This week’s “Stupid Advice” award goes to Lisa Jones for her Men’s Health story, “What Her Clothing Says About How She Feels.”

According to Jones, women have a “secret language,” and that secret language can be found in their clothing choices. While I do agree that women have a secret language, it’s not in their style. It’s in their vaginas.

Unfortunately, the contract I signed upon becoming a woman bars me from sharing that secret language – suffice to say, it’s more complicated than Klingon – so we’ll focus on what Jones claims women are saying with what they’re wearing.

If she’s wearing a skirt, she’s telling you to flirt.

This is wrong in many ways. Just because a woman bothers to pull on a skirt, it doesn’t mean she’s down for whatever. Oftentimes, if a woman is wearing a skirt she’s saying something else altogether. Like: “I ran out of pants.” Or: “Look, I finally shaved my legs.” Even: “I want something from you and now I’m going to get it, damn it.”

Jones recommends being a gentleman if a woman is wearing a skirt. We beg to differ. If there’s any sex message to be gotten from a girl in a skirt, it’s, “I am interested in copulating with you, so, look, I’ve made it easy: no pants!” Women would say that directly, but you know how women are. They are obtuse.

If she’s showing off her boobs, she “wants your sperm.”

Jones actually says if a woman wears a v-neck, what she’s saying is: “Give me your sperm.” Sadly, this fashion message doesn’t specify where said sperm is supposed to be delivered. On the boobs? On the thighs? On the cervix? Women are like a map without directions.

Jones cites a study that reveals “women who were less attractive dressed more sexily than attractive women, who don’t need to try so hard.” That would make the exposed cleavage a bit of a mixed bag. The term “butter face” comes to mind. In many cases, a pair of exposed boobs means simply, “look but don’t touch.” Sorry, Charlie.

If she’s wearing high heels, she wants you to stare at her ass.

Well, at least now I know the message I’ve been supposedly sending all these years. Truth be told, most women wear high heels as a power trip. We’re trying to seem “bigger” than we are, more powerful than we are, more in control than we are.

If you spot a lady in high heels, it probably means that she is on a mission. If you’re lucky, that mission is sex. If you’re not, you best step out of her way.

If she wears red, she’s trying to get your attention.

Of all the fashion readings Jones offers, this may be the closest to the truth. The woman who wears red is no shrinking violet, and her color choice may be indicating to men that she is open to being approached.

Before you go diving in, though, check first to make sure that she’s not wearing red for some other reason. It’s Valentine’s Day, and she’s really into “holiday theme dressing.” She’s playing Mrs. Claus to make some extra holiday money at the mall. It’s Halloween, she’s dressed as Carrie, and that red is pig’s blood. In which case, move in at your peril.

If she’s wearing a soft sweater, fondle her.

“I’m fully aware that when I wear my luxe, short-sleeved gray cashmere turtleneck, my boyfriend can’t keep his hands off me,” Jones purrs. If a woman really wanted you to rub all over her, why in God’s name would she put on a sweater? This makes no sense. Sweaters are like soft armor and will leave you with nothing but a mouthful of wool.

Here’s how to tell if a woman wants to be fondled: She’s naked. And in your bed. And saying stuff, like, “Come here, baby.” She is not dressed for a trip to Alaska.

If she’s wearing a shirt that shows off her bra, she wants to bang.

Or maybe her shirt just doesn’t fit right. Use caution when lingerie is exposed. Women are a walking mixed message. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

Susannah Breslin is a freelance journalist and blogger. To read more from Susannah, check out her blog or read her previous Stupid Advice column “Cheat to Save Your Marriage.” And for a guy’s take on the horrible advice coming from women’s magazines these days, check out Dirty Martini’s take on “Cosmo’s First Take Off His Pants.”