The lumbering masses of the undead might not have the brains they so desperately seek for massive consumption, but they aren’t stupid, that is if you define stupid by either the usual level of human intelligence or the minimal amount it takes to run, say, a rurally located Arby’s or a major political party’s financial records.
They might not be able to recite The Gettysburg Address except for Abraham Lincoln’s famous opening “grunts,” but they still have very sharp senses that can detect the slightest movements and the awesome power of teamwork. If one zombie hears, sees or smells you, you can bet your severed ass that the rest of the horde will pounce on you like a lion subduing a honey baked ham.
All it takes is one incredibly stupid move and you’re nothing but human Spam in a walking corpse’s digestive tract.
Here are four of the dumbest moves ever in zombie movie history…
Wichita and Little Rock Turn On the Amusement Park in Zombieland
When you’re stuck in the wasteland of an unholy apocalypse in which man turns on his fellow man to make him into a literal “Manwich,” you need something else to occupy your mind other than working on your head shots or finding the best brand of pick axe to crack a human skull.
The film’s plucky female duo are hoping to find a little fun around their world of fear by gaining full reign of a huge amusement park that pales in comparison to cool places like Disney World and just looks like a really clean Six Flags.
What Went Wrong?
When they cranked up the generator and turned the place on, they basically alerted every zombie in a 200 mile radius to the fact that fresh meat was roaming the park. They might as well have just taken out a local want ad that said, “Wanted: 10,000 flesh eating cannibals to finish a free buffet of two helpless, lighty armed women. Please apply at Pleasure Plaza. PS: No fatties.”
Leaving Two Dorks in Charge of the Warehouse in Return of the Living Dead
Jobs might be in short supply these days, but even the least important ones shouldn’t go to just any old schmoe with too much time on his hands and no reason to get up in the morning for something other than scoring lithium.
The two warehouse foremen in this goofy zombie spinoff accidentally unleash the toxin that creates a zombie outbreak and one of the most gruesome looking walking corpses since the last Rolling Stones tour.
What Went Wrong?
Who knows how these two completely unqualified and hammy blue collar bimbos got their jobs? Maybe they got tired of eating things for quarters at the bowling alley or testing horse tranquilizers for health insurance. That’s still not a solid enough resume to merit handling a deadly chemical that can wipe out the whole of humanity. It makes us wonder just who’s working at NORAD. It’s probably the pizza guy our local Domino’s fired for delivering us a pie that had either a giant spider or a very aggressive pepperoni on it.
Dr. West bringing Dr. Hill back to life in Re-Animator
We’re all for the advancement of scientific discovery and testing the physical limits of the human body, but there are some experiments and breakthroughs that no man needs science to complete for them like developing a more efficient cheese injector or building the world’s first hybrid car that runs on gas, electricity and the blood of spotted owls.
This Stuart Gordon classic pits the film’s anti-hero Dr. West against the conniving Dr. Hill who tries to horn in on West’s rejuvination juice just as West kills him with a shovel and splits his head clean off like a tube of Karo-syrup toothpaste.
What Went Wrong?
Instead of just letting Hill die, West injects his undead head with a huge dose of his syrum and, because he gave the part with the brain the good stuff, Hill gets his revenge and then some. The last thing the world needs is another rambling talking head with a reckless agenda. And this was BEFORE Fox News.
Don Kissing his Infected Wife in 28 Weeks Later
The survivors in this zombie-esque reimaginging of the genre make a lot of mistakes because their and the audience’s reactions are based on pure fear and we all know that fear is to sound judgment what gasoline is to a small helpless baby that’s on fire.
When the infected rush in to Don’s barricaded home, fear takes over and Don takes off leaving his wife behind in a fevered fit of frantic running. Then he rediscovers her in an underground barricade, safe and sound on a hospital bed. In one of the film’s few tender moments, he kisses her.
What Went Wrong?
Don screwed up by trying to have a tender moment with his wife and kissing her. Since she’s unaffected by the virus and possibly the key to bringing the epidemic to an end, she passes the disease on to her husband in the worst way possible (without having actual sex), infecting him and the rest of the military bunker with the insidious illness. Horror movies aren’t ever supposed to have tender moments because their vulnerability eventually leads to abject horror and the destruction of humanity. They are cinematic barbiturates, only with less impaired judgment.