Seven Important Lessons Learned from the Movie Showgirls

Today marks a truly historic day in our civilization. It was exactly 15 years ago that Showgirls pole-danced into theaters and reminded everyone that sometimes even “bad movies” can be so damn good. From swimming pool sex to topless cat fights and lap dance etiquette, Showgirls earned every bit of its NC-17 rating, and in the process taught us all some incredibly valuable life lessons that are as true today as they were in 1995.

1 Don’t Hitchhike

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The only thing worse than going to Vegas on Southwest is arriving in the front of a stranger’s pick-up truck. All the money you save on transportation costs you’ll end up spending on therapy while explaining to your shrink how “Mr. Helping-Hand” turned into “Mr. All-Hands” while going 70 down the highway. Hitchhiking may have been a great way to get around in the ’60s, but like other ’60s staples–Jimi Hendrix, Jerry Garcia and big bushes–hitchhiking is dead.

2 Never Swim Alone

Showgirls Pool Scene

The only thing more dangerous than Elizabeth Berkley doing an aquatic-aerobics routine on your penis is swimming alone…just ask the Beach Boys. Besides, when you skinny dip alone, people think you’re “creepy.” People either love or hate pool sex. Personally, I like how wet I make the girl (even if the pool takes most of the credit). This specific Showgirls scene (NSFW) spotlights the joys of swimming with a partner, even if that partner puts your junk on injured reserve for the remainder of the season.

3 Don’t Fill Up Before Dinner

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Snacks like Pop-Tarts, Easy Cheese and stripper poles may indeed be tasty, but if you fill up on these then you miss out on important nutrients that you get from chicken, vegetables and clear heels.

4 Follow Your Dreams

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Growing up, I always wanted to write stupid columns that would appear on the Internet… and look at me now. “Nomi” wanted to be a leather-bound Vegas strip star, and look at her. No matter what obstacles may stand in your way–no money, no connections, Gina Gershon–just stick to it, buy a slut-suit and watch your dreams become reality.

5 Always Wear Clean Underwear

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We’ve heard it all of our lives, and Showgirls proves it. Whether you are the victim of a freak lightning strike or just like to put on the occasional strip show, clean undies are a must. They make great spontaneous bathing suits or low-budget Halloween costumes and may save your ass (literally) in a game of strip poker.

6 Fat People are Jolly

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Santa Claus, John Madden, “Mama” Bazoom (above)…Think about it: the fatter, the jollier. It must take less energy to be jolly than mean, or maybe they are so happy about all of the money they save by not going to a gym. Showgirls teaches us that fat and happy go together like nipples and tassels.

7 Stop, Drop and Roll

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When your drunk buddy lights you on fire after spilling 151 on your wool sweater, your first instinct may be to run after him as fast as you can to dish out a well deserved ass beating. What you should do, however, is stop, drop and roll (and I’m not talking about Ecstasy).

There are hundreds, if not thousands of life lessons that Showgirls has taught us in the past 15 years. So, for every potential hitchhiker, guy who has humped in the deep end or Las Vegas stripper-turned-doctor-turned-Las-Vegas-stripper again, THANK YOU, and Happy Anniversary.

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter.