With pro football training camps beginning this week, the time is now to see if the exhaustive evaluation efforts of NFL franchises will bear fruit. Specifically, does the trusty Wonderlic IQ test administered to draftees during the combine successfully predict whether players would stay out of trouble and on the gridiron? Judging by all the off-season suspensions that continue to plague veterans, we’d say no. Which is precisely why we think it’s time for a more contemporary version of the Wonderlic test, one that’s a much better predictor of whether the Jerry Joneses of the world are going to get their multimillion dollars’ worth.
1. Assume the first two statements are true. Is the final one:
c. not certain
Handguns are illegal in New York City. All athletes need handguns to protect themselves. All athletes should wear something more substantial than sweatpants when carrying a handgun to protect themselves in New York City.
2. PENETENTIARY / PATERNITY • Do these words:
a. have similar meanings
b. have contradictory meanings
c. have catastrophic consequences to your net worth
3. What is the residential speed limit in your new NFL city:
a. 25 mph
b. 35 mph
c. 45 mph
d. Whatever my new Bugatti Veyron can take that corner at
4. The 9th month of the year is
d. The one in which the woman you screwed on New Year’s Eve gives birth to your child
5. Your signing bonus is $5,000,000. Assuming your agent’s cut is 10 percent, how many long-lost relatives can mooch $50,000 from you before your bonus is gone?
d. More than 75 (yes, you will suddenly have more than 75 long-lost relatives after you sign your contract)
6. Fact: Owning a firearm exponentially increases your chances of being a victim of gun violence. Given that fact, how many guns should you own?
b. One, for home protection, that is kept in a well-secured place in the house
c. One more than that motherfucker over there. What’re you lookin’ at, punk?
7. Which of the following women is most likely to harm you physically?
a. A waitress who’s behind on her rent
b. A porn star who craves publicity and a possible book deal
c. A nightclub hostess who believed it when you told her you loved her
d. Your wife after she finds out that you’ve been banging waitresses, porn stars and nightclub hostesses
8. You are asked to attend a dogfight. What’s your answer?
a. No, because dogfighting is illegal, inhumane and wrong
b. No, because I don’t have the proper formalwear for a dogfight
c. What time does it start?
d. Trick question. I’m hosting the dogfight
9. Today, many celebrity-themed websites specialize in publishing photos of athletes drinking while in the company of attractive young women. This will absolutely have an impact on your image. Your response is:
a. I will only drink non-alcoholic beverages in public
b. I will stick to private VIP areas and avoid cameras
c. I really don’t go out much; I’m typically either reading the Bible or watching film
d. WOOHOOO! YEAH! CHEEEEEESE!
10. Your NFL contract will not last forever. You are one injury away from an uncertain future. How much money should you spend on your car?
c. The Ferrari Enzo costs $670,000. That’s not my fault. That’s just what it costs>
d. I’ve got, like, 27 whips. Which one are you talking about?
11. After being banned from the league for several arrests and a public gunplay incident, the NFL commissioner agrees to meet with you to discuss reinstatement. The meeting is at 9 am. When do you arrive?
a. 9 am on the dot
b. 8:45 am, because my agent says I should be a little early
c. I’m there when the custodial staff opens the place at 6 am. This is important, dammit!
d. I’m sorry, Mr. Goodell, I was making it rain at a strip club last night and I just couldn’t get here on time
12. You have recently been acquitted of a sexual misconduct charge. How long before you should put yourself in that same position, in which you are hopelessly impaired and fondling women like they are your own personal property?
b. The statute of limitations is what? Around six months? Let me ask my lawyer and get back to you
c. Whenever the feeling hits me
d. Hey, you! With the ass! Wanna get up on this? Sorry, what was the question?