This was a big week in sports, where American males crowd around the television and pretend to know about college kids whose names they’re hearing for the first time, all while Mel Kiper’s hair simply refuses to move. After dissecting every player’s 40 time, intangibles, upside, downside and makeup, the draft finally happened. And then the draft was immediately dissected and graded on each team’s intangibles, upside, downside, and makeup. There were some winners (every team according to the NFL Network), some losers (Ryan Mallett) and some losers who had winning drafts (the Lions).
Here’s who had the most upside potential this week. Click the pictures to read more about each story.
1. Cam Newton’s Dad
For a guy who was trying to sell his son to Mississippi State for a mere $180,000, imagine what Al Davis would pay to get the troubled quarterback on the Raiders.
2. That Cricket Guy Pippa Middleton is Dating
Congrats guy, you are the most famous cricket player in the world. You really hit a six with this one (that’s kind of the cricket version of home run, I Googled it). Ironically, six is about what Pippa would be if she was just a regular American girl.
3. Apparently Zach Randolph is the Greatest Play of All-Time
LeBron James is already in talks to join forces with him next year.
4. RIP Tim Duncan
One of the greatest and most boring power forwards in NBA history is now just one of the most boring power forwards in NBA history. It was a great and completely unexciting run, Tim. Enjoy a nice cold Fiji water on us.
5. The Magic Lose to the Hawks in the First Round
Despite Dwight Howard’s shoulders being bigger than the entire Hawks roster, the Magic were knocked out of the playoffs early. Don’t worry Magic fans, with a full year of Gilbert Arenas next year…actually, yeah, do worry.
6. Yankees Leak Season Ticket Holder Info
Turns out the Yankees email system has even more holes in it than Derek Jeter’s swing.
7. Derrick Rose Wins the NBA MVP Award
Odd that they’d announce it now after awarding it to him in January.
8. Pretty Much Every NHL Game Goes to Overtime
I’m pretty sure the way to sell America on hockey is not with more hockey.
9. Ozzie Guillen is Suspended for Tweeting After an Ejection
RT @baseball We hate fun and interesting people. #belikejeter
10. Roger McDowell Gets Suspended for Super Homophobic Remarks
Some of the dirtiest things said at a baseball game since every time Albert Pujols’ last name is said.