Awwwwwyyyyeaaaaah… You know what time it is, baby? It’s 7:47 pm. Except if you live in a different time zone. But that’s not important. All that matters is the time for makin’ sweet, sweet love. Which is now, in case I wasn’t being clear.
Sorry, I’m new to this whole smooth talking thing. I just wanted to set the mood for TSJ’s sexiest feature (apart from the sexy pictures of sexy women in sexy poses which have been known to crop up here occasionally).
Beer isn’t just for raging keggers and rinsing the taste of coal mining out of your mouth. As I’ve demonstrated time and again, beer can be suave and sophisticated. Beer doesn’t need to be swilled out of a red plastic cup, but rather sipped and savored like a fine brandy. And when you’ve got your special lady* lounging on a bear skin rug next to a roaring fire, there’s no reason you shouldn’t bring out some of my specially prescribed lovemakin’ beers.
So turn the lights down low. Pump up the jam. Throw another log on the fire. Lay down a tarp. Plug in the Kitchen-aid mixer. Pull on the albino gorilla mask. And then grab two glasses to share the beers I’m about to add to your sex arsenal, playa.
And then slam her like a screen door in a hurricane.
Royal Virility Performance (7.5% ABV), by Brewdog
I make it a point to select beers for this column that a reasonable cross-section of my readership will be able to get their hands on. I figure if you’ve taken the time to read one of my reviews, you should be entitled to pick up the beer and see for yourself how wrong I was. However, I’ve selected today’s beer for the sole purpose of gloating.
A few months ago the world was swept up in the whirlwind romance of Prince Harry and his lovely bride to be. Brewdog was similarly enraptured by the pageantry and made a special beer designed to prod royal marital relations along using chocolate, horny goat weed, and herbal Viagra. Only 1,000 bottles of this single-run beer were made and I’ve got one.
The beer scientists out there will likely be wondering if the “Viagra” in this will manifest in any further arousal for the ladies too. The evidence that it does is mostly anecdotal and inconclusive. However, for all the girls I’ve been with that still had a penis, it worked like gangbusters.
Since this is a special beer, I am going to alter my usual review format a bit.
Look: Muddy amber with a thin, cratered head.
Aroma: Bright, flowery and fruity with hints of pineapple
Flavor: Herbal and spicy with a prickly mouthfeel. As it finishes I note more orange and pine needles with an oily, lingering bitterness.
Degree to which this beer rendered me a thunderous jackhammer of love: This is a tricky thing to quantify. Normally I’d just go to my wife for an objective measure of how much my legendary lovemaking prowess was augmented by this beverage, but she was still in a semi-vegetative state of bliss from our session two days earlier. I would need to somehow divine this information myself.
I thought about doing some masturbation windsprints to time my recovery period, but that seemed a bit clinical. After all, this article is supposed to be romantic. That’s why I opted to test it against MILF porn instead.
If that doesn’t sound impressive to you, it’s because you’ve become accustomed to the modern farce of MILF porn. These days the prominent MILF starlets seem to have retired their barely-legal pigtails for mere nanoseconds before the producers hurl a blouse or horn-rimmed glasses at them to age up. I’m talking real MILF porn with all of its boner-dissolving accouterments: stretch marks, crow’s feet, nagging their co-star to use a coaster for their lemonade because it will stain the finish on the table, etc.
The results: Either this beer works or I’m far sicker than even I thought.
Grade: B (for boner) +
Horny Devil (11% ABV), by AleSmith
This Belgian ale pours out a giant blanket of ivory head. The aroma is very flowery with big hits of coriander supported by candy sugar.
This beer delivers a big punch of Belgian flavors. It’s full of lemon, green apple, and pepper with an almost pixie-stick sweetness. The 11% alcohol stays pretty muted until the very end when it comes through like gangbusters. It has a spritzy effervescence to it reminiscent of champagne. The slightly funky finish grounds the experience and keeps it from becoming too sticky.
This is just straight-up world-class stuff. Truly.
A Little Sumpin’ Sumpin’ (7.5% ABV), by Lagunitas
This bright orange brew pumps up a giant, webby head. The nose is full of grapefruit, oranges and general pale ale goodness. The first sip continues that trend with a bright, citrusy flavor and spicy pepper notes. It’s full bodied with a moderate stickiness to give the whole experience that much more substance.
I say ditch the lady-friend and just do the beer. It’s that good.
* Ladies, I know this sounds sexist by only concentrating on the perspective of the fellas here. I just want you to know it wasn’t intended that way. In fact, I fully encourage you to also make love to other fine ladies on a beer-skin rug til the break’a dawn. Thank you.