Seven Great Moments in Music Video Wardrobe Craziness

Getting out of bed in the morning and deciding what to wear is hard, what with all the matching and coordinating and ironing. Who has time to make decisions like that moments after having your reoccurring sex dream involving Jessica Alba and several airborne midgets interrupted by the hellish screech of an alarm clock? I don’t. That’s for damn sure.

That’s why when it comes time to get all gussied up, there is but one place I turn for style ideas – music videos. If you’re as lost as me when it comes to fashion, here are 7 great wardrobe ideas culled from the world of music videos.

7 Jamiroquai’s Big Stupid Hat

A good hat is essential no matter what the season. In the summer, a hat is mandatory in order to keep the sun from torching your scalp. Unless you have a full head of hair of course, in which case, fuck you, I’m bald as shit. In the winter, a hat could very well keep you from dying of hypothermia. Do you want to die? No, you don’t, so invest in a good hat.

And what constitutes a good hat? Well, I’ve always been partial to this big, stupid, floppity nightmare that Jamiroquai rocked in the “Virtual Insanity” video. Why? Because baseball hats are for frat boys and athletes, two things I’m not. Fedoras are for the 1940’s and dudes named John Paul. Berets are super duper gay.

But this hat? You know what’s wrong with this hat? Everything. And that’s why it’s so very perfect. It’s a conversation starter. It gets people interested. It doubles as a handy shoplifting aid considering you could conceal a gallon of booze and at least six iPods in it. And in this economy, can you afford not to steal shit and stuff it in your big stupid hat?

6 Left Eye’s Condom Glasses

If anything is more important to your continued well being than safe sex, it would be crisp vision. Maybe if you got a better look at the water buffalo you dragged home from the bar, you wouldn’t have syphilis right now. Go ahead, just try and question that logic.

Anyway, it’s the epic marriage of safe sex and 20/20 vision that makes Left Eye’s retarded glasses from the “Ain’t 2 Proud 2 Beg” video such a perfect choice. Sure, your sight is briefly obscured due to the fact that you have a goddamn condom over your eye like some kind of sexed up pirate, but what better time to finally start seeing things clearly than in the moments right before you go to put that condom where it belongs? Think of the horrible decisions you could avoid with that last second moment of clarity.

Also, rest in peace, Lisa Lopes. You were a total weirdo, and that was awesome.

5 Bobby Brown’s Sleeves Only Leather Shirt

Bobby Brown Sleeves

Let’s just get it out of the way right now – I’m totally cheating with this pick. Bobby Brown never wore this affront to all that is masculine in a music video. He wore something similar in the video for “Humpin’ Around” if you consider a black shirt with leather trim similar to this. I don’t. This is just the leather trim minus the shirt. That’s as different as two things can be without going to war.

But if you think for one damn second that I’m going to pass up the opportunity to discuss this thing, you’ve got me all wrong. You know what this shirt says about the person who wears it? It says “my confidence is off the charts.” And the ladies love confidence. If you don’t believe that, consider for a moment the fact that back when Bobby Brown was snorting enough coke to make wearing this seem like a reasonable idea, he was also fresh off of scoring a still hot and not yet insane Whitney Houston. What kind of high class ass is your Ed Hardy t-shirt helping you pull? Right.

4 Andre 3000’s Shoulder Pads

Andre 3000 Outkast Shoulder Pads

Really, this article could begin and end right here. That’s how much awesome is going on in Andre 3000’s outfit from the “Rosa Parks” video. Look at those pants. And is that a goddamn pith helmet? I hope it is, if for no other reason than to be able to say I can properly identify a pith helmet even when it’s not being worn on some kind of safari adventure.

But the real star of the show here is those shoulder pads. Could there possibly be a better compliment to Bobby Brown’s all sleeve leather shirt than a pair of shiny black shoulder pads? Rhetorical question, we all know the answer to that is a resounding no. Adding shoulder pads to that ensemble not only provides an unprecedented level of injury protection not normally seen in street clothes, but it also makes the whole thing look a lot more shirt like while still keeping the midriff bare. And who in the hell doesn’t love a bare midriff? Nobody, assuming you have the abs to pull it off. I don’t, but that’s nothing I couldn’t fix with the right shoes to take attention off of my midsection unpleasantness.

3 Fish Tank Platform Heels from BDP’s “Jack of Spades” Video

Fish Tank Platform Heels

Alright, so there may be some trickeration at play here also. Technically, this is a scene from the Wayans Brothers classic (yep, they made one) I’m Gonna Git You Sucka. But guess what? “Jack of Spades” by Boogie Down Productions was on the soundtrack to that movie and this clip was also in the video for that song. So, yeah, TSJ 1 – nitpicking reader 0.

And besides, you do realize this is a pair of platform shoes with goldfish in them, correct? Is this any time for bickering and complaints? You should give thanks every damn time you see something this wonderful.

These shoes are what you get when high fashion collides with the companionship of a loving pet. There are only two things you could do to make these shoes more incredible. First, put them on my goddamn feet, pronto. Also, a little more interesting choice of animal would be a nice touch. Instead of fish tanks, why not a gerbil cage? Maybe a snake? Shit, what about both? Imagine strutting around in shoes with see through glass heels that contained a terrified gerbil and an about to strike snake? If you can’t get behind that idea, you’re dead to me. Enjoy your crocs, pussy.

2 Flea’s Stuffed Animal Pants

Flea's Stuffed Animal Pants

Man, remember when the Red Hot Chili Peppers were awesome? Yeah, me neither. But I do remember Flea’s stuffed animal pants from the “Higher Ground” video, which you can see a screen shot of above. Or if you prefer your images to not look like they were created by a mid-seizure epileptic who lacks opposable thumbs using Crayola water paints, a slightly higher quality image is there on the left. I can’t believe I had to tell you where to find that. Christ you’re lazy.

But I digress. While the Chili Peppers may not be my favorite band of all time, it doesn’t change the fact that never before or since have I lusted after a pair of pants the way I did these. You what happens when you walk in a room wearing pants with fifty goddamn stuffed animals on them? The party starts, that’s what.

And if you’re anything like me, which is to say if you’re the type who contemplates suicide every time a screaming child interrupts what should be a quiet, relaxing dinner with friends, then these pants are the very definition of ideal. Why? Because snatching a stuffed bear off your trousers and chucking it at the kid would not only help you work out some aggression, it would probably shut that crumb snatcher right the hell up either due to the sheer joy that comes with getting a new stuffed animal or the life changing shock that comes with being assaulted with a cuddly toy by a total stranger. Take your pick kid, just let me enjoy my stuffed animal pants and my loaded baked potato in silence.

But if there is one drawback at all to this slice of apparel excellence, it’s that they would be ball sweatingly hot in the summer. So what to wear then?

1 MC Hammer’s Speedo

MC Hammer Speedo

Right off the bat, let me be the first to say I sincerely wish there was a higher quality image of this frightening scene available somewhere. If it’s any consolation, you can see the Speedo and a completely unacceptable amount of pelvic thrusting in the video for “Pumps and a Bump” which is posted below. But be advised, for some reason, the audio has been disabled which makes watching it all the more harrowing.

Holy shit, I guess I know why they call him Hammer. Imagine if aliens land tomorrow and the first thing they see is that video. Oh the questions they’re gonna have. Which are pretty much the same questions I have:

  • Why did every other dude at the party show up fully clothed but this guy is rocking a bikini?
  • Why is he thrusting his missile around every chance he gets?
  • What kind of mind control is he using that makes the chicks immediately start thrusting along with him?
  • What the hell is he saying to that table full of domino players up there?
  • Why is any of this being allowed to happen?

Anyway, if I need to explain to you why this is the perfect summer clothing choice, you’ve clearly never experienced the unhappiness that comes with getting all oiled up and inviting a bevy of skanks over only to find that your shininess is lost on them because you decided to wear a Cosby sweater and jogging pants. Who among us hasn’t been there? And besides, a pair of swimming trunks isn’t nearly as flattering to your wang region.

Don’t over think things, fellas. When fun in the sun is the order of the day, rocking a tiger striped Speedo is the only way.

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