Each year during the first full week of August, hundreds of thousands of revelers converge on Sturgis, South Dakota, for the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. It’s by far the largest motorcycle rally in the United States and probably the entire world, a fact we assume to be true on the grounds that Sturgis is the only motorcycle rally we can even name off the top of our heads.
If you’ve never attended a Sturgis Rally, we would definitely recommend going at least once in your life; the people watching opportunities alone make it worth the trip. Speaking of that, if you do plan on going, here are five people you should expect to see when you get there.
The Nation’s Preeminent Crystal Meth Supplier
Question: How do you tell the difference between a motorcycle gang member and an unemployed redneck with a knife? Answer: One of them owns a Harley Davidson. Harley Davidsons, in case you didn’t know, are not cheap. Talk about a quandary! So it’s no wonder that so many motorcycle gangs in the United States operate crystal methamphetamine rings to make cash.
Once August rolls around, those crystal meth dealers head to Sturgis and set up their ugly operation amidst the relative beauty of the Black Hills. Among those throngs of drug dealers, it’s a given that one of them will be way better at it than the rest of them. In fact, he’s the best. He’s also very likely jacked up on his own supply and willing to stab you for little to no reason, so be on the lookout for him and head the other way if you happen to cross paths. How will you know when you see him? Well, he probably looks like the guy in that picture at the beginning of this entry. But then again, so do about 350,000 other people there. Stay safe!
The Idiot on a Crotch Rocket
It’s by no means an official sponsorship or anything, and in fact the guy who founded the Sturgis Rally owned an Indian Motorcycle franchise, but for most intents and purposes, Sturgis is a Harley Davidson affair. The signature roar of that Harley engine is absolutely deafening in the small town streets of Sturgis.
But in spite of the Harley’s dominance, there are still tons of clueless posers who show up on a lime green Kawasaki Ninja or some shit. Don’t get us wrong, a Kawasaki is a great bike…for showboating around in a DMX video. But at Sturgis? That’s some knife at a gun fight stuff right there.
The Body Painted Barfly
For sure, we’re all for beautiful women who decide to hit the streets with a high quality body paint job instead of a shirt. That’s great stuff. But something about the outdoor festivities and sweltering heat of Sturgis make the body paint option seem like a great idea even to those ladies who really shouldn’t try it. Specifically, it seems to appeal way too much to those haggard, snaggle-toothed barflies who turn out in droves whenever biker types congregate.
We get it, 25 years ago when Aqua Net was destroying the ozone layer and Bret Michaels was popular in a non-ironic way, you were smoking hot. And truth be told, your figure has held together relatively well. That doesn’t change the fact that decades of sunbathing and cigarette smoke have turned your skin into a leathery horror show. While it’s certainly a plus for you that this tough exterior makes you the least likely to be eaten should a Donner Party situation break out, that doesn’t mean we want to look at it. Especially not all of it. Put on some clothes, Granny. And would it kill you to get those teeth handled, also?
The Hired Guns
On the bright side, for every spent piece of used biker trash cavorting around in a string bikini to the horror of innocent bystanders, somewhere close there is also a complete stunner. Who knew motorcycle rallies attracted such hot women?!?! Well, they don’t. But they do attract tons of women who are beautiful enough to be paid just to stand around and be beautiful. They might be cage dancers, they might be stationed at the thousands of vendor booths in an effort to entice you to buy swag, or they might even just be there to make the crowd at a particular bar look more attractive. Whatever the case, they’re in town for one thing and that is to make some serious cash. Some of these ladies earn as much as $3,000 per day. We certainly can’t knock that hustle.
The Washed Up Rocker
Sturgis is primarily a motorcycle event, but even the most die-hard bike enthusiast would agree, just standing around watching people tool around on motorcycles for a solid week would get awfully boring. To break up the monotony, each night is jam packed with concerts at the various clubs and bars in the Sturgis area. Some of them are tiny dives, other places like the Buffalo Chip, for example, can damn near pack an arena audience.
There are a lot of stage slots to fill, and almost exclusively, those spots are filled by the bands that rocked your parents’ world like a goddamn hurricane. Here’s just a brief sampling of some of the bands who will be on hand this year:
Man, that’s a whole lot of Behind the Music fodder. Here’s hoping nobody falls off the stage and breaks their clavicle this year!
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