5. DOOM’s Hell
WHAT IT’S LIKE: Situated in another dimension and the recent recipient of a shiny new moon, this hellscape is plentiful with icons of sin, unholy cathedrals, houses of pain, and a giant spider masterminding an invasion of Earth.
What certain maps in Oklahoma look like.
WHY IT’S AWESOME: We’ll be the first to say that the Hell from the Doom series is probably best for visitors rather than permanent residents, but this is precisely what makes the place so goddamn awesome. It is a Hell that you can not only visit, but destroy without the slightest hint of guilt! Several centuries after the Doom games take place, people will probably be traveling there with shotguns and rocket launchers for spring weekends and bachelor parties.
The Hangover, Part DCLXVI.
4. Hieronymus Bosch’s Hell
WHAT IT’S LIKE: Hell as it is depicted on the interior panel of The Garden of Earthly Delights by Early Netherlandish master Hieronymus Bosch.
Viggo Mortensen in 25 years.
Considered a favorite by artists of the surrealism movement, Bosch’s depiction of Hell is, well, probably easier to show than it is to explain.
WHY IT’S AWESOME: Just look at it…
The place is a veritable Where’s Waldo of the craziest shit we’ve ever seen.
3. Milton’s Hell
WHAT IT’S LIKE: “Tartarus,” the hell from Paradise Lost. Although it’s a dump when Satan and co. move in, the architect Mulciber quickly designs an evil fortress for the fallen angels that puts all mortal buildings to shame: Pandæmonium.
WHY IT’S AWESOME: We’re pretty sure that Milton’s fallen angels didn’t build Pandæmonium to be boring. The place sounds like it has all the makings of a hot spot that puts every single seedy nightclub built by mortals to shame.
With a fortress like that, you know somebody’s rocking to Black Sabbath in there.
WHAT IT’S LIKE: A four-year long obstacle course where you climb mountains, dodge knives and battle jaguars across a river of blood. While clearly not the friendly place in the Aztec afterlife, it certainly makes for a more interesting experience to talk about with your friends than college.
If we had better resolution, you’d see this guy’s t-shirt reads “Mictlan U.”
WHY IT’S AWESOME: Two words – Grim Fandango. If you are as excited to hear those words as we are to finally use them in an article, then you may see where this is going. Mictlan is the “Land of the Dead” in that game, and while the Aztecs may not have been able to appreciate film noir the way we do, we imagine that is only because they didn’t live long enough to see how awesomely their underworld performs as a game.
Your new travel agent.
1. Dante’s Hell
WHAT IT’S LIKE: Before being remade into a poor-man’s God of War, Dante’s Inferno was perhaps the single most influential work of Western Literature since the Iliad and Odyssey. A work of exile by the poet Dante Alighieri, Dante’s Inferno is not just one big “go to Hell” to everyone who ever pissed him off in some way.
All you proof you need that flattery gets you nowhere.
WHY IT’S AWESOME: Not only is it situated in the center of the universe and military prepared to fend-off a human invasion, the beauty of Dante’s Inferno is what a well-oiled machine it is. The entire realm was manufactured by God himself in the form of the giant crater caused by Satan when he crashed into Earth after losing his war for Heaven. As a result, Dante’s Hell is actually one enormous prison the size of Earth designed to contain Satan forever. How’s that for something epic in scope?
Believe it or not, Dante’s Hell is frozen over.
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