1. EVEN CAMERON DIAZ COVERS UP NEXT TO KATE UPTON (Complex)

2. THE LATEST SELFIE TREND: THE CAR SELFIE (Bro My God)

3. NINA AGDAL AND ARIEL MEREDITH ALSO HAVE BODY PAINT (Brobible)

4. ALICE GOODWIN TOPLESS TRIBUTES (Egotastic)

5. THE HOTTEST GIRLS OF G4 T.V. (Celeb Jihad)

6. REAL LIFE WITH CATIE PARKER *NSFW (Sexy and Funny)

7. 100 BEST NFL CHEERLEADER SWIMSUIT PICS (Busted Coverage)

8. WHAT DOES GINA VAIA LOOK FOR IN A GUY? (Tempe 12)

9. THE GORGEOUS GIRLS OF MISS USA 2013: BIKINI EDITION (Coed Magazine)

10. MAXIM SATURDAYS AT TAO BEACH TAKES YOU BACK TO SUMMER CAMP (Maxim)

TwitPic Theater is a collection of the sexiest pictures posted by Playmates and Playboy models from the week. Take a peek into the sexy lives of the girls at photo shoots, on nights out, and more.

Follow the girls on Twitter and see what goes on behind-the-scenes 24/7, all friendly-like. 

@JessaHinton and @Ciara_Price suit up

@NikkiLeighxo gives some sideboob

@Jaclyn_Swedberg vamps it in fuschia

@crystalhefner remembers to smell the roses

@JessicaBurciaga shooting for DOLL Swimwear at Laguna Beach

@FrancescaFrigo looks amazing sitting in a car

@hiromioshima is perfection, lounging

@RaquelPomplun and @MissAudreyAllen run off to Disneyland!

Good times at the Playboy Jazz Fest!

@MsAnnetteWhite spells it out for us

@TheMissKristen could be a goddess

Everyone’s got some bad habits — the trick is learning how to hide them long enough so your dates don’t end up in disaster. Let her see you for the gentleman you hope to be down the road by following these five simple tips…

1. INTOXICATION

This isn’t a late night dance party with your buddies where you are safe in the “no judgment, because we won’t remember it tomorrow either” zone. She’ll remember, so make sure you eat a pre-date meal to soak up that Old Fashioned you’ll be sipping on all night Don Draper style.

2. SMOKING

Fifty-three percent of people surveyed, like on the PLANET, say they would not date a smoker. That’s a lot of humans.

Improve your dating odds by cutting back on cigarettes before, during and after your first date. Don’t panic, tobacco comes in all shapes and sizes – try using Camel SNUS, a discreet smokeless, odorless and no-need-to-spit option for smokers. She’ll never know you’re “snusing.”

Let’s face it, you may think you come across as smooth as Robert De Niro in Goodfellas when you light up at a bar, but your date might think otherwise. “You talkin’ to me?” – said your unimpressed date after you blow a ring of smoke in her face.

3. STARING AT OTHER WOMEN

So you are on your first date, but you can’t stop staring at all the other available single ladies in the bar. Solution? Sunglasses, at night. Sure you look like an idiot, but at least you’re a gentleman.

4. DRESS CODE

Coming across as trying too hard is never good, but that’s no excuse to look like you just woke up from sleeping on your buddy’s sofa either. Fashion is subjective, but a bad smell resonating from your unwashed lucky “100 percent guaranteed to get you laid in college” T-shirt is not. Bottom line, trying to look your best is much appreciated by the ladies.

5. EGO

You may be eager to impress on your first date, but be sure to check your ego at the door. No one wants to listen to you ramble on about your life’s drama. Ask questions, LOTS of questions.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Stuff You Should Know: Smoking a Cigar  
The Ultimate Dating App, “Let’s Date”
Ask TSJ: Can Guys Do a Spa Date? 

Virgin, homophobic, Christian fundamentalist, generally phobic NFL quarterback Tim Tebow has signed with the New England Patriots after a failed season with the New York Jets. Tebow, a college superstar at Florida, and a reasonable success in Denver with the Broncos, has a build and skill set that doesn’t sit well with the pro football establishment. His throwing motion is awkward. His build is more derivative of a tightend or a QB in a Madea suit. he gets more attention than a third rate NFLer should. But, alas, Tebow is a headline in waiting, and will always get a chance. So, here at Headshots, we’re going to make things right.

Here’s how to fix his career: Heavy amounts of fucking.

I’ve made this argument before, on national television no less, that pro football quarterbacks can’t be virgins. Well, maybe in the CFL. But, for the most part, professional athletes need to revel in sexual awareness, and usually promiscuity, in order to be a success. Athletes renowned for fierce sexual appetites have graced the sports pages for as long as there were sports pages: Babe Ruth, Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, Alex Rodriguez, every NFL linebacker ever, the list goes on. Oddly, very few hockey players, but we imagine that has to do with the difficulties of getting laid if you’re a toothless Canadian no one has ever heard of.

So, in order to fix his herky-jerky throwing motion, and give him a chance at NFL stardom, Headshots suggests five modes of laidness (laiditude? laying? layvishness?) for Tim Tebow to correct his lacking football prowess.

1. Gold Ole Christian Hetero Lovin’ 

This will be the easiest for Tebow to adapt to. Heterosexual Christian intercourse is as close as you can get to virginity while still poppin’ cherries.

Heterosexual Christian intercourse allows for sexual activity only in certain instances: Wedding night, procreation, and Super Bowl wins. All Timmy Blue Balls needs to do is find a nice lady, marry her, retreat to the honeymoon suite at the Hilton, get little Timmy to run a slant pattern into Mrs. Tebow’s red zone, drop off his pass, and TOUCHDOWN! Suddenly, Tebow will be able to hit receivers and read defenses like Aaron Rodgers on Ativan.

Yay Christianity! Yay intercourse! Yay ejaculation!

2. Homosexual Experimentation

In the wake of the brave and admirable coming out of NBA center Jason Collins, it’s apparent that North American pro sport is (finally) ready to join the twentieth (that’s right, two decades slow) century. What we need post-Collins is a player in the spotlight to admit his homosexuality. Enter Tebow. If Tebow’s a virgin, how does he really know if he likes boys or girls. I didn’t know I was straight until I loved up on Evelyn Anderson in the back of my parents’ Honda Civic Wagovan in grade 10. Plus, you know, Tebow has spent most of his life “under center”.

Maybe a man is just what Tim Tim needs to get his throwing motion fluid. Is that a euphemism?

Probably.

3. Greedy Bisexuality 

Tebow seems to like having it all. A worshipped athlete from a young age, Timmy is used to opulence: NCAA championship, Heisman, 1st round NFL pick, playoff upset over the Pittsburgh Steelers, and awards and ribbons and trophies to fill three sets of parents’ basements. And in terms of sexuality, what is more opulent, greedy, trophy-like than bisexuality.

Bisexuals can enter any room and just think, “Let’s get us some!” Tebow could not only cure his football woes, achieve the successes he so desperately desires, and make all other players look like prudes, but he could also get a shittone of action. The interns, including our newest addition “Stu”, voted heavily in favor of this option, and even volunteered to make it a reality in a Days Inn in Jacksonville.

4. Getting’ Down on a Kardashian 

This is the TMZ route. The pop culture icon route. The Dancing with the Stars season 21 option. Tebow would just need to head out to Bruce Jenner’s talentless fembot farm in California, and chose him and Kardashian or Jenner or whatever bikini candid stars they’re growing for US magazine.

He’d be back on the front pages of every rag mag in the USA. He’d be the opening segment of every news cast from Anderson Cooper to Wolf Blitzer. Barbara Walters would do a special. And, most importantly, those girls get them some. Tebow’d be able to audible at the line of scrimmage and hit a receiver in triple coverage on and out pattern in his sleep after a round with a Jenndashian.

5. The Weird Go Pro 

The phrase Headshots has employed most commonly is from the late, great Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” In the context of Tebow and the fact he’s never ejaculated into a real live being, and as such throwing a football like an angry Thalidomide baby, we’re going to flip Thompson’s salve on its head.

The pro needs to turn weird. Tebow’s gotta go on a sexual field trip that’ll shame Lionel Hutz and get Madonna working on a second book. Tebow’s gotta Te-bag everything that’s legal and consenting. And video tape it. And have Swedish midgets involved. And electric eels. And a Masai dude with a sword who narrates the nasty in a Scottish accent. And then Tebow puts it on the Internet for free. And then he wins a Super Bowl and the MVP.

But, most importantly, he’ll have gotten laid.

  FOLLOW MIKE SPRY ON TWITTER!

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Headshots: Celebrities That Cure
Headshots: Weiner for Mayor 
Headshots: Drugs for Politicians

Yet in some of these catalog shots you’ll see that Victoria’s Secret is using just half of Erin Heatheton and Adrina Lima’s available parts! In several pictures, they’re wearing panties — but no bra! That’s like owning two billboards and just leaving one of them blank. If Victoria’s Secret hired a consultant to do a cost-benefit analysis the first thing he or she would say is Get some bras on those girls. Goddamnit we’ve got crates full of bras here and they’re not all getting into the catalog. What is this artsy-fartsy peekaboo no-top crap. We are paying these fancy girls to model bras AND panties and I wanna see bras AND panties in every goddamn shot.

Clearly this consultant is a jerk, and we don’t need his/her advice. This topless approach to lingerie modeling works just fine for us.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Adriana Lima Isn’t Having Any of That
Miranda Kerr Is Done as a Victoria’s Secret Angel

This is a collection of 15 great stories from some of our favorite sites around the web. Those of us in the industry call it a “link dump.” We call it “Morning Dump” because it’s early and we’re immature. Click the pics to read each article.

1. THE 50 FUNNIEST COMEDIANS ON TWITTER (Complex)

2. WE HAVE A SERIES, IT’S GOOD TO BE TOP DOG AND LOVELY LADY OF THE DAY (Sports Illustrated)

3. 12 REASONS TO STOP MULTITASKING (Huffington Post)

4. 10 THINGS A GUY SHOULD KNOW WHEN TRAVELING TO NASHVILLE (Brobible)

5. PATTON OSWALT’S ‘ CLOSED LETTER TO MYSELF’ ON THIEVERY, HECKLERS AND RAPE JOKES (Uproxx)

6. VANESSA HUDGENS IN A HOT BRA AND PANTIES (Egotastic)

7. EMMA WATSON GETS FINGERED (Celeb Jihad)

8. 14 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MEET ON TWITTER (Guyism)

9. 12 CHARACTERS FROM OUR CHILDHOOD THAT WERE TOTALLY A LITTLE QUEER (Buzzfeed)

10. REALLY BAD DADS (Coed Magazine)

11. BLONDE BOMBSHELL DIOR SERRA (Tempe 12)

12. 5 TERRIBLE LESSONS WE LEARNED FROM SUPERMAN MOVIES (Cracked)

13. BIKINIS MAKE THE WORLD GO AROUND (Bro My God)

14. 11 BIKE COMMUTING MUST-HAVES (Made Man)

15. 20 INSANE SPORTS ITEMS TO BLOW YOUR $600 MILLION POWERBALL JACKPOT (Busted Coverage)

Every Sunday, TSJ rounds up some of Playboy Plus’ heavy hitters and brings them back over to you. We want you to see the world through rose-colored glasses. Ponies. Rainbows. Girls with long hair who aren’t shy. You’re welcome.

CYBERGIRL VERONICA LAVERY IS AWESOMESAUCE

 See more of Veronica HERE. 

AMATEUR MYA BARRYMORE IS SMOKIN’ HOT

See more of Mya HERE.

CYBERGIRL KIMBERLY KISSELOVICH HAS ARRIVED

See more Kimberly HERE. 

 

We live for this shit. Let’s not beat around the bush about that. We LIVE for the hilarious shit that goes down all over our feeds every day. (Maybe especially Mondays.) And this week the video crazy was at red alert. We got nutters and hooters and potty-mouthed entitled chicks at the Dunkin’. We got nudity and grave robbers. That’s why we called this week red alert. We got the gamut. It wasn’t just kittens. No sirree.

Here are our four favorite moments of Internet insanity the week threw up at us.

FLORIDA’S ASSHOLE DUNKIN’ DONUTS CUSTOMER 

This girl. Her name is Taylor Chapman and she was on one motherfuggin’ entitled mission at the donut shop last weekend.

NAKED GYMNASTICS MAN AT SUBWAY STATION 

Our question is this: How do you get to the subway station with no clothes on to begin with? Like did dude leave the house with no pants on? Or did he stealth-ditch them someplace on the way?

Turns out Mr. Scary Acrobatic on the Turnstiles Nekkid here’s a carnie who freaked out. Huh. Who’d have thunk? Everybody? Yeah. So. Anyway. Nekkid acrobat!

EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING

This is strangely satisfying. We don’t know why. Sometimes the Internet is mysterious like that.

GRAVE ROBBING? HUH 

The Elvis-lovin’ tanning addict sometimes model, Trisha “Grindhouse Barbie” Paytas maybe doesn’t know that much about necrophilia, but it’s cute how she tries to have it? Sorta cute. Funny? WTF? Mostly it’s WTF.

So yeah. NSA. Spyware. Google. The government. Barack Obama’s all up in your emails and Jesse Eisenberg’s down your pants now. And according to The Economist, the time to do anything about you showing your ass to any and all Earthlings and their pet parrots is a ship that sailed like around the time Nirvana collapsed. We’re bugged. We’re fucked. Heya privacy, nice to know you back in ye olde nineties. That was a good party.

Welcome to the new frontier, chumps.

As we type this, wealthy dweebs in California are slurping their Google food from their twirly straws and shitting their Google shits into their Google blankets and poring over every word in case we write porn, or war, or MILF, or whatever. Is there a targeted MILF ad by your browser now? Of course there is. But that’s your fault. Anyway.

What we’re trying to get at is the fact that no one ever talks about the good side of all this loss of privacy. Like, for one, knowing what kind of business people are letting get up all over their business. How much boning is going around?

We want to know.

Like, for posterity. For science. If we’re gonna up and martyr our unique selves to the technocrats of the world the least we can get is some deets on how much action people are seeing, right?

Okay, fine. Here it is. It’s been coughed up. It’s a sex infographic based on Internet trends.

We got your sex spying back, yo.

That’s why we’re your girlfriend.

TSJ ROUNDS UP 10 OF THE HOTTEST LADY LINKS FROM SOME OF OUR FAVORITE SITES AROUND THE WEB. Click the pics to access each gallery.

1. ANNE VYALITSYNA OWNS THE BEACH IN ELLE (Complex)

2. ILKNUR MELIS DURASI IS A TURKISH HOTTIE (Bro My God)

3. THE LOVELY ELENA HOSK (Brobible)

4. JODIE GASSON TOPLESS PICTURES (Egotastic)

5. THE WOMEN OF STEEL (Gunaxin)

6. SARA RANDALL’S BAYWATCH TRAINING *NSFW (Sexy and Funny)

7. STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS GIRLFRIENDS: LINDSEY VECCHIONE (Busted Coverage)

8. WHAT IS LIZ WHITNEY’S FAVORITE FOOD (Tempe 12)

9. KATE UPTON’S ITSY BITSY WHITE BIKINI (Coed Magazine)

10. GIRLS GETTING READY (Maxim)

We started out the show today by checking out what the NSA spying program has from Andrea’s phone! It’s a gold mine of nudity, seriously.

We also talked on the phone with Mr. Skin (as we do every Thursday), and he had a lot of naked bombs to drop on us this week. Game of Thrones won’t be on for another nine months, so we’ll have to say goodbye to many sets of wonderful breasts. An old film from the thirties features a previously undiscovered Gretta Garbo nip slip! And finally, check out Mr. Skin’s website to check out his 69 weirdest movie nudity scenes. If the first few are any indication, it’s gonna be a trip and a half. We will still miss Game of Thrones the most, though.

From there, we talked on the phone with jilted Playboy Robot, who was none too happy about being bumped from the show yesterday. So, do as the robot says and send us your intro on our twitter feed, and you could be on TV! Your mom will be so proud.

We also Sex-i-fied another dad’s tie, and got a summer straw slurping tip from our sun goddess, Erika.

Our guest today was none other than B-Real, the famous rapper from the group Cypress Hill, to talk about their upcoming tour with 311and his television station breal.tv.

We also brought in 4 sexy ladies by the names of Canon, Dani, Jade, and Lindsey to play a game we like to call “B-Real… or Be Fake?” In this game, we had these four lovely ladies get in varying degrees of nudity and guess which breasts were all natural, and which were “enhanced.” In the end, they were all enhanced! And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Playboy did a little shoutout to all the beautiful Playmates and Cybergirls this week and asked them to get their Miami Beach burlesque vibe going this #FriskyFriday to celebrate the premiere of a new season of Magic City.

What Playboy asks for Playboy gets, and today, trussed up in their bestest foxy beachware, we bring you a hot assortment of vintage-inspired babes for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy this week’s hommage to a time when everyone was a little softer to the touch, to a time when what you saw was what you got.

Want to take part in today’s #FriskyFriday and be featured on Playboy.com? Tweet your photo directly to @PlayboyDotCom on Twitter!

Every week Playboy asks Playmates, models and random hot girls to submit their sexiest photos via Twitter using the hashtag #FriskyFriday. They then filter through the girls to see which ones encompass the Playboy brand the best. Those who make the cut will make it to this page and are one step closer to becoming the weekly #FriskyFriday winner judged by Playboy staff.

CHECK OUT THE PERPETUAL, EVER-RENEWING BOUNTY OF SEXY SELFIES
ALL THE SEXY LONG DAY OVER AT PLAYBOY.COM

CHECK OUT THE PERPETUAL, EVER-RENEWING BOUNTY OF SEXY SELFIES
ALL THE SEXY LONG DAY OVER AT PLAYBOY.COM

Man Crush of the Week: Gary Neal

Gary Neal sounds like a character in a short story.

Gary Neal grabbed his briefcase and kissed his wife goodbye on the way out the door. He walked to his Camry and drove to the AT&T Arena and dropped 24 points on the Miami Heat in the 2013 NBA Finals. He drove home and found the door was locked. He shouted, pounded on the door, tried to force it with his shoulder, and then, looking in at the windows, saw that the place was empty.

But it turns out Gary Neal plays for the San Antonio Spurs, which is perfect since they’re the most anonymous great team we’ve ever seen and probably ever will.

And of course Gary Neal has the perfect Spurs back-story too. He played at La Salle and Towson University, neither of which I have any idea where they are located. He wasn’t drafted so he went to the basketball haven of Turkey, then Spain, Italy, Spain again and then was invited to play for the Spurs summer league team in 2010 and finally earned a spot on an NBA roster.

Then Game 3 of the Finals rolls around and Gary Neal turned into Reggie Miller. He basically went off, hitting 6-10 from behind the arc, including an actually relevant buzzer-beater at the end of the first half to put the Spurs up six. He finished with 24 points, 4 rebounds and 3 assists and two wins away from a championship.

It’s sort of impossible to get really excited about the Spurs. But I can definitely get excited about a guy named Gary Neal taking down a man with ‘Chosen 1’ tattoo.

Douchebag of the Week: New England Patriots

The Patriots are one of the best franchises of the 21st century. They’re a great team and have continued to be for you. You know you will end up watching Patriot games this year. And perhaps deep into the playoffs. And maybe even in the Super Bowl.

So they had to go out and sign Tim Tebow and make sure we hear about him doing literally nothing on the football field for the next year. He’s barely going to play. And yet ESPN will talk about him every single Patriots game. And can you imagine if he makes the Super Bowl in New York this year? He would be a bigger story than Tom Brady.

And we were so close to getting rid of Tebow too. I really thought he might go unsigned, go play in another country or just retire to be groomed as a Republican presidential nominee. We were so close. And now he’s on the one team that guarantees him the maximum amount of publicity.

Part of me thinks this is all an evil Bill Belichick plan to use him as some sort of diversion from sinister plans. How could he be doing anything suspect with the next coming of Jesus Christ on the team.

While I’m interested to see how Ron Gronkowski and Tebow attempt to even exchange words, this has the makings of a disaster. Just wait. It’s almost for certain Tebow will doing something great in the playoffs and extend his NFL life infinitely.

FOLLOW SCOTT BOLOHAN ON TWITTER: @SCOTTBOLOHAN

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Yasiel Puig VS. Justin Bieber
Sacramento Kings Fans VS. Bryce Harper
4 Things Celebrities Do to Piss People Off 

Attention must be paid.

After all, Nicole Richie is now 31. Paris Hilton is 32. Kim Kardashian is 32 with a pregnant bubble-stomach to match her famous bubble butt. Who are the new generation of celebrity offspring?

You have to give it up for Francesca Eastwood (19), Ireland Baldwin (18), Shayne Murphy (18), and Bria Murphy (23 — Methuselah!). Francesca has a reality TV show, Mrs. Eastwood & Company, while Ireland, Shayne, and Bria are all models.

You can debate who is hottest here, but you have to conclude it’s a tie between Bria and Shayne or you’re just wrong. Sorry, but you can’t argue against science.

A better question is, who has the scariest dad? Is it Clint? If photographer Tyler Shields (her boyfriend) goofs and gets Francesca knocked up, will he have to deal with this?

On the other hand, Alec Baldwin is kind of a total psycho. How would you like this: “First prize is you get to date my daughter. Second prize is you get out of her life. Third prize is I kill you.”

Eddie Murphy — he’s a good guy, made some funny movies 20 years ago, but come on. If Eddie Murphy gets on your case, just remind him of The Adventures of Pluto Nash, or THIS:

Yeah, you can’t really fear/respect Eddie Murphy after that.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Frances Bean Cobain Is Awesome Hot
Ireland Baldwin Is Kim Basinger’s Daughter, No Doubt About It

This is a collection of 15 great stories from some of our favorite sites around the web. Those of us in the industry call it a “link dump.” We call it “Morning Dump” because it’s early and we’re immature. Click the pics to read each article.

1. 30 CONVERSATIONS TO AVOID ON A FIRST DATE (Complex)

2. GREATEST CELEBRATION EVER, TESTICULAR FORTITUDE AND LOVELY LADY LINK ROUNDUP (Sports Illustrated)

3. CHEERIOS PARODY RESPONDS TO THE HATERS (Huffington Post)

4. 99 SYNONYMS FOR HAVING SEX .. IN BALLAD FORM (Brobible)

5. THE TEN MOST VALUABLE T.V. CHARACTERS (Gunaxin)

6. TAYLOR SWIFT WHITE DECKED OUT HOTNESS FOR FRAGRANCE AWARDS (Egotastic)

7. KANYE ACCUSED OF CHEATING ON KIM KARDASHIAN (Celeb Jihad)

8. 22 MUST-SEE HILARIOUS PHOTOS (Guyism)

9. THERE’S A CAT NAMED MORRIS RUNNING FOR MAYOR IN MEXICO (Buzzfeed)

10. THE 7 SEXIEST LOIS LANES OF ALL-TIME (Coed Magazine)

11. WHAT IS GINA VAIA DOING ON THE WEEKENDS (Tempe 12)

12. 4 WAYS TO HOLD THE DOUCHIEST WEDDING OF ALL TIME (Cracked)

13. SUMMER HAS STARTED TO GIVE US TAN LINES (Bro My God)

14. 7 WALLET-FRIENDLY SUMMER DATES (Made Man)

15. SONY’S FULL PRESS CONFERENCE IN FIVE MINUTES OF CONDENSED HILARITY (Unreality)

IF THE WORLDLY CREATOR had wanted civil society to engage in sordid and sloppy affairs known as ménage à trois, he would have created all men with two peckers immune to every unfortunate occurrence from the common cold to a nuclear holocaust, a floating jaw, and the uncanny ability to maintain an glass cuttin’ hard-on for more than fifteen minutes without huffing hard liquor gasses or cramming prostate-numbing narcotics up the old sphincter.

And while we are happy to report that there are many legions of the sleazy bastard still feverishly on the prowl within this degenerate nation of ours, we were shocked, however, to learn that the majority of white bread civilization does not have any experience when it comes to having a threesome, much less a working knowledge of the brass ball in-and-outs of inciting a full blown sleazy threesie.

You see, unlike the common, all-American, household threesome, the sleazy threesie flirts with more of a sure thing by incorporating a slightly skankier version of that high budget porn actress that you’ve had bent over the left anterior cingulate cortex of your brain ever since you were old enough to start stealing your dad’s Playboy collection. Toss in a case of beer and a complete disregard for both standards and inhibition and you got yourself the meanest goddamned sleazy threesie ever witnessed by even the most decedent community of trailer park goons and two-for-one prostitutes.

So, if you have aspirations of luring more than one woman at a time into your filthy bed, we suggest that you lower your standards and utilize the following tips to help you make it all happen.

1. Boning Besties:
The Beer-Bellied Charmer 

You will not a find a better opportunity to stretch the moral fiber of your altar boy upbringing and commit unspeakable acts of neck slobbering carnage with two girls at one time quite like you will with a couple of best friends. These girls are typically inseparable, and they share everything from their checkered tales of sexual depravity, right down to their fantasy of double-teaming some young stud that they just picked up at the local tavern.

The trick here is to not give all of your focus to just one of the girls. You have to lure them both in with a high level of charm and convince these curious kittens to spend the remainder of the evening with you

Now, if you happen to be blessed with dashing good looks and the body of an Abercrombie model, you may find that capturing the attention of some sleazy threesie prospects is not that difficult of a task. But for the mutt majority of the short, bald and beer-bellied, lots of booze and bullshit will have to work. Be interesting – be charming – be polite, but don’t be too eager.

Regardless of the situation, remember, your ultimate goal is not to immediately sell the girls on the idea of rolling around naked with you, but to simply get their asses to a more private location where you can eventually go in with both balls blazin’.

2. It’s Party Time:
Wild Turkey and the Power Ballad Aphrodisiac

If the sleazy bastard gets this far, he should know that the hard part is over – and while there still remains quite a bit of room for a guy to ruin his chances of giving his new female friends the old Jack Tripper treatment, there isn’t much under these circumstances that some patience and subtle determination will not conquer.

Seriously, you will want to ensure that these girls are distracted from the rest of the world, while making them feel as comfortable and in control as humanly possible.

Also, give the girls the power to establish the overall vibe of the entire wicked scene by allowing them to select their favorite music from the extensive collection of eighties hair metal cassettes that you should have stashed somewhere in close proximity to a couple of dragon statuettes and a vintage Iron Maiden mirror that was won in a game of Flukey Ball during some redneck carnival back in 1988.

Hey, don’t laugh! There is no better aphrodisiac than turning up an analog playlist of pretty boy, power ballads complete with screeching guitar solos for showing off those air guitar chops of yours and bullshit lyrics for sing-a-long time with the ladies. Remember, the most important aspect for creating the ideal atmosphere for a sleazy threesie is to make sure everyone gets ripped out of their minds and is having a good time.

3. It’s Time to Get Sleazy:
Caligula and the Two Whores

Even the most inexperienced sleazy bastard must be able to determine when the time is right to start getting, well, sleazy.

Rest assured, you will know the time is right for transitioning this little social orgy of yours into the triple-X spectrum of sleaze the moment the whole twisted affair starts to appear as if you are governing a couple of sex slaves like a ravenous Emperor of the Roman Empire suffering from complications of advanced neurosyphilis.

However, regardless of your Caligula-esque instincts, it is best to allow your new pets to make the first move, as you always want to give them a sense of security and make them feel that every despicable move they make is essentially their idea. Yet it is crucial to never lose sight that your objective here is to have sex with two women – not just one. So, be sure to keep slinging the same amount of attention and bullshit with respect to both girls in your madcap attempt to make them both your pillow ornaments by sunrise.

It is worth mentioning that even the worst possible case scenario in your pursuit of the sleazy threesie will result in one hell of a good time – so just go for it!

Follow Mike Adams and his journey into the uncircumcised mind of the sleazy bastard on Twitter @adamssoup!

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Sexy Ads: Threesomes, Bouncing Boobs, and Wet Dreams 
Ask TSJ: “World of Warcraft” Sex?  
The 5 Most Awesome Ménage à Trois of All Time 

Leanne is one gorgeous (and tall!) glass of water! This six foot beauty shares some of her favorite things about her figure, her affinity for vintage video games, and what nickname she earned in school for being exceptionally tall!

What is your hometown and where do you live now?
I was born and raised in Barrington, Illinois. I currently live in Phoenix, AZ with my two dogs, Odie and Lucky!

Measurements/Vitals
I’m tall… VERY tall… With a randomly hourglass figure! I’m 6′ tall, 140 lbs, blonde hair, blue eyes, 34D-24-36. I have a German and Irish background.

Where have we seen your modeling?
I go by “Leanne Leanne” — the model so nice, they named her twice! You may have seen me onPlayboy.com’s top 10 girls of Scottsdale’s casting call photos. I was a dark brunette then, in tiny bright yellow lingerie! And if you were lucky and had a good eye, you might have seen me as one of the body painted girls at Hugh Hefner’s Mid-Summer Night’s Dream party at the Playboy Mansion last year! I would have been the tallest girl at the party, body painted in black lingerie with painted on stalkings — very cute! Otherwise, my work (statues, paintings, photographs) is featured in numerous art galleries, books, and calendars across the country!

Anything awesome you have bragging rights to?
The thing I am MOST proud of is… being a championship Galaga player! Yes, Galaga, the table top video arcade game from the ’80s! I started playing Galaga when I was about six years old and as an adult, I actually own a vintage table top Galaga arcade machine of my very own! My current record is level 123 with 986,000 points! I would love to challenge anyone to a Galaga match, especially somebody who was really good!

On a first date, what things can win a guy major points with you? What things will make you never see him again?
The BEST thing I guy could do on a first date to WOW me would be to share an incredibly embarrassing yet hilarious story of something totally random that happened to him. I love men that are completely random and unique who can find humor in awful situations! Also, the geekier, the better… Bring it on! Did I mention I’m single?

The things that would make me never want to see him again would have to be pretty downright awful. No racists, child molesters, murderers, convicted felons, animal abusers or men with hot tempers who use the excuse that women “know how to push their buttons” as a reason to have an angry outburst.

Also, if he chews his food with his mouth open, that would probably be a no-go for me!

What do you perceive as the sexier things about yourself?
The sexiest thing about myself is my stomach and hopefully my sense of humor! Some guys might think it’s sexy that I consider myself just a sweet, typical girl trapped in a seductresses’ curvacious body! I have no idea how that happened, but I’m going with it!

Who inspires you?
Lucille Ball is my idol! She was such a beautiful, confident woman who wasn’t afraid to make a fool of herself for the sake of comedy. I admire her fully and completely.

What were you like in school?
I was that tall, awkward ugly duckling in school. My pants were never long enough for me, which earned me the nickname, “High-Waters.” I was a sweet, shy kid… And I still feel like a sweet, shy kid!

“The BEST sex/relationship-wise advice I could give guys would be ACT LIKE A CAVEMAN.”

What is your sex and relationship advice for guys?
The BEST sex/relationship-wise advice I could give guys would be ACT LIKE A CAVEMAN. I’m half joking, but more half serious. Women are into men who are confident, dominant, independent and take what they want when they want it. And don’t ever drink soy milk. Just take my word on that one.

I’m the ideal woman because…
I’m the ideal woman because I find this question hard to answer

The sexiest sports icon is:
Jake Gyllenhaal playing basketball in my driveway.

Where can we keep up with you online?
FACEBOOK
MODEL MAYHEM

THE FREUDIAN SLIP has happened to all of us and most of the time, it chooses to happen at the most inopportune time, like saying “boobs” instead of “books” during a business meeting or shaking hands with someone named Virginia and renaming them “Vagina.”

It was named after Sigmund Freud, not because he liked to wear sexy slips under his suit (although we wouldn’t put it past his kinky ass) but because it was he who theorized that this type of thing occurs when our subconscious is fucking with us. These Freudian slips of the tongue is really our secret wishes and desires interfering into our every day conversation with the Subway chick while she puts mayo on your five-dollar foot-long sandwich.

Regardless if these are just accidents or truly a peek into our perverted super-ego, as with everything else, it’s hilarious when it’s happening to someone else.

Here’s five Freudian slips we can all analyze… and by “analyze” we mean laugh and point at.

REPORTER’S FREUDIAN SLIP

FREUDIAN SLIPS

THE ULTIMATE NEWS FREUDIAN SLIPS SUPERCUT

POLITICAL FREUDIAN SLIPS

HILARIOUS FREUDIAN SLIP UPS

Not bad, right? Kate just turned 21 on Tuesday, so she’s totally legal for that date at the fancy wine bar you’ve been planning. And she’s in a movie co-starring Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, and Kate’s own breasts, as we saw just last week. (Although her seeming return to the Victoria’s Secret catalog turned out to be a sleazy move that pissed her off.) Things are going well for Kate, which is good news for all of us.

Oh, and Sports Illustrated also shot 360-views of Nina Agdal and Ariel Meredith, which on any other day might have been headline news. But Kate trumps all. Enjoy the stills:

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Kate Upton’s 30 Boobiest Pictures from the Set of ‘The Other Woman’
Nina Agdal’s Unreleased SI Outtakes Are Nothing But Good News

BASEBALL IS HOME to some of the best traditions in all of sports, ones that have help to shape the game into American’s ever-enduring past time. Here’s a list of nine traditions that make baseball baseball:

1. The Ceremonial First Pitch

Feels like an appropriate place to start this list — the ceremonial first pitch is a bonanza for all lovers of schadenfreude, as more often than not the “pitchers” can’t even get the ball to the plate, let alone over it. The ceremonial first pitch was started by President Taft in 1910 and has since remained a great excuse to get any politician or reality TV star or Justin Bieber out to your game to make a fool of themselves.

2. Unregulated Field Dimensions

Most other major sports have defined the size of the playing surface, but not baseball, outside of the 90 feet between bases and the 60 feet 6 inches from the mound to the plate, there are no rules governing anything about the dimensions of your ballpark. Teams can place the home run fence as far away or as close as they like, make foul territory any size they want, they can build hills in center field, make one wall 37 feet high, put corners wherever they please.

It makes each park unique and creates a genuine home field advantage.

3. Paying for Baseball Food
Assembly-Line Style

Nothing says baseball like getting the guy four seats down to pay for your peanuts and cracker jacks, and knowing your change will make it back with the food. It really is like stepping back in time or turning back the clocks or whatever other clichés exist to say “felt like old times.” Which is kind of sad in a way, that people not stealing from you simply because they have the opportunity to should be considered a thing of the past, but whenever it happens it feels like old times.

4. Dugout Pranks

Maybe it’s the 162-game schedule, maybe its all the back-to-back games, but no one has as much fun with their teammates as ball players. Whether it’s a hot foot, or bubble gum on the hat or a shaving cream pie in the face during a post-game interview, these guys love to mess with one another and the TV cameras are always happy to capture the moment.

5. The Curtain Call

Football has the touchdown dance and in basketball allows you to poster-ize your opponent, but only in baseball will the crowd demand the player keep celebrating. One of the great traditions of the game when a homerun or great pitching performance leads to an ovation that will only be quieted by the player stepping out of the dugout to salute the crowd saluting him.

6. Throwing the ball back
at Wrigley

The bleacher bums at Wrigley Field in Chicago started one of the best—some say dumbest—traditions, that of throwing home run balls hit by the opposing team back onto the field. Because when somebody gives you garbage, you throw it back at them! And when 30,000 people are chanting “Throw it Back! Throw it Back!” at you, you do as you’re told.

7. The Seventh Inning Stretch

There are few if any other sports out there—Cricket takes time out for tea and cucumber sandwiches—that knows it so long and potentially boring that they organize exercises for the fans. But baseball sun ironically cracks out its beloved 7th inning stretch at every game. It’s also feels like an admission that those stadium seats are horribly uncomfortable, so much so that it’s best if you stretch after a few hours in one.

8. Entrance Music for Relief Pitchers

Usually the exclusive provenience of fighters, and sports entertainers, somehow relief pitchers have managed to get themselves into the entrance music game. And good on them cause it’s great. When you’re in the home ballpark and you hear the first few notes of your closer’s music, it sends chills down the spine, and voices to the rafters, or thunder sticks clapping. Wild Thing!

9. Rally Caps

What do you do when your team is down late in the game and in need of a comeback? Why turn you hat inside out, of course. It may sound crazy to some—and it kind of is—but baseball players and fans have been doing it for years. And even though the results have been mix—by no means do all rally cap-wearing teams rally—there remains a belief among some that the rally caps are helpful. They’re also a great excuse to be silly-looking, which might help explain their longevity.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
5 Reasons Americans Will Never Watch Soccer 
The 10 Most Ugly-Ass Sports Uniforms