Trailer Park: Like Sunday School, With Flamethrowers

In this week’s Trailer Park, we get a lesson in Catholic history, a lesson in World War II history, and a lesson in attempted robbery. And to think, none of that stuff’s taught in our public schools.

Kids, if you’re reading this from home today playing hooky, I commend you. Not only are you showing a patriotic spirit of self-reliance and independent thinking, unafraid to eschew the conformist education offered to your peers and do some real learning on your own, you’re probably high right now and also watching Oprah. Which sounds awesome. Today’s blog post is essentially worth 4 community college credits, with all the heady historical stuff we’re dealing with, so crack open those laptops and get a real education with your weekly Trailer Park.

30 Minutes or Less
Jesse Eisenberg, Danny McBride, Aziz Ansari, Nick Swardson, Michael Pena

Look at that star-studded cast! Mark Zuckerberg, Kenny Powers, that gay robot from Comedy Central, Tom Haverford and Michael Pena, also known as the funniest dude from Observe and Report. And this looks pretty funny, but not for-the-love-of-God-please-take-me-to-a-hospital-I-literally-can’t-breathe-from-laughing-too-hard-I-may-have-broken-a-rib-gasping-out-this-sentence funny, you know? Which is the kind of funny America needs right now.

Actually, what America needs right now is a movie about the guy who killed Osama Bin Laden, and we need it next week. How many studio heads, do you think, are in high-pressure meetings at this very second trying to get Aaron Sorkin to adapt his story? The answer is five, five studio heads, and that guy’s life rights are gonna sell for $100 million, and good for him. I was talking about this with one of my editors on the way in this morning. That guy is gonna get his finger bronzed, and put on a marble pedestal in the White House, with an inscription that reads “THE FINGER THAT WON THE WAR ON TERROR.” U-S-A! U-S-A!

There Be Dragons
Wes Bentley, Derek Jacobi, Charlie Cox, Rodrigo Santoro

You know what was great about Doubt, that 2008 movie where Phillip Seymour Hoffman diddles altar boys, or something? Besides the breathtaking performances and Oscar-worthy screenplay? NOTHING, because it completely lacked explosions. Violence is a huge part of Catholic history- not that, uh, child abuse isn’t- and here’s a new film that acknowledges it, by placing itself in the midst of the Spanish Civil War. It’s like Church you can pay attention to!

Age of Heroes
Sean Bean, Danny Dyer, Rosie Fellner

Hope your girlfriend likes war flicks, because if she’s not seeing this with you, she can forget right now about making you see Sex and the City 7: Cougar Heaven with her. Even if she uses sex as a weapon. Especially if she uses sex as a weapon. If you can mentally masturbate to Katherine Heigl for 2 hours every time a cute new romantic comedy comes out that all her friends have seen and you’re being such an asshole right now seriously we’re seeing 27 Dresses, she can drift off while you watch World War II commando units kick general ass and become the 30 men that inspired the SAS. Fair, right?

She’s gonna say no, and you’re gonna end up Netflixing this. Sucks, bro. Sucks.