someone other than his own mother.

The downside to these boner aspirations is that most women who possess the social attributes of the proverbial sugar momma have traveled a long, dark road full of loveless marriage, sexual frustration and abuse. Ultimately, these life events have shifted and transformed these Stepford Wives into sex-starved banshees who want nothing more than to perform mad science sex rituals with strapping, young lads in hopes of finally obtaining the orgasm they’ve been trying to achieve for decades.

And while the thought of pounding it out on the regular with an experienced cougar, blessed with a voracious appetite for getting her who-ha greased may sound quite appealing, you had better believe she has intentions of doing a little greasing of her own. That’s because a sugar momma expects a certain level of submissiveness in exchange for financing a man’s lazy existence, and some of the more aggressive of the breed will even attempt to do a little colon bowling by sneaking a seven-inch jelly dong in to the mix.

Now, you can say that you’re not the type of guy that will tolerate a woman bouncing a rubber dildo around in your sphincter all you want. The fact is, you have a sugar momma sweet tooth and not only are you likely to endure this level of sexual depravity, you will probably grin and bare it more than once. Yet, chances are you will never utter a word of this madness to any of your friends and each time you find yourself immersed in a group antic dote about the perils of prison sex, you may laugh — but you always get a slight stomach-ache.

2. Prosthetic Lust and the One Night Love Affair: Sloppy Sex with a Beer-Bellied Mutant

You wish we meant this kind of mutant.

In the despicable clutches of enough hard liquor and desperation, every man with at least a four-inch pecker comes disgustingly equipped with enough shit lust to channel the loathsome sexual depravity of a rabid centaur. And with a full-blown junkie diet of cheap booze, spoiled meat and blood curdling orgasms, this ornery, sweaty beast will suck on and ravage the darkest sewers of the small town American tavern in order to satisfy his most basic urges — even if that means gutter-humping a beer-bellied mutant.

Now, some of you may scoff at the idea that inside you lives a sinister creature waiting for those supposed standards of yours to drop the leashes long enough for it to tattoo its cloven hooves on the scoliosis-infected backs of barstool gargoyles, cigar smoking midgets and double amputees that reek of cigarettes and muscle cream. But make no mistake about it, at some point this summer, you will find yourself in a position where the only available sexual prospect at last call is the lady sitting at the bar with a bulging beer gut, stained false teeth or a Goodwill wig.

However, even though you may be drunk enough to convince this foul breathed mongrel to take you back to her cave, you will likely find it extremely difficult to look passed her god given indiscretions in order to get to first base. Yet, after sucking down several shots of the Wild Irish Rose she had been saving for a special occasion while listening to her ramble on about her freakishly bizarre collection of antique sewing thimbles, you will have somehow found a way to summon enough daredevil guts to venture into this wicked suicide mission.

It’s in the bedroom where this rotten conquest will shift from an onset of horny desperation to life altering sexual depravity. Because no matter how much you lobby for the lights to be shut off, the wildebeest in the room will be afraid of the dark. And while you sit idle as your stomach churns at the displeasing flavors of baby powder, Oil of Olay and Marlboros lingering in the back of your throat from being tonsil lashed by her tar-drenched, forked tongue, she will light just enough candles around the room to ensure you catch a blinding glimpse of her mutated, naked body.

Yet as long as you are able to hold back the vomit after she half embarrassingly admits to being on her period, you will be able to move passed the lump dangling in the back of your throat to squeamishly remove her tampon and embark on one of the most sadistic journeys of your entire life.

If you’re lucky, the whole disgusting affair will begin and end with a super sloppy blowjob that will simply leave your boner smelling like cheap whiskey and denture cream, but don’t hold your breath. On second thought, you had better hold your breath — this trip is bound to move from the depraved to the disgusting without much warning.

Again, while you may think you are not capable of such sexual depravity, you just might find the summer holds a wealth of sickening surprises.

3. Budget Hump and the Bare Boner Circus: Unprotected Sex With an Illegal Prostitute

Alas, the summer of the sleazy bastard would not be complete without throwing away all of those years spent at Catholic school on a perverse drug-fueled romp in a cut-rate motel with an illegal prostitute.

That’s right – nothing rings in the sweltering heat of the summer months quite like blowing a wad of hard-earned cash on a pitbull-faced hooker who isn’t quite caught up on all of her shots. The thing is, not every would be John with a deviant thirst for a no holds bared sexual encounter has enough financial security or stable line of credit to afford the disease free amenities of Nevada’s legal brothels. Of course, this is when that deviant, horny bastard will go out and scour the planet for a lethal dose of budget, no latex sex – hence, pure, unadulterated depravity is born.

That’s because these days the common street-walking hooker is more interested in cocaine currencies than those printed by the Federal Reserve. Not only that, but when the battle of the red light bitch district ensues, the budget hooker will indiscriminately suck and fuck more than her fair share of diseased degenerates along the city’s back alleyways for random hits of crack and the occasional ten spot. Incidentally, these types of gutter-sex tactics do not have the reputation for producing the most sanitary hooker-holes on the retail sex market, and should probably be avoided at all cost.

Be that as it may, we have reason to believe that some of you nipple-biting sex fiends out there will take it upon themselves this summer to make a cameo performance in the bare boner sex circus with a unlicensed orifice of the illegal sex trade – shame on you.

Whatever level of sexual depravity you choose to get into this summer; remember this, just because sex makes us a little sick sometimes doesn’t mean that it’s all bad. After all, regardless if you are bumping uglies with a girl that looks like Raquel Pomplun or a 4-foot 5-inch midget with a colostomy bag, it’s all still just random acts of love — and how can that be all bad?

So, go ahead and set up an appointment with a qualified therapist, be sure to stock up on barf bags and most importantly, prepare to have one hell of a summer – because the truth is, you sleazy bastards deserve it!

Follow Mike Adams on Twitter @adamssoup

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Now we’ve got the two of them again shot, on separate occasions, by Cherie Roberts of IHeartGirls.com. Are they friends in real life? Have they ever met? Do they hang out in their PJs brushing each other’s hair on a Friday night? We have no idea. But Cherie is a hot model-turned-photographer, and she knows sexy when she sees it. Of course she would shoot Shay and Justene for IHeartGirls.com

Here they are, Shay ‘n Justene, presented in alternating pictures. How good is this? So good. Who wins? You do.

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This is a collection of 15 great stories from some of our favorite sites around the web. Those of us in the industry call it a “link dump.” We call it “Morning Dump” because it’s early and we’re immature. Click the pics to read each article.

1. 20 HILARIOUS KARATE FAIL VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE (Complex)

2. A QUICK MESSAGE, CALL OF THE DAY AND LOVELY LADY LINK ROUND UP (Sports Illustrated)

3. YOGA FOR ANXIETY: 10 POSES TO REDUCE STRESS (Huffington Post)

4. THIS IS A SWEET VIDEO OF SOME SKATEBOARDERS TEARING UP YANKEE STADIUM (Brobible)

5. INCREDIBLY HOT CHARLOTTE SPRINGER *NSFW (Sexy and Funny)

6. MIRANDA KERR TOPLESS CANDID PICTURES FOR A LONG AWAITED GOTCHA MOMENT! (Egotastic)

7. ERIC STONESTREET FROM “MODERN FAMILY” SHOWED LENO HIS INCREDIBLE VINE COLLECTION (Uproxx)

8. 25 CRAZY CELEBRITY WORKOUTS AND DIETS (Guyism)

9. 13 TV CHARACTERS WHO ESCAPED THE FRIEND ZONE (Buzzfeed)

10. 12 GADGETS TO MAKE YOUR HOUSE SMARTER (Coed Magazine)

11. LAUREN COLES SWIMSUIT MODEL (Tempe 12)

12. THE 5 MOST RIDICULOUS OUTFITS EVER WORN INTO BATTLE (Cracked)

13. PHOTOSHOP TROLLS ARE JUST AS CLEVER IN CHINA (Bro My God)

14. 4 THINGS EVERY MAN SHOULD PACK IN A SURVIVAL KIT (Made Man)

15. XBOX ONE EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MICROSOFT’S NEW CONSOLE (Busted Coverage)

TSJ ROUNDS UP 10 OF THE HOTTEST LADY LINKS FROM SOME OF OUR FAVORITE SITES AROUND THE WEB. Click the pics to access each gallery.

1. SOLANGE: HOT ON THEIR HEELS (Complex)

2. BECAUSE, GIRLS (Bro My God)

3. GINTA LAPINA LOOKS STUNNING – AGAIN – IN LINGERIE – AGAIN (Brobible)

4. MARYNA LINCHUK BIKINI PICTURES LIKE SEXTASTIC SUPERMODEL DROPLETS OF FUN (Egotastic)

5. THE LADIES OF NATIONAL WAITRESSES DAY (Gunaxin)

6. CANDID SHOTS OF GISELE *NSFW (Sexy and Funny)

7. HOTTEST SUPERFANS OF THE NBA PLAYOFFS: HEATHER SHANHOLTZ (Busted Coverage)

8. BROOK TELLS US SOMETHING THAT NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT HER (Tucson 12)

9. OLIVIA MUNN’S 25 SEXIEST ANIMATED GIFS (Coed Magazine)

10. GIRLS WHO HAD A GREAT TIME AT THEIR MAXIM SHOOT (Maxim)

If you’re a guy you are well aware of the unspoken credo between best friends: Screw with each other at all costs. Men have been doing this for years, but sadly, none have discovered a way to profit from it…except for The Tenderloins comedy troupe. Made up of comedians Joe Gatto, James “Murr” Murray, Sal Vulcano and Brian “Q” Quinn, the troupe’s TruTV series “Impractical Jokers” – in which each member competes against one another in random tasks via a hidden camera-style show – is entering its third season this coming Fall. Thus far, “IJ” has garnered over 60 million viewers, making these four high-school buddies from Staten Island local favorites.

The Tenderloins recently spoke to TSJ about their beginnings, “Impractical Jokers,” and their current tour. They also took some time to take a few jabs at one another, naturally.

The Smoking Jacket: Like many people, I love “Impractical Jokers.” You’ve all known each other since high school, right?

Brian Quinn: Yep! We’ve known each other since freshman year of high school, over twenty years.

TSJ: Because it’s been that long, it seems as if there’s nothing you can do on the show that’ll be too far.

Joe Gatto: Yeah, that’s definitely true. It’s fun because everyone loves to mess around with their best friends, and we get to do it on television.

TSJ: When did you ultimately decide to start up The Tenderloins? Did you perform in high school together?

Sal Vulcano: We did. We all performed in our high school improv club, and after college we created The Tenderloins comedy troupe, which is who we are now. Then we performed live for a long time and eventually came the show.

TSJ: The group is a cool mixture of sketch, improv and stand up, correct?

James Murray: Yeah, we started as live improv but then progressed to stand up and then some sketch. Eventually, we started drifting into filmed sketches and doing things for the Internet. That’s where we got a lot of attention via MySpace and such. We also won a contest for a show that Carson Daly was a part of called “It’s Your Show.” We won the $100,000 grand prize. Our pilot never aired but we hooked up with a production company and that’s what got the ball rolling.

PORN IN PUBLIC

TSJ: With “Impractical Jokers,” how do you find yourselves coming up with the dares?

SV: They usually lock me in a small room and I have a quote to meet by the end of day, Friday. [laughs]

JM: And if he doesn’t come up with enough we give him the hose. [laughs]

SV: Even if I come up with enough I ask for the hose. [laughs]

TSJ: Are there any writers on the show or is it just the four of you?

BQ: We have a couple of people who come in and help us out. Our main guy is a guy named Casey Jost, who we’ve known forever. We call him the fifth member. He’s always on set and we bounce ideas off of him. The bulk of it is us, but Casey is invaluable to “IJ.” We have a couple of people that help out.

TSJ: How do you go about deciding who is the victim of a dare?

JM: Well, all four of us do the challenges in the show, but the punishments, we’ve known each other so long that we know what is going to screw with each of us the best. So if we come up with a punishment involving cats, it’s Sal. He’s terrified of cats. Or if they come up with a punishment that involves nudity, they will choose me because I’m not comfortable with my body in the slightest bit. [laughs] We just know so much about each other it’s kind of easy to tailor the punishments towards one person.

TSJ: Speaking of that nudity, James, you did Strip High Five with Joe, right?

JG: Yeah, we battled it out in Union Square.

JM: We battled it out and America lost. [laughs]

TSJ: For something like that, did you just start doing it or did you have to tell people?

JG: No, we don’t tell anyone we’re filming anything until it’s over. We want the show to be 100 percent genuine and get the public’s real reactions to us being idiots. We get permission to film places but nobody really knows we’re on camera.

TSJ: Even for the restaurant bit when you had to eat off of someone’s plate? I think it was Sal who was grabbed and being interrogated.

SV: That one was the first thing we ever shot for the show. Things are still nerve-wracking for us three years in, so that one being the first day of production for the first episode of the first season, it was crazy. She grabbed my hand and would not let go. And we couldn’t explain anything because I wasn’t allowed to talk. I was frozen with fear, I have to admit.

TSJ: I know in the show you’re all competing. What do you gain from it? The joy of watching your best buddies squirm?

JG: You get the pure joy of torturing your friends. [laughs]

SV: Let’s not make any mistake about this. Doing the show means we have to be with each other 24/7, so if we didn’t get to make each other squirm it would be no fun at all. [laughs]

JM: Kyle, if there’s anything the show has taught me it’s that I need a new group of friends. [laughs] And that I need health insurance.

BQ: If there’s one thing it’s taught me it’s that Murr needs three new best friends.

SV: If there’s one thing it’s taught me it’s that Q is always right. [laughs] Joe, what about you?

JG: I just always agree with Q and Sal so what they said. [laughs]

TSJ: Over the course of the show, has there been one challenge that has gone way wrong?

JG: Well, it’s not a normal prank show. We’re trying to make each other look like idiots, not the public. But I think Sal got assaulted by an old man when he tried to cut him in line. SV: That guy was no-nonsense. I think he might have been a war vet. As soon as I cut him in line for Broadway tickets he went back to a different place. He was not happy.

Most recently, though, James and I were working at a car show and a guy looked us both in the eye like he was looking right into our souls. And we weren’t doing anything bad either, but he just sensed that something was off. He turned to us and he says, “I will punch you in the fucking face!” [laughs] Needless to say we were like, “No problem buddy! Sorry.” [laughs]

TSJ: Has there been one that’s been the most humiliating?

BQ: I think we’d all have individual answers for that, but for me, they made me teach my parents a Sex Ed course. To this day it’s something I’m grappling with and talking to a therapist about. [laughs]

JG: That was probably one of the most excruciating things. We made Q teach a Sex Ed course to his parents. I mean, come on. That was ruthless. I think that’s probably up there for all of us.

STRIP HIGH-FIVE

TSJ: You’re currently filming the third season. Has the show changed at all to you?

JG: I think we’ve gotten more personal as time has gone on. After having done this for a while, there’s a little bit of revenge in there. We all sort of want to out-do one another. We put a lot more thought into these things now. We’re really excited; we’ve got a lot of good ones coming up this season.

TSJ: The show has been incredibly successful. Did that at all surprise you?

SV: I think with things like comedy you always try and hope but never think you’re going to get on television. And then when you do you don’t think you’re going to stay on television, and you never think people are going to respond the way you want them to. So no matter what happens, I don’t want to say we’re in shock, but it’s never lost on us. I still can’t believe that people stop us and say how much they love both us and the show.

TSJ: From the pilot you had to have known you had something unique.

JG: I think when we went into it we just wanted to deliver something that was really us; something that we didn’t have to act in. With this show, we’re able to just be ourselves and be real.

JM: And I think what makes it work is that we’re best friends, and everyone has best friends that are like us to a degree. It’s a very relatable show, I think.

TSJ: I would agree 100%.

BQ: I’m sorry I was out for a while there, Kyle. Sal and Joe realized I was wearing pants and they’re wearing shorts because it’s eighty degrees here in New York, so they started pulling up their shorts and giving me the finger in the middle of the interview. I’m trying to be professional in the middle of this and my two asshole friends are giving me the finger in the middle of a shopping mall.

JG: My calves are so cool right now. You should know that. [laughs]

BQ: Joe’s calves look like clear garbage bags filled with milk. [laughs] Are you keeping this?

TSJ: [laughs] I’d like to. It’s obvious from talking to you guys and from watching the show that you’re real New York guys. Do you think the show would have a different feel if it were shot elsewhere like in LA?

SV: I think this city has an energy about it that reflects us. We’re able to capture that on the show. New York is sort of one of us. I think it’s a character in itself. That’s what we wanted to do. We wanted that real grittiness New York has. It compliments what we do on the show very well. They make a good match.

JG: This place is a melting pot. You’ve got people from all over the place. There’s a lot of different personalities and types of people. That really helps. There’s tourists from Alabama, people from New York who don’t care about anything etc. It’s a good mix.

TSJ: You’re doing a live tour now too, right?

SV: Yeah, we do New York about every six months. We tour every year and tailor the act to stand up, but we do a mix of that, sketch and audience interaction. We also do multimedia stuff, tell stories about working on “IJ.” It’s a mixed bag, it’s so much fun.

TSJ: So do you guys see an end to the show? Or is it one that you’ll always be able to generate material for?

BQ: I think there’s no shortage of ways we could mess with one another. So as long as people want us around we have no problem coming up with ideas. As long as people want it we’ll keep coming up with ways to screw with each other.

IT’S MAY, AND IN EUROPE THAT MEANS that means the culmination of the beloved “football”—soccer—season when all the major cup finals are played.

It’s a highly anticipated time on the sporting calendar for Euros but for Americans, not so much. I mean Soccer? C’mon! Americans will never watch soccer. Not in large numbers anyway. Not outside of the Olympics or World Cup. For these, and so many other, reasons:

1. It’s Too Damn Boring

Americans are never going to get excited about something that almost happened, about a scoring chance missed or a shot blocked or mishit. It’s like getting all fired up about a long foul ball, or a QB overthrowing his receiver.

Honestly, soccer is like a form or rhythmic mass-hypnosis to Americans: One team passes up field not quite to the goal then turns it over, the other team takes it down not quite near the other goal before turning it back over, and on and on they go until after 90 excitement-less minutes later it mercifully ends.

2. Ties

Not these kinds of ties. 

No, not the kind you wear, the kind where no one scores and no one goes home happy. Often called ‘draws’ by aficionados, you can call them what you will Americans won’t tolerate them. Never have. They say a tie is “like kissing your sister”; well, Americans don’t like sister-kissing! Baseball, the nation’s first sporting love, has never allowed for a tie, the game must be decided, even if we have to play forever—or 33 innings. They are also made impossible by the rules of basketball, have been pinched out of hockey, and when they do occur in football every 5 years or so, it just confuses and pisses people off and sets the whole “we-should-never-let-another-football-game-end-in-a-tie-again” debate raging.

3. Embellishment

Also known as “diving” or “faking” or “acting” or “poor sportsmanship” or even “cheating”; faking an injury or leaping in the air at the suggestion of contact is a time-honored tradition amongst soccer players. But one Americans can’t understand and, frankly, don’t like.

It can make soccer feel like a basketball game in which both teams spend more time flopping to try to draw charges instead of just playing the game.

Sure I get that a free kick or a penalty can be a valuable, but so often it seems that if the guy would’ve just stayed on his feet he would’ve had a better chance to score then they get when he draws a free kick which is promptly shot 15 feet over the net. Plus it slows the game down, and soccer is not a game that needs any slowing down.

4. Relegation

Maybe you don’t this, but in soccer, at least in Europe, if you’re team finishes in the bottom three in the standings they get kicked out of the league! The idea that a terrible team would lose its place in the top flight of competition in unthinkable in American, and thank god because when losing starts having consequences the fun gets drain right out of the game.

Sure some would argue that the relegation system makes more games meaningful and exciting as basement-dwellers battle to “stay up” and play in the top league next season right to the final games, instead of throwing in the towel and hoping for a high draft pick like they do here—anyone else recall the “suck for luck”?

But I say that while I like the thought of some teams getting kicked down a notch, the idea of it happening to one of my teams makes the whole notion to frightening to consider.

5. Too Much Damn Singing

What’s with all the sing-along songs at soccer matches?

Half the time you can’t even understand what the crowd is saying—unlike a good, ole American chant! Besides if Americans wanted to see singing they could just turn on their TV on any given night and catch the latest singing competition, or they’d go to church. Europeans might try to claim the singing generates ‘atmosphere’ but so does “Go Team Go!” and rhythmic clapping.

And while Americans may not like to sign songs at their games they also won’t tolerate openly racist and homophobic slogans being chanted at games, and frankly, their presence in European soccer stadiums is reason enough for anyone not to watch—sometimes the good ole U.S. of A. is more progressive than Europe despite what them sister-kissing Eurotrash think.

Not adopt in any sort of creepy daughter-like capacity, but just bring on board as a cultural ambassador from Japan. And by “cultural ambassador” we mean a bikini-stuffing, handbra-sporting, sideboob-baring H-cup ^{see note} hottie who’ll have you booking a flight to Japan before you can say thirsty gaijin.

We brought you Mai at the beginning of the months because “Mai” kind of resembles “May”, and brought her back again with pictures of her sexy San Francisco trip. Here, to celebrate the imminent end of the school year we have Mai playing the sexy teacher, stripping to a bikini, and then [flash forward] hitting the beach in a couple different bikinis. It’s fun.

Welcome to the TSJ family, Mai, it’s nice to have you on the team. 

NOTE: Bra sizes as we know vary from country to country, and figuring out the true U.S. number-and-letter measurement of a Japanese model is very difficult. Mai is said to be 90cm and an H cup. Using the trusty bra size converter we find that a Japanese 90H would convert to a 40F, and ain’t no way Mai Nishida, at 5’2″ is a 40F. As Boobpedia explains, the 90 cm is probably the maximum circumference of Mai’s chest, rather than the band size (circumference of body just south of the boobs). That 90 cm measurement is published simply because it’s a bigger number than her band size — which we don’t know — and guys like big numbers.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Mai Nishida and Her Girls Visit San Francisco #wednesdaywasabi
Mai Nishida — Let May Be Nishida-riffic #WednesdayWasabi

This is a collection of 15 great stories from some of our favorite sites around the web. Those of us in the industry call it a “link dump.” We call it “Morning Dump” because it’s early and we’re immature. Click the pics to read each article.

1. THE BEST OUTFITS FROM “WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP” (Complex)

2. PREPARE YOUR EARS, HE DIDN’T WEAR CAPRI PANTS AND LOVELY LADY LINKS ROUNDUP (Sports Illustrated)

3. OKLAHOMA HORROR. TORNADO LEAVES TRAIL OF DESTRUCTION (Huffington Post)

4. JAPANESE GYMNASTICS SKETCH REDEFINES COMEDY (Brobible)

5. SELFIE SUNDAY (Repo’s Delight)

6. HEATHER GRAHAM STILL GOT THE CLEAVAGE MOJO (Egotastic)

7. THE SECOND FULL TRAILER FOR “THE WOLVERINE” (Uproxx)

8. DRUNK GUY AT HOSPITAL WAS BOUND TO FAIL IN SOME WAY (Guyism)

9. FOOD TO DIY INSTEAD OF BUY (Buzzfeed)

10. BODYPAINT BABE BONANZA: SEXY SUPERHERO EDITON (Coed Magazine)

11. IT’S BIKINI SEASON (San Diego 12)

12. INSIDE THE MIND OF A MAN WITH A COMB-OVER (Cracked)

13. WELL HELLO THERE MIRROR, DO I LOOK GOOD OR WHAT? (Bro My God)

14. 8 TASTIEST WING JOINTS (Made Man)

15. SOUTH BEACH BUTTERFACES: SLOVAKIAN PETRA BENOVA (Busted Coverage)

If you haven’t heard of Vine, well you’re in luck because no one’s really judging you … yet, because it’s one of those fairly new apps that’s just now getting a lot of attention.  What Twitter is to Facebook, Vine is to YouTube – it’s basically an app that will let you post 6 seconds videos of whatever you want and like Twitter, it forces people to get creative with their videos and a lot of people have stepped up to the Vine plate.  Entertaining and funny all in six seconds?  It doesn’t sound possible but Vine makes it happen.

Here’s just a few hilarious Vine videos we found that’ll make you want to jump on the Vine bandwagon.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER DRIVER BY WILL SASSO

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER DRIVING BY WILL SASSO

BEST OF VINE APRIL 2013

RYAN GOSLING WON’T EAT HIS CEREAL

WIZKHALIFA’S VINE COMPLIATION

THE VIDEO GAME INDUSTRY is massively huge, a multi-billion dollar a year behemoth that makes a lot of money for a lot of people.

But not every new system takes off. Not every game sells. Some products are rushed to market, others are poorly designed, and others are ill conceived.

For every spectacular success there are spectacular failures, like these ones:

1. RCA Studio II

One of the earliest entrants in the home console market, the RCA Studio II, was also one of the emerging market’s first commercial failures.

One of the biggest problems facing the Studio II was the competition, specifically the Fairchild Channel F which came with equipped with two joysticks—the Studio II had two ten-button keyboards built into the console leaving players fight for elbow room—was launched first, rendering the Studio II obsolete before release.

The death blow came 10-months later with Atari released its 2600 and took the gaming world by storm, establishing the home console market we know today and ending production on the Studio II.

2. Nokia N-Gage

You can see how this product came about, couple guys sitting around in Finland one day at the Nokia factory in the early 2000s playing a handheld video game device suddenly think “Why the hell don’t we make a phone that is also a portable console?”

Unfortunately Nokia failed to make a product that could perform either function well. The thing looked like a taco, had to be held sideways to work as a phone and failed to meet the standards set by its competition in the portable video game console world. The N-Gage was a smashing failure, selling less than 3 million units in 3 years after anticipating they’d move 2-3 million in the first year.

Nokia scrapped the N-Gage in 2007 and has stuck to making phones and steadily losing its market share ever since.

3. Nintendo Power Glove

The Power Glove is most likely a victim of being rushed to market to correspond with the movie The Wizard—which fans will recall also launched Super Mario Bros. 3—and technology not having caught up with its designers imagination.

The idea was that you could drive cars or fly planes or punch bad guys with the glove, but the reality was that you basically just had a controller strapped to one wrist and were now forced to play one handed. Great idea, horrible execution.

The Power Glove was basically supposed to offer all the free-flowing control that the Wii finally allowed, some 15 years later—so at least Nintendo got it right eventually.

4. Duke Nukem Forever

It certainly took “forever” to create!

This beauty was 15 years in the making, and the game delivered on none of the promises. It was the follow up to a successful series that changed hands and engines and designers so many times over the course of its development its difficult to know whose responsible for what, or who lost money and how much.

What is certain is that the wait was not worth it. The game topped many “most disappointing game of the year” lists back in 2011, and if you didn’t even realiZe it had been released in 2011, well you certainly weren’t alone, hardly anyone bought this thing.

Seems like most people gave up on this game at least a decade before it was released, except the developers and they’re the ones still paying the price for it.

5. Daikatana

When a game producer decides that the ad campaign for the game should use his name instead of the name of the game, you know that ego might be an issue. And when said producer makes a threat/promise to gamers, he better deliver or they’ll make him their bitch! And make him their bitch they did!

The only thing people liked about this game was the poster and only after the game turned out to be garbage and they could turn on Romero.

Not surprisingly production ran into trouble, there were numerous delays and rampant over-spending and in the end. An inferior product that was couldn’t hold a candle to Doom and was most definitely failed to live up to the hype as the next big thing in first person shooters.

We don’t know. Something in the water? This would take years of scrutiny (combing through literally tons of old Swimsuit Issues and Victoria’s Secret catalogs) and some lab work (“Open up, Miss Kroes, we need to take a swab — for science”).

We’d much rather just study the girls one by one — but even that presents a problem. They’re coming at us too fast! We were looking at these new photos of Marloes Horst and Sylvie van der Vaart and having trouble deciding which of them was most important to serve you today. Marloes or Sylvie? Sylvie or Marloes?

Conclusion: Fuck it, do ‘em both. Because next week there will be another smokin’ hot batch of Dutch femininity that needs your attention. Sometimes you just have to go Double Dutch and move on.

Inevitably, when we use “Double Dutch” to refer to people, we have to wonder… when they do the double dutch, is that really them dancing? We’ve never figured that out. Liz Phair thought so in 1994, and as you can see with this VHS-duped video from 120 Minutes the woman was ahead of her time. We have celebrity upskirt and pokies years before these things became the primary content of the internet. This from the woman who had a nipslip on her own album cover. This will be your earworm for the day, enjoy:

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Dioni Tabbers Is a Curvy Provocateuse in Agent Provocateur
Meet Beautiful Dutch Playmate Zimra Geurts

Unable to bear the thought of having to spend an entire week waiting for it to end, we thought we’d ask all the fun and sexy girls who pose for us to help bring you a new day to celebrate Playboy models at the beginning of the week. That’s right. We love you like that. We dubbed our day: #TuesdayTease. 

We’re proud to bring the brand new weekly feature, #TuesdayTease, where our Cybergirls, Playmates, and Playboy’s hottest fans tweet out their sexiest selfies for your viewing pleasure.

TUESDAY TEASER

Wanna take part? You just have to tweet your photo to @PlayboyDotCom with the hashtag #TuesdayTease and we’ll post your sexy pics right here.

We’re all doing our part to make the world a better place, after all.

Happy #TuesdayTease!

CLICK HERE TO ACCESS THE FULL GALLERY 

CLICK HERE TO ACCESS THE FULL GALLERY

This is a collection of 15 great stories from some of our favorite sites around the web. Those of us in the industry call it a “link dump.” We call it “Morning Dump” because it’s early and we’re immature. Click the pics to read each article.

1. THE 50 BEST TELEVISION PILOTS OF ALL TIME (Complex)

2. THANK YOU, BRANDON, WRAPPING UP THE WEEK AND LOVELY LADY OF THE DAY (Sports Illustrated)

3. OUCH! MIGUEL JUMPS AND LANDS ON FAN’S NECK (Huffington Post)

4. ‘BRO CODE’ … ACCORDING TO BEN AFFLECK AND KANYE WEST (Brobible)

5. JENNIFER LAWRENCE HAS NO BRA (Celeb Jihad)

6. EVA LONGORIA WARDROBE MALFUNCTION (Egotastic)

7. THE 10 BEST GIFS FROM ‘THE OFFICE’ FINALE (Uproxx)

8. 7 OF THE MOST SUBTLY DEPRESSING SITCOM PREMISES OF ALL TIME (Guyism)

9. 23 WAYS YOUR OVERPROTECTIVE PARENTS TRAUMATIZED YOU (Buzzfeed)

10. SHAWN DOLLAR’S OFFICIALLY THE BALLSIEST SURFER EVER (Coed Magazine)

11. WHAT ARE RACHEL’S TOP THREE MOVIES? (San Diego 12)

12. 5 PEOPLE WHO TOOK REVENGE TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL (Cracked)

13. BOMBS AWAY TIME TO PHOTOBOMB (Bro My God)

14. THE 19 HOTTEST REAL-LIFE COUGARS (Made Man)

15. 5 MONEY-SAVING TOOLS FOR THE CHEAP TRAVELER (Busted Coverage)

TSJ ROUNDS UP 10 OF THE HOTTEST LADY LINKS FROM SOME OF OUR FAVORITE SITES AROUND THE WEB. Click the pics to access each gallery.

1. JAC JAGACIAK REDEFINES SEXY (Complex)

2. GIRLS IN TIGHT DRESSES WILL MAKE YOU DROOL (Bro My God)

3. MARTHA HUNT IS A MARVEL IN VICTORIA’S SECRET (Brobible)

4. ZOE SALDANA, LAKE BELL AND OLGA KURYLENKO AMONG HOTTIES IN THE MOVIES (Egotastic)

5. TINA FEY: FUNNY AND SEXY (Gunaxin)

6. ASHLEY BULGARIS’ BATHROOM FUN *NSFW (Sexy and Funny)

7. BUFFALO JILLS INVADE FLORIDA (Busted Coverage)

8. WHAT WOULD DANIELLE DO IF SHE WON THE LOTTERY? (FHM)

9. THE 50 MOST POPULAR UK GLAMOUR MODELS ON THE WEB ACCORDING TO GOOGLE (Coed Magazine)

10. BEHIND THE SCENES HOTNESS – IT’S HEATHER GRAHAM’S MAXIM COVER SHOOT (Maxim)

Now we’re assuming you all can handle a joke, so here is a list of  ”yo mama” jokes and actually laws that effect her weight, intelligence, sexual promiscuity and economic situation.

1. Yo Mama So Ugly,
She Was Banned From Public Until the 1970s

There are many things we expect cities to ban in order to improve quality of life: Smoking, littering, loitering and large sodas.

We’ll stop right there. Mayor Bloomberg is getting a boner.

While we’re well aware of certain cities banning people based on race, religion and sexual orientation, in many western and midwestern states it was common to ban ugly people. From the late nineteenth century until the 1970s, you and yo mama could get fined or thrown in jail for being too ugly.

During the 1970s these laws were repealed and the Americans with Disabilities Act largely invalidates any such laws that may occur in the future.

2. Yo Mama So Fat,
Japan Banned Her

When you think of fat industrialized nations, Japan doesn’t spring to mind first off. The nation has only a five percent obesity rate, compared to America’s whopping 35 percent.

And the fatties are the athletes

But due to an aging population, Japan has instituted “metabo” laws to limit waist size, with companies having to pay more money when they have a high number of heavier employees.

The US is unlikely to institute such laws, but many states are considering incentives and taxes to steer people away from unhealthy activity by restricting fatty and sugary food.

Bloomberg, get the hell out of here! 

3. Yo Mama So Stupid

You wouldn’t think politicians would want to make laws for idiots. Politicians long relied on idiots for votes and, in many ways, idiots have taken over the parties.

This idiot was almost a heartbeat away from the most powerful office on Earth.

Before we even knew about DNA, science and politicians decided to improve the human race by removing the shallow end of the gene pool. States passed eugenics laws that sterilized “feeble minded” people. The Supreme Court took up the Virginia eugenics law in Buck vs. Bell and decided it was legal. The ruling was so influential around the world that thew Nazis cited it as a defense in the Nuremburg trials. And while most states have repealed their laws, Buck vs. Bell is the law of the land.

Let’s hope the standardized testing in schools doesn’t turn into a trip to the sterilization clinic.

4. Yo Mama So Easy,
They Made Sex Illegal

Sexuality has been a (t)horny issue for years. Several states passed laws making consensual sex between unmarried adults illegal, whether straight or gay. These laws weren’t just relics from before the sexual revolution either. In 2003 the Supreme Court case Lawrence v. Texas legalized gay sex, and in 2005 Virginia finally decided unmarried straight sex was okay (Martin v. Ziherl).

Anti-sex groups continue to fight, whether it’s abstinence only education in schools, trying to ban cancer-preventing vaccines or trying to prevent Plan B over the counter for teens.

They are either very religious, or really want to see more Teen Mom sex tapes.

5. Yo Mama So Poor,
They Brought Back Debtors Prisons

Poor folk generally get sympathy from decent people.

But since poor people don’t vote much and can’t afford to buy politicians, they become the scapegoats to distract us from what fuck ups our government and business leaders are.

The ACLU has a whole section of their website dedicated to the rise of debtors prison and the criminalization of poverty. Whether it’s holding poor people in prison for not being able to pay legal fines, or arresting a poor woman for trying to get her kids into a better school.

In addition, many cities deal with homeless by using police harassment rather than treatment or other means of help. And after a Republican sweep in 2010, many states passed laws requiring drug testing of applicants, despite the national recession and the fact it cost the state of Florida more than it would have saved.

“Please, America, can I have some more dignity”

6. Yo Mama So Cheap, She Steals From Poor Workers

Maybe your Mama ain’t poor. But she’s cheap.

Being cheap means she might be violating some laws. Using illegal immigrant labor to undercut American wages is so common as to be expected. But if she’s really cheap, she may engage in wage theft.

Wage theft is the stealing of employee earnings by employers. This can include paying less than minimum wage, misclassifying employees as independent contractors and making employees work off the clock. And it’s not always small time employers and subcontractors that do it: Wal-Mart agreed to pay $352 million for making employees work off the clock

The happiest wage violator on the Fortune 500

Follow Philip on Twitter @Philip_R_Moon 

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Your Mom Was Hot: Hot MILF Gallery  
What She Said: I Dressed Up Like Your Mom for Halloween (But Don’t Worry, I Sexed Her Up) 

SOMETIMES A GIRL COMES ALONG with just the right mixture of talent, smarts, and sexy, and her name is Natalie Portman. Who knew that cute little girl from “The Professional” would grow up to be so damn hot? One minute she’s the girl next door, another minute she’s a beauty out of a Degas painting. And just when you think that’s it, she strips down to nothing, wears a thong and kisses girls. True to form, TSJ’s mainly going to focus on that last part for today’s video dump. (Though we also recommend you watch her SNL rap again.)

Here are 5 amazing videos of Natalie Portman letting her sexy show.

Natalie Portman as a stripper

Natalie Portman swims in a thong

Natalie and Mila in Black Swan *NSFW

Natalie’s sexy strip

Natalie as a sexy Elvis? Oh yeah, she did it

AH, PANTS. SLACKS. DUNGAREES. TROUSERS. Man’s wardrobe of choice since society deemed dresses only acceptable on women, Scots, and your birthday when you and your partner do that thing where she’s the bad boy and you’re the naughty girl and the safe word is “happenstance.”

Pants are that great gateway between propriety and nudity, between fantasy and getting some, between skin and sin. But not everything that can get into your pants should be there, nor is it a given that anything that can make it into your pants is a good thing. Oh sure, phrases like, “I got into her pants,” suggest a positive connotation, but replace “I” with “Chlamydia”, and we’ve got a whole different Saturday night.

Headshots, your source and authority on all things slacks, is a great fan of the pant. Hell, we love them so much we’re hesitant to trade them in for short pants during the summer. We love jeans, corduroys, chinos, and some lady’s pair crumpled up on our floor in the morning. But as much as we love pants, and love getting into them (and out of them), pants should be treated with respect, and caution.

Heretofore are the five worst things that can get in your pants.

1. Vermin

No, I’m not talking about dude with bad pickup lines. I’m talking about rodents, especially mice.

Vermin love a good pants vacation. Now, rats, gerbils, hamsters, you can see them coming, and avoid their unwanted visit. But mice, mice are small shifty little f**kers. They can get up the pant leg of Williamsburg’s most skinny jean sporting hipster, and nest in there until the next Arcade Fire album comes out. And mice will hid in the spot between your junk and your thigh for weeks, slowly nibbling away at your business, but not in a flirty way. It’s how my cousin Martin became cousin Margery.

2. Dudes

Dudes suck.

Not all dudes, mind you.

The dudes we’re talking about are the guys who wear white ball caps, tuck in their golf tees, say things like “top shelf” and “no homo” and “I got it down to a misdemeanor.”

These dudes travel in packs of at least four, played team sports through college, and (though hetero, and in the worst way) would blow Tiger Woods if given the opportunity. And these dudes will do anything to get in your pants. Buy you drinks, tell you you look like Selena Gomez, listen to you. And once they’re in there, they’re not unlike the mice, nibbling away at your business, but not in a way that suggests they have any clue as to how to work your business.

3. Smartphone Cameras

Last week we talked about Smartphone Sexfare, a new game for lovers, something that’ll take the world by storm as soon as we sort out some copyright issues. But while in that instance photos of your stuff, her stuff, the midget’s stuff, are encouraged, and necessary, it’s time that we, collectively, stopped snapping pics of our genitals.

What in the name of Brett Favre are you thinking if you shove your phone down your pants, click away, then tweet your business? Who is this impressing? Also, no one’s business looks good on an iPhone camera. And trust us, dudes, no one want to see your business. That’s why the good Lord invented lovin’ with the lights off.

4. Semen

Semen, giver of life, and nighttime enemy of teenage boys, is as messy a substance one can find on God’s earth. And it’s for this reason that we implore you to not let it into your pants. It smells, it stains, it crusts up your jeans in a way that Tide has not yet learned to solve. It doesn’t look cool.

No one points at a fresh semen stain on a set of corduroys and exclaims, “Sweet, homeboy must’ve got laid, there’s some jizz on his cords!” And for the ladies, this is not like walking around with a trophy mark. This tells everyone, “Look, we didn’t bother with condoms, I won’t let him come in me, facials are for girls from Arizona, and so I let him finish on my Levi’s.

Class it up folks. Not Cool.

5. STDs

Probably something that you’ll catch if you don’t heed the warnings of number 2, but deserves its own place on this list.

It’s hard to believe that given our knowledge of sexually transmitted diseases, and the ease with which they can be prevented, that dudes and dudettes are still contracting herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, and that one that turns your junk green and then you have to dip it in ointment for three weeks. Like, cover it. Completely. Sure, condoms are a little pricey, and nowadays with all their vibrating, and colors, and flavors, and sizes, more than a bit confusing, but for the love of Amanda Bynes, is saving ten bucks worth it if you have to bathe your business in calamine and pop $50 antibiotics for a month? That’s not just sexually irresponsible, it’s fiscally unsound.

I’m sure there’s other things you’d rather not make their way into your pants; snakes, Vincent Gallo, a rabid monkey, but for our purposes, and based on our experience, these are the five to avoid.

Unless, you know, you’re into the kink.

FOLLOW MIKE SPRY ON TWITTER!

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Headshots: Zombie Sex Toys & Spray Can Cheese (5 Ways to Weird Up Your Lovin’)
5 Things We Learned About Cinco de Mayo

But being a super-sexy lady of magazines and internet fame these days requires a number of special skills, and tweeting and pic-tweeting is one of the most important. If you can’t give the fans hot bikini or sportsbra pictures on an amost daily basis, you’re not gonna last. The fans need it, and let’s face it, you’re probably in a bikini or sportsbra 75% of your day anyway.

Raquel does it well, and while the glow of PMOY is still shining bright (not that it ever fades) we think it’s appropriate to raid her Instagram (@rpomplun) for self-shot hotness. Here you go, boys:

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
April Summers Is Just Too Good on Instagram
April O’Neil, Show Us Your Tweets