F*CKING UPWARDS, VOL. II
In which we examine the life and career of phenomenally mediocre men who have managed to land women infinitely hotter and far more successful.
In this Installment:
The Strange and Terrible Saga of Adriana Lima and Marko Jarić
Victoria’s Secret supermodel Lima began dating the cross-eyed, Neanderthal-browed brute in 2007, when Jarić was playing for the Minnesota Timberwolves. In 2009, Jarić convinced a presumably brainwashed and drugged Lima to elope, and later that year the half-beautiful, half-beast monstrosity known as this couple welcomed a baby girl.
Yes, Jarić is terrifyingly ugly, but it’s not like the guy is possessed of any European finesse either. Just check out this bit of game play.
You saw that video of Jarić wearing his shirt inside-out? That’s pretty much it.
Although Jarić was a star point-guard in the Italian basketball leagues, that’s a bit like being the tallest midget in the world. In short it don’t mean shit.
In the NBA, Jarić was far less impressive, averaging 7.1 points and 3.6 assists in 447 career games. Needless to say, he’s not playing in the NBA anymore, returning to the European leagues in 2009.
Possible Explanations for their Relationship
He played in the NBA? He’s tall? We’re coming up empty here.
Perhaps the language barrier has somehow convinced Lima that Jarić is a man possessed of an otherworldly genius—that he is a poet, a peacemaker, and a prophet. But no language gap can possibly be that gaping. It’s not like Lima’s native language is Klingon.
In 2006 Lima told an interviewer that she was waiting to have sex until after marriage. The idea of Jarić having to wait two full years before breaking off a piece of that does lessen the blow some.
You’re never too ugly to marry a supermodel if you’ve played in the NBA.