Power Rankings: The 10 Least Surprising Scandalous Sports Stories of the Week

miami

Let me get this straight. Miami, a college football team known for doing all sorts of illegal stuff, was caught doing all sorts of illegal stuff? Get right the hell out of here!

When you are a college football program, it’s pretty much inferred you are going to do all sorts of things generally frowned upon by people who make “rules.” It’s sort of like baseball in the ‘90s. Everyone was cheating, who cares?

Sure, some guys hit a lot of home runs, and others got really good players and paid for abortions and prostitutes, but what’s the big deal? College football is like when you used your student ID for discounts way after you were out of college. Come on, you know you did. I did. Still do. Sure, it’s sort of stealing, but you feel like you’re smart enough to get away with it, so it’s perfectly okay.

Here are the least surprising scandalous stories of the stories of the week.

1. Philly wasn’t Vick’s first choice…

vick

His first choice was “anywhere they’d still let me kill dogs.” Philly was second.

2. Raiders select Terrelle Pryor in the third round…

pryor

He’ll have to serve a five game suspension, which is pretty standard for the Raiders. But the Raiders have to be thrilled. They also keep with their franchise philosophy of drafting bad players way too early.

3. Cubs fire Jim Hendry…

hendry

Other than signing Alfonso Soriano, Kosuke Fukudome, Milton Bradley and Carlos Zambrano, waiving Casey McGehee, trading Mark DeRosa, hiring Lou Piniella and Mike Quade, selling Josh Hamilton, and devastating the fan base to the lowest point in franchise history, he was a pretty mediocre GM.

4. Miami was cheating a lot…

hester

Which is amazing considering how terrible they still managed to be.

5. Tony Romo played hide and seek at bachelor party…

romo

Right as he was about to win, he dropped a vase and he lost.

6. Mike Jacobs becomes first player to test positive for HGH…

jacobs

Turns out HGH has the opposite effect of steroids for baseball players, making you into terrible minor leaguers.

7. Jim McMahon sues NFL for concussion…

When reached for comment, he drooled and attempted to moon the phone before passing out.

8. Delonte West applies to work at Home Depot…

west

Interesting since he’s mostly known as a home wrecker.

9. China bans NBA players under contract…

china

Once you owe a country billions of dollars they go around acting like they own you. I would be so excited if this ended up being some huge Communist conspiracy to bankrupt the American economy. I think I just wrote a movie.

10. Colts owner tweets about being in Brett Favre’s hometown…

irsay

With Peyton Manning hurting it’s not hard to see why the Colts would be interested. Get it? Not hard? Brett Favre took pictures of his penis.

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