DC Comics announced not too long ago that they would have one of their major characters reveal himself/herself as gay.
Then they up and told us it was Green Lantern. Well, one of the Green Lanterns, anyway. Not the Ryan Reynolds one (although—not to sell Reynolds short or anything—he did look pretty gay in that costume), the Alan Scott one.
So there it is. DC Comics has caught up with the rest of society.
But we have a hunch that they’re not done yet. DC Comics hasn’t gotten this much non-movie related attention in years. They’re way behind other media in terms of gay saturation. They must catch up. We thinks another superhero in their stable will become gay eventually. It’s only a matter of time.
So naturally we did some handicapping to determine who that might be.
One caveat: Just because a character was married or portrayed in some other manner as being exclusively heterosexual at a previous point in one of their storylines means nothing. Comic book characters don’t stick to one linear storyline forever. After their back story is established, it can get capricious. They get rebooted, retconned, and refitted with new storylines and different character traits all the time that are often times totally unrelated to the previous ones.
Just saying. Now the list.
ALSO KNOWN AS: The man of steel. We all know the back story: Sent from the dying planet Krypton as a baby only to crash-land on Earth and be raised as Clark Kent by a kindly old farming couple. He’s invulnerable to everything except kryptonite, which ipso facto makes every one of his adventures revolve around kryptonite.
WOULD HE DO YOU? We thinks there’s too much tradition behind the man of steel for DC to go that far. If DC was headed by Larry Flynt, or Perez Hilton, now that would be a different story.
ALSO KNOWN AS: Forensic scientist Barry Allen, who got struck by a lightning bolt and can now run fast enough to violate the laws of physics. Despite being well-known, The Flash has never had a major motion picture been made about him because, honestly, being super-fast is like the futon of superpowers—awesome for about a week, then not so much.
WOULD HE DO YOU? And the best part would be that he’s so fast you wouldn’t even know it happened. Come to think of it, The Flash could be flash-raping you right now.
ALSO KNOWN AS: Batman’s sidekick, and that’s pretty much it. Robin never gets much love in the DC universe, and frankly that’s fine by us.
Would He Do You? Probably not. We think he’s totally gay, but we’re also assuming he has low self-esteem because he knows he sucks (pun), and is too afraid to ask you back to his place.
ALSO KNOWN AS: The modern-day Robin Hood, except maybe also loves cock. Green Arrow was once a “spoiled billionaire” named Oliver Queen who, while on a sailing trip, was betrayed and left for dead on a deserted island. It was there that he survived by mastering the bow and arrow and decided to dedicate his life to overthrowing the evil corporate machine that he used to represent.
WOULD HE DO YOU? It’s entirely possible that the name Oliver Queen was DC’s double-entendre way of tipping us off, and that they’d been planning this whole thing for a long time, but we don’t really see it with Green Arrow. Just a hunch.
ALSO KNOWN AS: The king of the seven seas. The rightful heir to the throne of Atlantis. He can communicate with all aqua marine life and control the oceans. Of all the DC superheroes, Aquaman would be the easiest for us to just sit back and make fun of. So here it goes…
WOULD HE DO YOU? The guy spends a lot of his time under the sea, which means one of two things: either he’s got a mountain of repressed sexual energy he’s waiting to use, or he’s already figured out a way to use it. Flip a coin.
ALSO KNOWN AS: The only black guy in DC’s superhero arsenal. If this was all one big 80s teen movie, his job would be to smile, stay out of the conversation, and say thing like ‘Daaamn!’ and ‘That is whack!’. Cyborg was once a star high school athlete who suffered a serious injury from participating in one of his father’s scientific experiments.
To make amends, his father replaced his defective body parts with robotic ones, giving him superhuman speed, strength, endurance, and the ability to interface with every computer on the planet.
WOULD HE DO YOU? The guy is half machine, so if it was Cyborg coming out of the closet we assume DC would have a hard time finding Mr. Right for him unless they were able to introduce another half-man/half-machine like Darth Vader or Robocop to take him to The Enchantment Under The Sea dance.
ALSO KNOWN AS: DC’s lamest creation. Plastic Man looks like something somebody invented just to make fun of Mister Fantastic. He was once a petty crook named Patrick O’Brian who, after a heist gone wrong, got doused in chemicals that gave him the ability to both stretch and can morph into just about anything.
But he’s like DC’s version of Doink the Clown. There’s nothing really serious or political about him, which is probably why you’ve never heard of him. Well, that and nobody reads comic books anymore.
WOULD HE DO YOU? Judging by his costume…yes. Holy jeebus, yes. This guy is so gay he sheds glitter.
ALSO KNOWN AS: The guy Shaq played in that one movie that made us all like Shaq less. No wait, that was KAZAAM. Nevermind. SHAZAAM! is actually one of DC’s oldest creations—a boy named Billy Batson who meets an ancient wizard who grants him the power to turn into an adult superhero with all the usual superhero perks (ability to fly, super strength, sexually suggestive uniform) just by saying the word SHAZAAM!.
WOULD HE DO YOU? Well, that’s kind of a dicey question in the case of SHAZAAM!, seeing as how his alter-ego is a 12 year old boy. So that means he would have to permanently be in his super-hero state of adulthood to get married & stuff.
ALSO KNOWN AS: The Dark Knight. Enough said.
WOULD HE DO YOU? Doubtful. We’d be willing to bet that Warner Brothers has some kind of contract clause with DC that prevents them from messing with the Batman character before their current franchise run with Christian Bale is over with.
ALSO KNOWN AS: The lesser-known sidekick of Batman. Batgirl’s real name is Barbara Gordon, aka commissioner Gordon’s daughter. She became a superhero out of spite when her father forbad her from joining Gotham’s police force. She survived being portrayed by Alicia Silverstone. No big deal.
WOULD SHE DO YOU, LADIES? Hmmm. Goes all vigilante because of daddy issues. Chosen career path involves beating up on dudes. Coincidence? Probably. Little known fact—DC actually already had a character come out of the closet three years ago. Her name was Batwoman, but she’s not considered a ‘major’ character. She’s technically not the same person as Batgirl, and we don’t think they’ll tap the Gotham well, again, but you never know.
ALSO KNOWN AS: The creature who can control every plant organism on the planet, the same way Magneto controls metal. He walks on two feet, but is made of vegetation and can grow himself into any kind of flora due to a freak accident while trying to synthesize a top secret chemical for the government deep in his marshland lab.
WOULD HE DO YOU? No way. If we were gay, we’d be none too pleased if the powers that be decided on Swamp Thing to be the next guy to join the ranks. Congrats guys, we picked the most hideous-looking character possible! No offense to Swamp Thing, but c’mon. DC doesn’t want that kind of backlash.
ALSO KNOWN AS: Diana, princess of Themyscira. She’s the original American feminist pop icon, and the original comic book jerk-off material. Chosen by her own race of female amazons to travel to Earth to fight evil and injustice with a golden lasso of truth and an invisible airplane.
WOULD SHE DO YOU, LADIES? Growing up with a bunch of amazons, it’s either that or she suffers from the same repressed sexual rage from Aquaman and sees no way to alleviate it but to bang a bunch of dudes.
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