So You’ve Just Married Your Stalker…

Chris Chambers Stacey Saunders

Chris Chambers joined the ever expanding universe of NFL players who make wonderful decisions when he recently wed the very same woman he had previously filed eleven separate stalking charges against. No way is that going to end violently!

The marriage took place two days after Chambers’ divorce to his previous wife was finalized, you know, because why wait? They’ve got a lifetime of bitterness and mistrust and hard to explain off the field injuries involving knives to get to.

If nothing else, this is a banner day for stalkers the world over. Imagine sitting at home and just when you’ve almost come to grips with the fact that, maybe, after ten attempts at reconciliation (on your part, not hers) that you should just move on when all of the sudden you hear the inspirational tale of Stacey Bernice Saunders. Lo, there may be hope for you too, mentally unstable weirdos! If Stacey finally landed her prize after just eleven run-ins with law enforcement, why should you give up so easy?

Get back up on that latter! Clean off those binoculars! If she didn’t want to be followed, she wouldn’t leave the house! This is no time to be a quitter.

But it would be unfair to spend all of this valuable internet real estate chatting about the stalkers. What about the people on the other end? Who is there with a kind word and some advice when that moment comes when their self-esteem is sufficiently destroyed to the point that it propels them back into the potentially murderous arms of a crazy person? We are, that’s who.

Here are some words of advice for those who may have recently married the person who was stalking them.

For the Love of God Run!

Is it too late for this? We’re sure it is but we figured we’d at least give it the old college try. Honestly, if you could just heed this advice right here and now we could stop writing and you could stop reading and we could all get back to pursuing normal relationships that aren’t destined to end with the foul stench of boiled house pets.

But hey, if you were capable of following this advice in the first place, we wouldn’t be here now would we? Why aren’t you saying anything? Oh. Are they listening? Blink twice if they’re listening. Blink three times if they have a machete.

Prepare for Armageddon

Let’s face it. You’re probably going to spend the next 4-6 years of your life cowering in fear while a crazy person stands over your bathwater clutching a plugged in toaster or being subjected to hours long interrogations when it takes you four minutes longer than usual to get home from work. It’s going to be intense and downtime is going to be at a minimum and probably limited solely to those weekends when one of you is in jail. So budget for twice a month maybe.

During these increasingly rare quiet moments, try to occupy your mind with something other than thoughts of being slipped a date rape drug and then beaten to death with a shovel somewhere deep in the woods. Instead, spend your time thinking of ways to defend yourself from that shit in the most theatrical way possible.

Have you seen Sleeping With the Enemy? Or maybe that complete rip off of Sleeping With the Enemy that Jennifer Lopez was in a few years later? What we’re getting at is that at some point there will be some kind of grand showdown between you and the maniac you’ve just married. If you thwart their attacks in a manner befitting a blockbuster film, who knows, maybe you’ll get a movie of your own!

If you make it a point to have the following items on hand when shit gets heavy, we’re fairly certain you’ll be able to write your own ticket to Hollywood:

  • At least one (1) attack animal trained to your specifications
  • One (1) rocket launcher
  • Two (2) phone books
  • One (1) stylist, B-movie level quality or higher
  • A representative from Tru TV

The Final Showdown

Showdown

It all comes down to this. You’ve prepared, you’ve planned, you’ve married a stalker like a total fucking idiot. The only thing left to do now is fight and, hopefully, win. Like we said, you want to make the eventual triumph over evil during the inevitable attempt on your life as cinematic as possible.

First, it would be a good idea to know in what manner your beloved intends to finally end your shit. Honestly, we have no way of being 100% accurate here, but if we were betting people, which we are, our money is on a swift stabbing to the kidneys while you sleep. That’s why we suggested having those phone books. Tape them shits to your kidneys each night before you go to sleep. If at all possible, make sure to place them in a way that provides maximum protection. You’ve only got two kidneys, which means you’ve only got two chances to avoid being stabbed to death successfully.

Once the inevitable war for your last breath starts, you should know it by the unwelcome late night jolt that accompanies being stabbed in the strategically placed phone book. And now, it’s go time. We gave you a list of items you’ll need in the previous entry. How should they be used and how will they benefit you? Stupid question.

Be strong, be brave, and for fuck’s sake don’t ever be stupid enough to marry a stalker again.

You’re welcome for the advice, Chris Chambers. We’ll see you on the Lifetime Network someday.

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