In this week’s extremely violent Trailer Park, a classic Hollywood action star continues to blow up and shoot things, a classic Hollywood slasher director continues to put an actor in a masked costume to play the “guess-who-just-stabbed-you” game and we get a high-def look at the bubonic plague and all the wonderful things it can do to your body. It’s your weekly Trailer Park, where what we lack in explosions we make up for in sweet, sweet one-liners.
Jason Statham, Ben Foster, Donald Sutherland
Raise your hand if you wanna see Jason Statham shoot dudes with guns and blow shit up. Now raise your other hand if you wanna see Ben Foster do the same. If you’re anything like us, you’ve got both hands in the air and you’re ready to ride the roller coaster of pain this badass film is about to deliver. Besides explosions, gunfights and snappy dialogue, it looks like this movie really steps to the plate here with an actually half-decent plot, which is saying something for a Hollywood action flick. Awesome.
Sean Bean, Eddie Redmayne, David Warner
If you’re down for a feel-good family-friendly film about the unimaginable horrors of the bubonic plague and how utterly terrible it was, this one’s for you, bro. Sean Bean plays a vicious knight who is tasked with investigating rumors of a village where the plague does no harm, and a necromancer within who claims to be able to bring people back to life. Along the way we’ll get a scenic tour of the picturesque countryside of England circa 1348, where wide-open fields and quaint old-world architecture mingle with coughed-up lungs and abandoned limbs for the best views of England this side of the Atlantic. Bring your kids, bring your wife, bring the family dog.
Neve Campbell, David Arquette, Courteney Cox Arquette
Wes Craven’s at it again with another child in the Scream family. This one promises to go all Saw on us with killings videotaped by the killer himself and more of an Internet twist to bring the franchise into 2010. There’s a scene in the trailer where two stoner-looking teens (one wearing what appears to be 3D glasses?) lecture us on how Horror film tropes have been updated for the modern age, and it’s like: yeah, this is all obvious, have you guys seen a horror flick in the last 5 years? Craven taking a whack at a more Internet-age-appropriate slasher is a good thing, but he’s not setting standards with this one.