If you’re a guy, you should be watching the History Channel. That’s not open for debate. So statistically speaking, something like 104 percent of the people reading this should have seen the History Channel’s Gangland by now. The show features mesmerizing profiles of violent criminal gangs from all over the world.
One of the coolest aspects is paying attention to the steady stream of crazy nicknames both the hoods and their gangs have — from the Black Bullets and South Side Locos to Grumpy and Sick Boy. It’s pretty fascinating television, and in some cases, it’s enough to make a person fantasize about leaving his day job to take up a life of organized crime.
We certainly wouldn’t recommend that career path. You know, at least not until you lock down a really killer nickname for yourself. If a menacing moniker is the one thing keeping you from answering your true calling as a high level heroin distributor, here are some suggestions that might help you along.
Learn From the Best
The Gangland program’s website features several videos that discuss how gangster nicknames come about, including the origins of the completely awesome Droopy and Bloodhound.
If you can’t be bothered to take in 90 seconds of street knowledge at that link, basically what they have to say is that a good nickname is usually derived from a physical characteristic or some other affiliation. Upon hearing this, most of the office promptly claimed the nickname “Horsecock Johnson,” so, unfortunately, that’s taken.
But the possibilities are endless. Take a look in the mirror. All of those things that you’ve seen as negatives for so long, that ridiculous lazy eye of yours, for example, can now be tweaked into a rocking gangster name that will strike even the most hardened of your poker friends with a batch of the terror shits.
Steal From the Best
If figuring things out on your own isn’t really your thing, first of all, you’re going to be an awful gangster, but that’s not the point. The point is, you can still find a solid nickname for yourself at Onewal.net. They have a database of thousands of actual gang names that people more terrifying than yourself have used through the years.
Sure, it’s not an original name, but there’s a pretty good chance the person who used it before is long dead by now. So think of it like a gangster name thrift store. Here are some of our personal favorites:
- Artichoke King
- Clutch Hand
- The Gap
- Joe Adonis
- Killing Machine
- Louis Lump Lump
- Petey Boxcars
- Tommy Sneakers
- Yeast Baron
Use a Gangster Name Generator
Not unlike automobiles or escorts, with gang name generators, you get what you pay for. But in this case, you’re not paying anything, so keep your expectations low.
The previously mentioned GangNames.net has a gang name generator that we’re pretty sure just adds some sort of synonym for the word “group” to the end of whatever you type.
Like we said, it’s not very inspired stuff. Nothing you couldn’t do on your own unless you’re mentally disabled. But while you’re there, you should check out one of our favorite features of GangNames.net, the site ratings. While browsing through their database of names you can vote on the names based on how awesome they sound. The site’s toughest-rated names include the Faceless Assassins and the Men of Mayhem. Names that get the least cred include the Dirt Road Diggers and the Munch Bunch.
Only a Dumbass Would Use Yahoo! Answers
Look, we’re just going to put this out there…if you use Yahoo! Answers for anything at all, you blow at the Internet. Why are you waiting two weeks for some bored cyber sleuth to answer your question when you could just type that shit into Google (or Yahoo!, for that matter) and have an answer in seconds? That shit ain’t gangster. Not that using Google is either, but still.