We TSJ staffers make it a priority to befriend recruiters and human resources professionals, because with the way we conduct ourselves, we could be shit-canned at any second for a litany of professional transgressions. But regardless of what you think of our sense of humor, taste in chicks or credibility regarding what’s cool on the Internet—or utter lack thereof in each of those areas—none of us would be idiotic enough to include any of the following in an introductory e-mail or cover letter.

These are actual examples of job search stupidity provided by a friend of ours who’s a professional recruiter. Some of the specifics have been changed to protect the inept, but they’re proof positive that the economy isn’t solely to blame for today’s horrendous employment statistics.

“If I could use one word to describe myself, it would be Team Player.”

“My resume speaks for itself so I will not burden you with words.”

“I have organized and conducted community service and missionary positions.”

“I work an additional 10-15 minutes per week to perform administrative responsibilities promptly and accurately.”

“I am interested in the Financial Analyst position. I currently work at Rusty’s Camper Emporium as the parking attendant.”

“I have attended Champions School of Real Estate, because I am a champion.”

“I can think and act simultaneously under intense pressure.”

“I am known and respected in New York City and surrounding area.”

“Although my grades are not the highest, I possess the ability to grasp difficult concepts rather quickly most of the time.”

“I am looking forward to further discussing my qualifications and how I can be an asset to your company. Please contact me at bigassbooty@ifailmail.com anytime.”