We may run a lighthearted ship around here, but don’t be fooled. Underneath the exterior of jokes and scantily clad women beats the heart of a warrior hellbent on vanquishing any and all enemies in our path. But the hard labor that is updating a website all day leaves us very little time to dish out the hardcore vengeance we so lust after. So, we came up with a new plan.
Each week, we’ll use this time slot to highlight the people, places and things that actively conspire against our peace of mind. Perhaps just knowing that we’re on to their shenanigans will inspire them to change their evil ways.
Here are The Smoking Jacket’s enemies of the week.
As if skewing the minds of young girls by setting unreachable standards of beauty with her ridiculous measurements (39″/19″/33″) isn’t bad enough, now it appears Barbie is getting in on the surveillance and exploitation of minors rackets as well. The FBI recently issued a warning about a new Barbie doll that, for reasons we’ll probably never fully grasp, is outfitted with a hidden video camera.
In the hands of a small child, that’s not a big deal. Everyone knows any kid young enough to want a Barbie is likely to destroy it and the camera inside within two days of owning it. But the FBI statement warns that the toy could fall into the hands of nefarious dirt bags who might use it to produce child porn. Can’t argue with that. A Barbie with a hidden video camera is on par with a windowless van filled with Jolly Ranchers when it comes to the list of things pedophiles shouldn’t be allowed to own.
Do the right thing, Barbie, nix the video camera. And eat a goddamn sandwich. No six foot tall woman should weigh 100 pounds. Even we know that.
When Daisy, a small dog in Oregon, noticed three deer wandering around the backyard of her owner’s home, she did what any good dog would do and bolted out the door to protect her goddamn house. Rather than fleeing in terror like the gentle cartoon deer that we know and love, these jerks attacked poor Daisy with their stupid hooves and garish antlers, leaving the loyal pooch with head wounds and a punctured chest.
Look, angry deer, Daisy was just doing what dogs are supposed to do. Attacking her for doing her job is bogus as hell. How about next time, you do your job too? We don’t keep you around so you can terrorize canines. You were put on this Earth to be slaughtered by camouflage wearing Midwesterners and highway traffic so impoverished families can dine on the resulting carnage. Play your goddamn position.
Tongue Biting Wives
A Wisconsin woman is facing charges of domestic violence and the always badass sounding “mayhem” for allegedly biting off her husband’s tongue when he tried to give her a goodnight kiss.
When reached for comment, the man was speechless.
Ha! Get it? Speechless, because he didn’t have a tongue. Thanks, we’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.
As strange as this story is, the tongue biting isn’t even the most bizarre detail. When paramedics arrived on the scene, the husband and wife were singing Christmas carols. We don’t even know where to begin with the questions about that part.
But look, it’s one thing to bite your 70-year old husband’s tongue clean off. But following that up by making him sing Christmas carols? Getting our tongue lopped off by crusty old-woman teeth is just one of the hundreds of things we’d rather do than sing goddamn Christmas carols. Seriously, lady, show the guy some mercy why don’t you?
Reindeer Impaling Traffic Lights
A Christmas parade in Richmond, VA was the scene of a brutal slaughter that will likely scar several of the town’s children and less mentally competent adults for years to come. The above video catches the gory scene in shockingly crisp high definition. That’s no way to treat an inflatable beacon of Holiday happiness, you stupid traffic lights.
If your senseless act of brutality means Santa can’t find our house this year, we’re taking you out. For real.