Seven Crackpot Oil Spill Solutions

It looks like things are starting to turn around down in the Gulf of Mexico. BP doesn’t quite seem to have things under control and oil is still spilling, but they have a plug in place and there is hope. Still, the next spill could be right around the corner, and over the last few months many Americans have offered their solutions—but up until now they’ve been ignored. No more.

Let’s look at some of the fanatics who want to convince BP to abandon the advice of their experts and listen to the real “experts.” Experts with names like “RedNeckEDU” and “Kevin Costner.”

The “Redneck, Garden Hose, Broken TV, and Paper” Solution
This one has so much in it to smile about and why you’re smiling will depend entirely on your worldview. Amateur Larry the Cable Guy is either your idea of really funny stuff or you can appreciate this failure ironically. Either way, even if this solution wouldn’t work for any number of reasons, it’s certainly advancing important redneck stereotypes!

The “Duh! Just Use Thinner Paper” Solution
MoldyToasterMedia takes his solution somewhere that might get him beat up by the self-proclaimed redneck from the last video. Turns out they both have the same solution.

The “Your Powers Combined: Gonna Take Polution Down to Zero” Solution
Somehow the prescient folks behind the revolutionary TV show Captain Planet solved this problem years ago and magickmissileman is merely sharing their solution with us. Our hero.

The “Middle School” Solution
This kid has it all figured out. He can’t get a bra strap undone with two hands and a magnifying glass yet, but the oil spill? Solved.

The “What the Eff” Solution
Imagine one of the Star Wars trade federation guys (these guys) talking in broken English dressed in high-end Batman cowl and beach hat that has a spill solution that involves copius amounts of feces. It gives you the feeling that the Gulf of Mexico might not be the biggest problem the future of humanity faces.

The “Redneck Gets Hard on BP, Provides Solution Diagram” Solution
RedNeckEDU’s video sucks. His monotone drawl is boring. His pacing is terrible and he spends the first minute talking about duct tape. Start watching at 1:52. There he starts to turn things around as he draws a diagram of his solution and it looks an awful lot like he’s drawing something else entirely.

The Waterworld Solution
Apparently Costner, who is known for fighting for humanity in the future after ecological disasters have melted the ice caps and the earth is almost entirely water, has his own solution to the crises. Watching this and waiting for the punch line is a bad idea. Apparently he is 100 percent serious and that really is him testifying before the real US Congress.