Last night, this totally amazing list of resolutions showed up in our Facebook news feed via some friends posting it. We did some digging around and discovered that the buddy of a very close friend actually came across this note when he found a lost purse and searched through it to find some identification. So not only is this list quite possibly the greatest ad for the International Dermal Institute ever, but it’s also 100-percent real. Oh, and for those who are wondering, Moondoggies—in this particular instance—refers to the bar in San Diego, NOT the sexual act—although, “no Moondoggies for three more weeks” might be a good idea in both cases.
You’ve got to admire this girl’s determination. She clearly wants to (kind of) clean up her act:
1. Never call Landon again. This is probably a good idea, since we’re suspicious of anyone named Landon. Also, some cursory research revealed that Landon is in fact a bartender at the infamous Moondoggies, and it’s never a good idea to stalk the dude who tends bar at the place where you regularly behave like a drunken slut.
2. Delete # tomorrow. Our girl exhibited some real self-awareness here and wisely crossed this off of her list. She realized that although she’s planning to end all communication with Landon, that certainly doesn’t mean she’s not going to f*ck him again. What happens when she’s staggering out of Moondoggies in four weeks, wasted off her ass and craving a hot hunk o’Lando? Besides, she said never call Landon again, NOT never text Landon again.
3. No more talking about him EVER. This is an excellent plan because, while we don’t know our esteemed list-writer personally, we are quite certain that she blathered on about Landon endlessly on a regular basis, to anyone unlucky enough to end up as her audience. It most likely went something like this: “Why is Landon such an asshole? Oh my god, is he hitting on that whore over there??? Oh my god, I can’t believe what a dick he is!” And then later, slurring: “Oh MY GOD, Landon looks soooooooo hot right now.”
4. Tan. Well, duh. Thanks to Jersey Shore, everyone knows that tan people are hotter, better and just generally way more awesome than people dumb enough to sport their natural skin color. What better way to catch Landon’s attention while you’re not calling him and not talking about him?
5. Get hair done. Another excellent way to show Landon what’s up. Nothing says, “I’m hoping you catch a glimpse of me across the bar and think about banging me” like bad hair extensions.
6. Whiten teeth. See #4. Blindingly white teeth are the perfect complement to an orange face.
7. No Moondoggies for three more weeks. As we stated above, whether you’re talking about a lame sports bar filled with drunk cockbags, or peanut butter in an unmentionable orifice, a three-week break seems advisable.
8. Sex with Chris ONLY. We’re guessing that Chris is this chick’s actual boyfriend. If that’s the case, then yes, sex with him, and only him, is definitely a good plan. There’s also the possibility that she’s sleeping with multiple guys at once—Landon, Chris, Joe, Steve, Dan—in which case, we still think limiting sex to Chris is in her best interest.
9. No blow. Another admirable goal, because: Stupid + Sloppy Drunk + Cocaine = Giving Landon head in the men’s bathroom at Moondoggies.
10. Norcos only at work. Totally a good strategy. Everyone knows that prescription painkillers are a great way to make the work day fly by, however they are never a good idea at Moondoggies, when you’re already wasted, high on coke and pretending not to care about Landon.
11. Drinking only four times a week. Everything in moderation, as they say. No need to over-indulge and drink seven days a week. You’ve got to draw the line somewhere…. and for our sensible lady, that line is four days a week. We suggest Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, just for continuity’s sake. Also, those are most likely Landon’s regular shifts.
12. New clothes. A wardrobe refresher is clearly necessary since her current clothes obviously did nothing to help her lure in Landon the dreamboat bartender—not to mention she’s going to need some new skank-wear to go with her fake orange tan, super-white teeth and trashy hair extensions.
So there you have it. Forget AA—this is the 12-step program to follow. However, we are a little concerned that this girl doesn’t have her list. As one friend pointed out on Facebook: “What if she gets confused and starts to jumble things? Think of the madness that may ensue—blow four times a week, sex with Landon only, new clothes before the tan, MORE Moondoggies!” Hopefully, that’s not the case because we believe in her strategy. We also think that this girl, Landon and Chris should get their own reality TV show as soon as possible. But in the event that it all goes to hell, she can always heed the advice on her International Dermal Institute pad: Call the number. Get the info. Join the classes. Have the answers. Just don’t call Landon’s number.