Let’s get the disclaimers out of the way first. Here at The Smoking Jacket, we certainly do not condone the use of illegal drugs. Far be it from us to ever suggest that tripping balls while watching that shitty Jennifer Lopez movie called The Cell always leads to a rocking good time. We just don’t operate that way.
With that said, all bets are off when it comes to the legal stuff. So when the people at TopK2.com sent us a bunch of perfectly legal synthetic marijuana (legal in the state we’re writing this in, anyway) we did what any responsible comedy site would do. We blazed that shit up.
Here’s what that was like:
Does It Work?
The short answer to the question on everyone’s mind is, yes, it works. For research purposes, we fired up a typical sized joint.
The immediate after effects were similar to what you would get from smoking real weed: dry mouth, dry eyes, disdain for the government, low television viewing standards, etc. One noticeable difference though seemed to be appetite. Everyone knows the real stuff gives you the munchies, but it usually takes a little while to kick in.
With K2, we were ready to attack the nearest unarmed pizza delivery driver the second we put the joint out. It’s kind of like smoking a tape worm. And those munchies never go away. Ever
As for the actual high, it’s not Kush or anything, but it’s a respectable buzz. It doesn’t last as long as the high you would get from real weed, but it’s certainly enough to get the job done.
We suspect it would be especially ideal for those who find themselves having to piss in a cup three times every year lest they be deemed unfit to fill out that proverbial TPS report. In other words, this stuff doesn’t show up in random drug tests. Holla!
Does it Make Music Sound Better?
It’s long been reported that smoking a little charm instantly makes just about any song sound better. If that’s not true, then tell us why the members of Phish haven’t had to return to their day jobs?
Relax, stoners, we’re just saying they blow. So much so that no amount of pretend weed is going to get us in the mood to listen to their incessant noodling. So, we can’t confirm whether or not K2 makes a nine minute Trey Anastasio guitar solo something worth enduring willingly.
But we can confirm that, just like the real stuff, K2 does have a way of making music way more enjoyable. For example, while out driving around one day (relax, we were just passengers) we overheard this gem…
With the sun out and the windows down and all smoked out on pretend weed, this sounded like the greatest shit ever. And now?
Fine, it’s still kind of awesome. But not nearly as awesome as it is when you’re high.
Any Help With Shitty Movies?
Have you ever smoked a bowl and watched Glitter? It’s a Mariah Carey movie, and it is awful. Like, so awful. But under the influence, it’s a laugh riot, if for no other reason than the lost-in-space expression that Mariah sports on her face for 3/4ths of the flick. But would we watch it sober? Of course not.
You know what else would take us more than a few drinks to lay out ten dollars to see? The Expendables. Sorry, as a film built on a foundation of machismo, we know we’re supposed to be all over it. But between that cast, there are like 438 really awful films floating around. We’re supposed to think having them all in the same room is going to make some sort of magic happen?
Well, it kind of did, we think. Our original intent was to see The Expendables twice, once with and once without the benefit of a head full of K2. Unfortunately, that plan got derailed when, during the dry run, we abandoned the idea altogether and went to see Scott Pilgrim vs. The World instead.
We did finally get around to seeing The Expendables with the K2 in tow, and admittedly, it was kind of great. Would it have been as great without the play drugs? We may never know. Scott Pilgrim was fucking incredible though!
Let’s Get Paranoid
As far as drugs go, marijuana is pretty low on the totem pole when it comes to inducing paranoia. It’s not going to have you cowering in your basement expecting the feds to burst through the door at any moment like cocaine will, but it still puts a person on edge when it comes to attracting police.
After all, that shit reeks. If you’re fresh off a blunt and the cops show up, somebody is getting arrested. The smell is too much of a giveaway. But what about K2? Is it as good at inciting paranoia as actual weed is?
Well, the threat of arrest wasn’t really there, so we can’t comment on that other than to say that K2 looks and smells like potpourri. So it’s not really going to attract much negative attention, aside from the kind that comes with being seen throwing down on a pinner of the shit grandma uses to make her house smell good, of course.
But there is certainly a sheen of suspiciousness that covers your thinking when enjoying K2. One minute you’re watching the Discovery Channel like a normal person, the next, you’re making up conspiracy theories about the Discovery Channel. So, put a check mark in the paranoia box for K2, we guess.
Bludgeon Anyone to Death?
We wouldn’t be responsible journalists if we didn’t at least give a shout out to the anti-drug community by exploring some of the “darker” effects of marijuana. In a famous scene from the 1938 propaganda masterpiece Reefer Madness, a man beats a dude to death with a cane while his girlfriend looks on and cackles like a maniac. It was the Devil weed that made them do it!
Would K2 turn us into murderous lunatics who giggle with delight while simultaneously beating the shit out of someone with a walking stick? To find out, we invited a bunch of people over, making sure to include that one guy who nobody likes. (**Editor’s note: you know who you are.)
We didn’t take pictures, but the results of that particular experiment looked a lot like this…
Unsurprisingly, nobody was beaten to death. But we’re pretty sure that shady character we invited just to see if we’d be compelled to end his bullshit pinched some of our make believe weed. Try that at a meth party, sticky fingers.
Anyway, while we’re on the subject, here is a list of other things we didn’t do while under the influence of K2:
- Wrap our car around a tree
- Get in a fist fight
- Bang a fat chick
- Drunk dial an ex-girlfriend
- Become viral video sensations after our kids posted a video of us drunkenly eating a cheeseburger on YouTube
And countless other shenanigans that sometimes occur when a person gets a little too drunk.
If you’re a professional weed smoker, K2 isn’t going to bring you over to the legal side without some other outside influences. But if for some reason you find yourself unable to partake in the real deal, it’s most definitely a passable substitute. We wouldn’t rule out buying some in the future if the situation ever called for it.
Unless some other fledgling K2 dealer wanted to mail us more freebies, of course.